Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [Song] Rises a pheonix

[I Am Stoner]

The wind moans through the trees,
The thunder sounds loud bring him to his knees,
The lightning lashes and blinds his eyes,
The rain falls on his face,
Wet, blooded and discraced.

Through the ashes,
Of a broken man,
Rises a pheonix,
Strong and powerful,
Standing by humanity,
In its darkest hour.

The wind stops and the moans cease,
The thunder dies and the clouds clear,
The sun shines on his face golden and true,
A voice from behind him says,
"Call on me, my friend, for im here for you"
The man realises the figure of a woman,
Standing tall, proud and honest,
Offers out her hand.

Through the ashes,
Of a broken man,
Rises a pheonix,
Strong and powerful,
Standing by humanity,
In its darkest hour.

Now together they rise to the skies,
Not as two hearts but as one,
The battle for the light has ended,
Light won and the world shines,
The man smiles as he gazes into the womans eyes.

Through the ashes,
Of broken hearts,
Rises a pheonix,
Two souls now one,
Strong and powerful,
Standing by humanity,
In its darkest hour.

[Oscar]

Very good, although the first stanza needs a bit of editing in my opinion. I can't digest the word lashes and blooded, I didn't even know it existed till I looked it up just now.

This line, "call on me, for i'm here for you" could do without the first for. "im here for you" sounds much better and more modern IMO. It's small, but small things make big differences in poetry.

And I really liked this stanza:
"Through the ashes,
Of broken hearts,
Rises a pheonix,
Two souls now one,
Strong and powerful,
Standing by humanity,
In its darkest hour."

I like poems that have stanzas that repeat like you did. You have made a very good story, although it's meaning is cloudy, characters and motives unclear as well. But the mystery only adds to your poem's credit. In short I liked it.