Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [S] It does feel that way.

[Sephex]

an endless loop."

Eric was just sitting there in his room by himself. He could see dust particles in the bright sunlight shining through the window splashing against the floor. His room was small, messy, and cluttered. None of that mattered now, anyway. Did what he experienced really happen? After four long years, was it really over? There was no ****ing way Laura broke up with him and walked out of his parent's house.

"Okay. Wait a minute. Don't freak out. Think back. Focus. What the hell happened? All seemed to be going well. Then she said she needed to talk to you about something over the phone. Even then it sounded like it would be a routine conversation. It took her about a half an hour longer to come here. For most people that wouldn't be a big deal, but Laura?...--nah, Laura was always punctual. Then she simply told me that it wasn't working anymore, and she said we're through...in an almost routine sort of way. As she left Laura casually claimed that she would come back here later and drop off my stuff and pick up hers."

Aside from Laura being a half hour late, there wasn't any warning signs of this break up. Eric sat there dumbfounded. Did he miss something? What did he do wrong? Why didn't she go into detail why it ended? Why didn't he try to stop her? This had to be some sort of dream. He loved that woman to death. He didn't even think it was possible for him to love at all before he met Laura.

Eric's thoughts were interrupted by his mom calling for him.

"Jesus ****ing Christ, I just took out the god damn trash two hours ago."

As Eric briskly rushed into the kitchen he ripped the trash out of the bin, tied the bag in a half-assed manner, whipped open the back door, and chcuked the garbage into the outdoor bin.

"Great, I shouldn't have made a minor scene like that, now she wants to know what's wrong. I 'had an attitute' because I was annoyed that I had to take out the trash yet again. Though I'm pretty sure that when I tell her about Laura, she'll think that's the reason why. At least I won't get another ****ing lecture about how I'm too old to be forgetting household chores."

So predictable. Eric's mom always has been. She made such a big deal about it, as if Laura was the one who broke up with her. She went through the "I'm sorrys" to the "it will be okays" to the king of all break up advice cliche's...."You'll meet someone better."

"God, don't feed me that bull****. 'I'll meet someone better?' Is that supposed to make me feel okay? I suppose if dad walked in here and threw some divorce papers at you--would, 'You'll meet someone better', erase everything that happened between you and dad? You'll be abe to have a girls night out with all of your lame ass middle aged [iSex and the City troupe and have the night of your life? Don't ****ing lie to me. Just say that what happened sucked and be done with it. Clouding the truth and sugar coating things like these is as good as pretending that it never happened at all--you'd only be wasting time and kidding yourself, setting yourself up for the inevitable panic attack...but you would know a lot about that wouldn't you, mom? Now that I think about it that way, the kind of advice she is giving me is making a lot of sense."

Needless to say Eric pretended to listen to his mother and went back to his room to reflect on his situation some more. But as soon as he began, he felt so pathetic.

"What the **** am I doing sulking here like a 14 year old? Just pick up your cell and call her. Though...it hasn't been too long since she left. I don't want to come across as too obsessive. Ha, this reminds me of how I was when I first met her. I was always so preoccupied when it came to little things like calling her. I haven't felt this way in quite some time. Alright. Shut up. You're stalling. Don't be cliche' and think about 'the good old days'. If she bitches at you, she bitches at you. If you feel dumb about calling her, just make up some excuse.

Eric picked up his cell phone and speed dialed Laura's number.

[Martyr]

What, exactly, is this?

If it's a story, then it's really REALLY bizarre how you switch from 3rd person to first person (temporarilly to second person in the 2nd paragraph).
I guess the guy is talking to himself, but, eh. I don't think it works to help the story.

My biggest complaint is that there isn't enough emotion here. Sure, he's swearing up a storm, but only enough to make the piece seem awkward. The words and imagery are too weak for this to seem like anything more than an emo whining stream of consciousness. That, and the grammar needs a little work in order for things to be clarified (Specifically, it's a little unclear in line/paragraph 9).

But yeah. Here's the succinct critique:

The piece isn't strong enough, probably because it's drawn out. The weakness of this overly long whine-fest makes the cussing seem a little gratituous, aand it begins to bore me. I wanted to know what happened next LONG before I finished, and the finish doesn't tell me what happens next. It leaves me hanging and unsatisfied.

I assume there's a sequel? Shorten this and incorporate the sequel into it.
That's my advice.

[Sephex]

I am writing it in sections. The reason why I switch it around is because I find it annoying writing speaking parts. I, and almost everyone else I have shown this too, think the fact that I only show Eric's thoughts is a good way to go. Also, I know that my grammar/spelling/etc. isn't perfect. This is more of a rough draft. I am posting this at forums I go to so people can help me round this story out. When I finalize this, I am going to have a bunch of people I know in real life proofread it/help me with the story. My girlfriend and I talked about this last night, and she already has forced me to come up with great ideas on what is already written and what's to come. There is a good reason Eric is so out of control by the way.

************

EDIT: "Okay, it's ringing...she didn't shut off her cell. Come on. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up...Yes! Here she is!"

Eric tired to sound casual and friendly as possible on the phone with Laura. She wasn't having any of it. Laura sounded annoyed that he called, almost as if something important was being interrupted. That and Laura's attitude wasn't exactly making him feel comfortable. Eric found himself stammering, trying to think of s****y excuses concerning his reason for calling, and the usual cold room of his became unbearably hot. No matter how hard he tried, Eric couldn't think of any excuse. There was no chance of an opening for idle chatter, either. Maybe this was a bad idea after all? Patience wasn't Eric's best qualities. However, it was too late to back down now, wasn't it?

"**** it. I deserve to know why she left--especially so suddenly."

Eric took a defensive position right away. He apologized for bothering her, and told her that he was still in shock because of the fact that they broke up. Just when he was about to ask the most pressing question in his mind--why she ended it--Laura viciously screamed at Eric and said something about not having to answer for everything she does anymore. At least, that's what he thought he could make out due to her end of the signal being massively distorted by all her commotion.

"Wait a minute! Calm down! GOD DAMN IT!! She hung up! What the **** is her problem?! Okay...call again... What a bitch, she turned her cell off. I hate that ****ing voice mail. Well, that didn't solve a damn thing. I just wanted answers. Answers she should have ****ing given me when she broke it off. Why do women always do this?! This is just like when Mary broke up with me! They all claim the value of communication...except when they don't feel like talking. ****ing c***s--ALL OF THEM!"

The mad rant in his mind went on and on. Before he knew it the steel chair he was sitting on was thrown across his room, which promptly knocked over his lava lamp. It didn't phase him that it shattered open and spilled all over some of his best art he's been working on for months. Logic and reason was thrown out the window (as was his strobe light, black light, and assorted crap you can find for "bargain" prices at Halloween stores) and he began punching the cheap, ancient wood paneling that has surrounded him his whole life. His wrist began to feel like it was getting closer and closer to snapping. He didn't care. This was making him feel loads better. The only thing that snapped Eric out of his blind rage was the fact that his bloody knuckles began painting the now splintered wall.

"Oh ****, here come the worry warts."

Eric's mom and dad burst through his door, almost knocking it off its hinges. It was clear that his mom already talked to his father about the break up because he immediately started to yell something about how no woman should cause him to act so juvenile. He wasn't paying attention. He was trying his best not to cry, he really didn't want to hear how a man shouldn't cry. Again.

"Too late. Shut up. I don't care if people will view me as unstable. I know that I overreacted. I'm sure a woman never ever broke up with you. Yeah? **** you. I don't care if this should make me stronger. It hasn't even been half a day since it happened! Not even six hours! Shut up. I know that I am going to have to pay for the damage and you aren't going to replace my belongings. Always just a figure in your budget, eh dad? It's not my fault you didn't even attempt to go to college because you thought eleven dollars an hour was good money when you were eighteen. It's not my fault that you are stuck at the same place for twenty plus years. Shut up. Just shut up and let me vent. That's probably why I exploded like this. No one ever let's me smurfing vent."

After what seemed like hours, they finally left. In fact, his parents almost broke the two hour mark trying to make him feel better about Laura, but being sure to take the opportunity to remind him that he is doing nothing with his life while he was already in a s****y mood. Fantastic.

Eric took a look at the damage he had done to his room, and his right hand suddenly started to hurt a lot, especially his knuckles. He felt like he would have uncovered bone if seeing his own blood on the wall didn't stop him. Some luck was on his side because one object that didn't get caught in Eric's destructive path was his tweezers. He tried to take his mind off the pain as he dug splinters from his knuckles.

"Good thing the window was open already. That would have been broken for sure. Why did I even have it open in the middle of October? Oh yeah, Laura and I were going to put some Halloween lights up, but I got tired of waiting for her to come over and started the process before she dropped the bomb on me. Whoops, I guess the lights got knocked over the edge when I threw something. Now that I think about it, I don't remember much of what I did. In fact, the only real reminder of what happened a couple of hours ago is this annoying pain in my knuckles and wrist. I guess I am lucky I didn't do anything serious."

Finally, Eric was done ripping splinters out of his knuckles. He quickly went to the bathroom and poured hydrogen peroxide all over his knuckles and did his best to block out the stinging pain. He was briefly entertained by how much the liquid made his wounds fizz and bubble. There was some old bandages left in the bathroom closet, so he wrapped up his hand and hoped he actually did manage to get rid of all the splinters. Now that his knuckles were cleaned up, it was time to move on to his room.

"I better start to take care of this before mom and dad thinks I am goofing off. I...just don't want to think about Laura right now, anyway. If I lie around and sulk some more I'll just end up trying to call her and leaving a nasty message since her cell is still off, probably. If I attempt to watch a movie, play a game, listen to music, or even turn on the TV I am just going to be reminded of her somehow. God, why I am so lame and associate entertainment with girlfrie--....ex girlfriends? After four years, I don't think there is anything around that I haven't already destroyed which would end up making me think about her. Well, it hasn't even been a d--stop it. That's no excuse. Clean up your ****and just try to go to bed."

[Martyr]

Do it your way, I guess. I'm sure that people you know in real life have a better concept of good stories than me.
But I'm still of the strong opinion that, if you're only going to explore Eric's thoughts, this piece really should be written in first person and not 3rd/2nd/1st.
And I still think that it's tedius and drawn out, that it has a show/tell issue, and that it's a little boring so far.
I wouldn't have finished reading your second part, in fact, except that I want you to know what the outsider may think, before your friends continue to tell you how great it is and how they think their little ideas will enhance the story.

[Sephex]

Originally Posted by Thieforever ^

Do it your way, I guess. I'm sure that people you know in real life have a better concept of good stories than me.
But I'm still of the strong opinion that, if you're only going to explore Eric's thoughts, this piece really should be written in first person and not 3rd/2nd/1st.
And I still think that it's tedius and drawn out, that it has a show/tell issue, and that it's a little boring so far.
I wouldn't have finished reading your second part, in fact, except that I want you to know what the outsider may think, before your friends continue to tell you how great it is and how they think their little ideas will enhance the story.

I think you are mistaken. Most of the people who read it are people at another forum, and obviously, they aren't people I know in real life. None of my real life friends has seen it yet. The only person who I do know who has seen it is my girlfriend--and she was very ciritical of it. So it's not people are telling me they like it just because.

[Martyr]

Have you taken it to Megatokyo yet?

[Sephex]

If that is some sort of site you post it at--no. If I ever do feel like publishing it to something like that, I won't untill it is revised and finished.

[Martyr]

Megatokyo is an online comic. It's emo anime crap that I got hooked on 3 years ago... Whatever.

In the forums of MT is probably the most intense writing critique I've seen. If you post a draft of something there, they'll take it apart, and they'll take it apart with quality.

Of course, a lot of them are simply vicious and don't want to help so much as piss you off, but when a helpful critiquer comes by, then you can get some really good advice. I'm suggesting that you post this piece over there and see what they may have to say about it.

Because even if you put up something excellent, they can tear it up and make it better.
But here's a note, if you do try that, make sure your grammar is perfect. The idiots over there have a knack for losing control and doing NOTHING but rag on your grammar, even if your grammar is correct, and it may negate their ability to offer better advice.