Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [s]-Property of Jermey Jones

[Goldenboko]

Here's a rough draft of a CivLit asignment I liked the story so decided to get some second opinions. Its only a rough draft so some dates are missing and there's probably tons of mistakes, I also plan to add more emotion and I'd love if someone pointed them out...

Property of Jeremy Jones
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Part 1 Jeremy
Rich, that’s what dad called us. He said that we struck rich in stocks. Mom was excited, and so was I, but little Joey didn’t know what was going on. He kept asking “what’s a stock?” “Can I eat it?” “Can I play with it?”. I told him it’s a lot like money, he knows what money is. I gotta go to school now…
Entry One
Jeremy, November 5th, 1928

Stocks haven’t been as great as when we first started. But dad doesn’t care, he keeps investing more saying, “if we keep investing then stocks will go up eventually, we’ll just get great deals.” Mom believes him, and Joey doesn’t really understand it, but I know if prices continue to go down like this we’re going to be in lots of trouble. I keep telling dad to keep some money but he just keeps saying “Your just 14 you don’t know anything”. I hope he’s right.

Entry Two
Jeremy, January 2nd, 1929

Garret Bann, one of dad’s friends came to our door today. He told us that the stock market crashed. When dad found out he killed himself…. he jumped out the window at work. Most of our money is in stocks and we have lots of debts to pay. I’m gonna have to quit school and get a job. Mom also needs to get one. Things are just like my worst fears.
Entry Three
Jeremy, October 29th, 1929

There’s nowhere for me to get a job, a lot of businesses went out of business. Most of the ones that are still in business don’t want to hire me. I do different jobs everyday to earn some change everyday but I think soon even those jobs will dry up. We’re lucky ones though; we have enough to eat for at least some kind of meal a day. The Bann’s have suffered much worse then we have, they lost there house and most of their possessions.
Entry Four
Jeremy, November 6th, 1929

I came home early today and I saw Mom weeping on the floor of our house. I could watch, she must’ve been laid off. I couldn’t watch her so I went back out to try and find work for the day. There was nothing, no one had any kind of job for me. Mom was losing her mind and her job. I can’t do anything. What are we going to do?
Entry Five
Jeremy, November 19th, 1929

I haven’t been able to work for a week now. Joey’s complained about not going to school anymore, and well everything else there is to complain about. Mom just told him, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.” He said, “But Ma! Life isn’t even letting us have lemons.” And now that I’ve thought about I agree with him. How can the poor make money without jobs?
Entry Six
Jeremy, November 26th, 1929

Mr. Taylor came by today for the rent. Mom had us act like she wasn’t there. He said he would come back tomorrow. Once he left mom started packing things up. When I asked what she was doing she said, “We have to get out of here Jeremy. We can’t get jobs here. And once then take away our house we’ll really have no reason to be here. Ford is providing jobs in Detroit, we’re going to spend the last of our money on tickets to Detroit.” Joey didn’t want to leave, he sulked all day. I don’t want to go either but I know it’s for the best.
Entry Seven
Jeremy, December 4th, 1929

We arrived at Detroit today. It’s really cold here and we have no place to stay right now. Mom said we could make one of those Hoovervilles while we wait for a job at Ford’s. She told me to go wait at the Ford parking lot for a job. She told me I’d have to do this everyday until I got a job. I don’t want to wait for a job in the cold. I guess I have no choice though.
Entry Eight
Jeremy, December 10th, 1929

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to write, waiting in a job all day and night. Mom and Joey made a little Hooverville that we live in now. Mom’s usually asleep by the time I’m home. When she’s awake, its usually because she doesn’t feel well. Mom’s been sick for a couple weeks now. Me and Joey don’t know what’s wrong with her. I tell Joey she’s just got a cold, but I think she’s given up. I think with the death of dad and the loss of everything else she just gave up the will to live. She’s probably just going on for me and Joey…
Entry Nine
Jeremy, January 11th, 1930
Mom was coughing all night again. Things have kept getting worse even though we moved to Detroit. Now I’m certain that she’s not going to make it much longer. I hope she could last a little bit longer, then I can look after little Joey with money I earn working at the Rouge. They have to hire me soon, they just have to!
I’m gonna try to get back to sleep…
Entry Ten
Jeremy, January 18th, 1930
Today Joey came to the parking lot with me to wait for a job while mom went to her “job”, she’s probably just looking for one like me, but didn’t want to tell Joey. Noone’s going to hire her in her condition; I’m afraid she won’t even make it back to the house alive the way she is. I’m running out of paper so I’m going to have to stop writing for a while.
Entry Eleven
Jeremy, January 29th, 1930


I got hired!!! Finally they decided I could work! Joey was so excited by the good news, I haven’t told mom yet, she was sleeping when I got back, I can’t wait for my first day of work!
Entry Twelve
Jeremy, February, 8th, 1930

I went to tell mom about my job this morning. She wasn’t sleeping. She died yesterday, me and Joey couldn’t tell the difference.
Entry Thirteen
Jeremy, February, 9th, 1930

I had my first month of work. It’s so mindless; you just sit there doing the same thing, over and over. I feel like a machine. Joey complains about being alone too much, but there’s nothing I can do. If I don’t work we starve. We both miss ma a lot. Joey still hasn’t gotten over it much, sometimes I come back and I can see that he has been crying. He doesn’t admit it, so I play along as if I can’t tell.
Entry Fourteen
Jeremy, March 10th, 1930

Work has been exhausting it seems like everyday they make the machines faster! I can’t take it. We aren’t allowed to talk to each other. We aren’t just like machines we are machines. One of these days I’m just going to pass out at my station, and I’ll be fired. They work us too hard in a time that barely even needs these stupid cars.
Entry Fifteen
They… they shut down the factory. Everyone was laid off, everyone. I don’t know how to break to Joey how we can’t eat as well anymore. Why did they do that to us? Work us to the bone and then just tell us to go home! Is that the true American way squeeze everything you can from someone, and then just throw them away? I hate them… I hate them all!
Jeremy
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Part Two- Joey
Brother didn’t come home… he said that he was going to march to The Rouge with everyone else. I hope he’s ok.
Joey
People came today, not Jeremy, other people. Bigger guys they kept telling me to come with them. Jeremy told me about people like this, he told me they were sickos and not to go near them. They told me that I couldn’t be alone and had to go to an orphanage. I yelled at them “My brother’s coming home! Jeremy’s coming home!”
They… they told me he was killed during the march. He was shot. I… I cried and went with them.
I’m going to keep this, to remember Jeremy.
Joey

[Leen-Leen]

I think it's pretty good as a rough draft. Yeah, a little more emotion is needed, though.