Spoof Personal Statement

Heath · 08-27-2006, 01:03 PM

I have to write one of these soon and thought I'd try it today, but I found myself entirely unable to do it, so I thought I'd write a deliberately bad one and see how it went.

Enjoy!

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I feel that for personal things like this that it is often a good idea to start with a quote that holds particular meaning to you, and so I will do that. "Thomas would be very good at your university and it would be a real shame for you not to make him an offer." - Thomas Samuel Corker. Born 1989.

Now that that formality is out of the way, I bid to you all 'hello.' As a prospective English literature student I think it is important for me to mention that as of the time of writing I have put down my copy of Pride and Prejudice, very grudgingly I hasten to add, in order to write this. I quite literally had to tear myself away. That's how much I didn't want to write this personal statement. I like books. In fact, I love 'em. I couldn't live without books. I spend my days being moaned at for having no room to put all my books. Quite frankly, to me, books are an addiction. It's slightly less harmful than being an alcoholic but it's a bloody expensive habit. I often find myself begging my friends for a couple of quid so I can get another fix of Douglas Adams. I'm sure there are hundreds of applicants trying to fight for this place, which I am laying myself on the line for, who have probably read a thousand more books than I have, but I don't believe a passion for books is merely enough. One must have a perserverence; a strong willpower to stick with something, no matter how horrible or how dire things look. As a supporter of Everton FC during the 1990s, I feel that I fit this criteria more than any other applicant could.

Reading the template sheet I have here, it says I should probably mention what I enjoyed most about my A-Level studies and that, quite simply, is the fact that I haven't had to do any. In fact, I am apparently so awesome I am applying to your university without any AS-Levels or A2 grades or whatever. I'm not even doing Scottish Highers. I'm most certainly not doing some qualification that no one has ever heard of. I think the fact that I'm so determined to get into a university, including yours (yes, yours!), speaks volumes. And for the benefit of Liverpool University, I don't like Manchester. That should score me some points, right? In fact, as I understand it you can't see any of my other choices. So, can we assume for a second that I have not applied to any other course but yours? I mean, for all you know it's true. I think this, if nothing is, shows how determined I am to get into the University of Oxford/St. Andrews/Lancaster/Liverpool (delete as applicable).

In my spare time I like to do a lot of things. As far as sports go, I consider myself highly competent at the sport of sleeping, which I commit myself to partake in for at least a couple of hours every day. Indeed, I consider myself a one man team in this respect. Though company is more than welcome. I also worked for a time in a charity shop, and I think that without a shadow of a doubt that the most important thing I took with me from this experience was the development of my social conscience and the establishment and improvement of people skills. Actually, thinking about it, I got Close Encounters of the Third Kind on DVD for £2, so I'd probably say that was the best thing. It is, however, important to note that I wouldn't have attained such a wonderful prize if it weren't for the fact that I turned up to work there one Tuesday morning. I also got to throw a lot of junk into a skip, which I would consider my secondary sport. Writing is another thing I do in my spare time. I write a lot. I am writing this right now. The fact that I'm writing at the same time as me doing my personal statement is another thing that I think speaks volumes about me as a person. As part of my course I also was required to take part in extracurricular activities. One such activity was tutoring someone in GCSE German. I've no idea what their grade was, or if they even sat the exams, but I feel it's safe to say they would've got an A* if I was marking their paper. I've also done conservation work many times, the first of which involved cutting down bits of trees. This demonstrates an abiltiy to think outside the box. Or just with a saw in my hand.

I am also a lover of History and Film and I often find the two go hand-in-hand. Films can teach us a lot about History. I was watching The Producers the other day and while also indicative of culture in the United States during the 1960s, I also fond it very educational. I mean, I found myself speaking in unison with Roger De Briss at one point. After all, did you know that the Third Reich meant Germany?

As a final point, I'd like to mention that my Dad is Scouse and looks vaguely like Phil Mitchell and will be more than willing to pay you a visit.

I feel that if I were to continue, I could be accused of being full of myself and I think that, if nothing else, my manner in this personal statement demonstrates why, above all else, I deserve a place on your History and/or English Literature course. I bid you good day, and await your offers.