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Dignified Pauper
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Location: Ed's Technicolor Nightmare
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Default Flight of the Bumble Bee - [p]

Landing on the lilac and sucking
up the pollen, the bee finds
only the cotton of a floral
dress resting on the body
some young woman walking
out of church on a hot sunday.
Getting frustrated
swash with a hand and the bee
aggrivated flees the flower
moments later a shriek
and there lay the bumble bee
down on the pavement of the parking lot.



I believe I will be expounding on this... maybe?

Last edited by Dignified Pauper; 08-13-2006 at 12:18 AM.
Old 08-12-2006, 11:51 PM
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Shiny
Mmm child u dun did it
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Loved the visuals. Expand please!
Old 08-13-2006, 05:04 AM
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Dignified Pauper
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Version 2:

darting with grace
the bumble bee - mid-flight
dropped down onto the purple
lilac dispersed throughout a floral
garden of roses, daffodils, and lilac
sucking as hard as it could
pollen simply was absent
only the thick taste of cotton
persisted as it desperately clung

a woman walking out of church
during a sunny summer sunday
saw the bee and with her right
hand swatted it away

frustrated the bee buzzed for a few
moments before the sound of a woman's
shriek could be heard in the crowded
parking lot of the Crossroads First
Church of God where there stood
one garden of a woman
and one dead bumble bee laying
down on the hot black pavement



- I'm not sure which version i prefer. I think the shorter needs to be even shorter, and the longer version actually should be longer. Maybe I'll try something with rhythm instead and match it to the actual song's rhythm... hmmm... decisions.
Old 08-13-2006, 05:17 AM
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Dynast-Kid
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I liked the first,short version the most.
Old 08-13-2006, 05:22 AM
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Dignified Pauper
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Location: Ed's Technicolor Nightmare
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version 3:

lilac of the floral dress
with the thick taste of cotton
frustrated swatting from a woman's grace
then shrieking in the church parking lot
and there on the pavement
lay a bee twitching its last moments away




- I think I'm going to file this one away for a couple of weeks and come back to it.
Old 08-13-2006, 05:28 AM
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I like the rhymes that occur in the middle of the lines in the first one. Also it can be read faster in rhythm, kinda like Al Hirt's Green Hornet.
Old 08-13-2006, 07:22 AM
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Shiny
Mmm child u dun did it
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The third was is too short and vague. The second one has better details, but I don't like the rhythm. The first one is the best out of the three of them it seems.
Old 08-15-2006, 05:00 AM
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Neo_Bahamut11
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nice poem mate the first 1 is really good i like the name as well is it refering 2 the the classical music cuz that is ok 2 i have a poem of my own is it ok if i post it on here?
Old 08-15-2006, 10:39 PM
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