[P]Haiku

nik0tine · 05-20-2006, 06:42 AM

The wind, she said, blows
in gusts shuffle up the leaves like
piano playing keys

Dignified Pauper · 05-20-2006, 06:59 PM

5
8
6

your syllables are off.

Though the imagery is sweet.

If you want the syllable measurements of 5 7 5 then i suggest taking out the like at the end of the second line and making the third line say "played piano keys"

-N- · 05-21-2006, 11:39 AM

Yeah, I really dig the imagery. Who would have thought to use the word 'shuffle'. Anyways, I guess DP has some good suggestions - I didn't even notice the syllables were off until I counted.

nik0tine · 05-21-2006, 12:10 PM

The syllable count is simply an approximation. I'm no expert on Haikus, but I believe, traditionally, they were three line poems that could be said "in one breath". Alot of Haikus that I've read in the past do not actually adhere to the syllable count rule.

Dignified Pauper · 05-21-2006, 06:39 PM

TRADITION! WE MUST KEEP TRADITION!!!

I mean...

who day and night must slave for a living, feed a wife and children and say his daily prayers? And who has the right as master of house to have the final say at home? THE PAPA!!!!!! THE PAPA! TRADITION!

-N- · 05-22-2006, 07:25 AM

Hell yeah Fiddler on the Roof is the best! <3

Dignified Pauper · 05-22-2006, 06:21 PM

I'm glad someone recognized my brilliant allusion.

nik0tine All about looking. Location: Dalmasca!	#1 [P]Haiku The wind, she said, blows in gusts shuffle up the leaves like piano playing keys
05-20-2006, 06:42 AM

Dignified Pauper Score: 0 out of 2 Location: Ed's Technicolor Nightmare	#2 (permalink) 5 8 6 your syllables are off. Though the imagery is sweet. If you want the syllable measurements of 5 7 5 then i suggest taking out the like at the end of the second line and making the third line say "played piano keys"
05-20-2006, 06:59 PM

-N-	#3 (permalink) Yeah, I really dig the imagery. Who would have thought to use the word 'shuffle'. Anyways, I guess DP has some good suggestions - I didn't even notice the syllables were off until I counted.
05-21-2006, 11:39 AM

nik0tine All about looking. Location: Dalmasca!	#4 (permalink) The syllable count is simply an approximation. I'm no expert on Haikus, but I believe, traditionally, they were three line poems that could be said "in one breath". Alot of Haikus that I've read in the past do not actually adhere to the syllable count rule.
05-21-2006, 12:10 PM

Dignified Pauper Score: 0 out of 2 Location: Ed's Technicolor Nightmare	#5 (permalink) TRADITION! WE MUST KEEP TRADITION!!! I mean... who day and night must slave for a living, feed a wife and children and say his daily prayers? And who has the right as master of house to have the final say at home? THE PAPA!!!!!! THE PAPA! TRADITION!
05-21-2006, 06:39 PM

-N-	#6 (permalink) Hell yeah Fiddler on the Roof is the best! <3
05-22-2006, 07:25 AM

Dignified Pauper Score: 0 out of 2 Location: Ed's Technicolor Nightmare	#7 (permalink) I'm glad someone recognized my brilliant allusion.
05-22-2006, 06:21 PM