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#1  My Attempt at a Story I have read a lot of these kind of stories, i have thought of, (or tried to) make a story, and i really hope this is it. Please, give me some feedback, good or bad about my story. Final Fantasy: Dark Legend The City Dark The night seemed to last forever. Cold seemed to drift all around the buildings that once stood so tall. The city torn apart by a war predicted so many years before, and now truth. Families lost, lives ruined, people were left to survive on their own. Including me. My name was Athrin. My family was almost perfect. We lived in a big house, well known around the city, so no doubt about the neighborhood. We were kind, nice, and the signal to the world. That night, I got into a big fight with my parents. I stormed out of the building, only to hear the whine of the dropping bombs. The explosion that rocked the street took away friends, family, memories, as it was the first to be hit by enemy fire. The War begun. It lasted for almost 3 years, recently becoming a small street fight, where gunshots rang through the area every night. The cuty, which once shined with happiness, was now a apocalyptic nightmare. But thats over. Im now Sky, forgetting my past, and slowly destroying my future. I am a street warrior, fighting the side that took my family. Sometime, ill leave this wreck, ride far away to a city which looks like mine once did. Hopefully, my past won't follow me. I fight with a sword, which is different to the others, who use rifles and machine guns to kill their enemies. Only 16, and my record holds over ten thousand men, single-handedly. I killed the men who killed my happiness, and many more for sheer pleasure. I have fallen to far to pull myself out, and have made the hole deeper. Drugs, death, all going 120 on my bike, dubbed "Death's Ride." You would think, or possibly hope, that it was a grown man who is doing all of this, but they're wrong. I have now reached the limit, and i fear for others that it has nowhere to go but up. This was my fear from night to day, until it all changed, until i met her. It happened during a fight, twenty of the bastards under cover, under fire, under my sword. I could easily cut down 5 in one swing of my buster swird, which could mysteriously split into 6 peices. I never asked, i never ared, as long as i could kill my enemies. I also noticed i had done strange things as well, like shooting fire from my bare plam out of nowhere, and it always happens when im alone. I popped a sword from the main, and took out half of the battalion, deflecting bullets and jumping to kill. They had no chance against me, yet they tried. I killed every last one of them, with little help of my troops, but as i yurned to walk away, twice as many came out, and as i found victory hard to grasp, fire shot out all around me. My teammates stood frozen with shock. So did I. But not for the same reason. A cowardly troop had grabbed a hostage from the building. A beautiful girl, for who i felt instant rage towards the troop. I pulled out my gun, and aimed it at the girls head, in a feint. "Ah ah ah," said the troop, "one step and pretty is dead." "You [bleep]...," I said with uncontrollable rage. He ran into the tower, and sprayed a few shots to clear a path. I went back to the group i came with and devised a plan, but they were still in shock. "We need to save her." "Dude...," said Arien, "You were surrounded by fire!" "I know, but thats not important, we need a helicopter to go to his floor, and a few to bust through the front. If we can pull this off, we can get him with his back turned or put him into custody." The last thing i could care about was the man, i was fixed on the girl." "Kay, i got it." As Arien called for a helicopter, I cleared the tower of people, telling them to find safety, and stormed the tower of troops. At the time, i didn't know that this was one of the last remaining Generals of the Enemies, on of the last being followed, and that with him, we could have ended the war permanetly. As the helicopter arrived, a shots from the 11th floor rang out. The coward was shooting at the helicopter from the balcony, but as it shot its turret at the surrounding areas, he hastily retreated back to the apartment. I lost it, running in with sword drawn, in one full peice. I dashed up the stairs, not even trhinking to use an elevator or something. I heard a familiar ring of shots that lead me for his house. 417, i remember it so well. I busted the door down, he turned to the door, loking at me, shooting at me, and hitting me. I fell to the wall, clutching my arm, as i aimed, I heard someone scream "NOOOO", as they realized who he was, but to late. The shot rang, as he fell limp over the gaurd-rail. She ran to me, hugged me, and murmered "Thank you", and ran, just as that happened, the general came in. "What the HELL was that?!!? He was one of their Generals we could of ended this!!?." "Im sorry, duty just... proved to..." "NO, this is NOT a "sorry" thing, your out!! Pack your bags, and get te hell out of here!!" My life was supposed to be a wreck. I had just lost the chance for revenge, have now no job, and no chance in hell to get a new one with my rep. It was supposed to be over. But it never affected me. . I was still to addicted to her. Well, thats all i could think of, for now, i will write back later, cya. |
05-19-2006, 10:06 PM
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| | Kinda a bit meandering. Needs a little tidying up, maybe could do with being revised or redrafted a few times. Grammar needs tightening too - bad grammar can be a very big distraction. Having said that, it's got potential though. With a little work it could turn out to be a really great story. Don't give up! And welcome to the boards YRE. Hope you have a good time here.  |
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05-19-2006, 11:56 PM
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| | Okay.... Final Fantasy: Dark Legend A City Dark: pt. 2 Was it my fault? I didn't want to think that it had been my fault, i saved her didn't I? Yet, the people strewn across the streets dead form the missile that hit this morning doesn't lie. They had found out, to no suprise, that their second in command was killed. By me. I had given the Army a bad name, and now im getting my ass kicked by everyone. My General came to my house, busting down the door to find a gun to my head. I couldn't live with that on my conscience. They hit another apartment building, a high end one. The most populated one. It killed thousands, hitting its most vunerable spot. I watched in horror, running out the door, knowing what it was before it even hit. I was almost there, and it hit, knocking everyone to the ground from its imoact shock. The glass, the supports, the people. It was the one thing that I wished never to see again. Yet, my life hasn't been a very lucky one, since the first one was my home. I wished death to all of them, and I decided that today was the day. I charged to my house, throwing my door open, and getting the gun. I was getting ready, when it hit me. I never felt this kind of feeling before, i just wanted to die. At that moment, my old commander came it. "NO!," he shouted as he tackled me to the floor, holding my arm behind me, "Do NOT do this!" "I wasn't..." "You sure looked like you wanted to." "I have to tell you, I am making this all right. I have caused this, and now im gonna end it. I have been getting hints to where their base may be. They took it all, my life, my family, my past, all of it. Now they're the ones who are gonna pay." He laughed, and i felt the rage rise, "Do you think you can do that?" I looked at him with a stern look, "Do I look like I can't? Do I not have the reputation that is needed for this job?" He looked and thought, and then said, "Your emotions are on high, you may break down. Never-the-less, i do think you can do it, be careful though." I smiled, and walked out the door. I went down to the garage, and then heard my name. "A girl was looking for you, some girl named Gwen or something like that. She was that girl who you saved." "What?!" "Yeah, but she went back to her hometown till they find a new home. Their tower was destroyed just today." "Oh...okay.." "Don't let it get to ya, now get movin'!" I turned away, and flew out of the garage. The thing about our city is that it goes on, but for quick and stealthy movement, there are tunnels out of the city. Going 30 mph, it would take 30 minutes to get outside the city. I made it out in 7 minutes. I was going toward m first lead, when a bullet whizzed by my head. A motor cycle and 2 cars were driving my way. I stopped driving adn got off, ready to fight. I concentrated, and a energy surrounded my sword, i slashed left and right, but nothing happened. Then i slammed my sword into the ground, and a ball of blue fire shot towards the motorcycle. They were much closer now, and some lines started to appear were i swung it. The cars sped ahead, and one took the nergy ball, and exploded. I watched in amazement, and ran toward the cars. The two past right by me, and they flipped over and the motorcycle was split in two, and the car had a massive gash in it. I watched in amazement as the remaining guys ran away, scared. I got back on my bike, and continued toward the base. Ill do the part 3 tomorrow, until then.... rok on. |
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05-25-2006, 01:25 AM
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