[P] Untitled

nik0tine · 02:59 AM

Your eyes, they shine when they see new
sparkles, glamour, and colors too!
On Sunday mornings God is fancy.
He has a brand new watch.
"A time to plant, a time to uproot
A time to kill, a time to..."
It's time to go, but don't forget
the photo, the fake picture,
with fake smiles for a fake God.

Jack · 04-05-2006, 02:50 AM

Okay, I liked it. I usually don't admit my liking to others, but I liked it.

A suggestion:

Sunday mornings God is fancy.

It doesn't read right. I feel it needs a break in the middle, between "mornings" and "God" with either a full-stop or a comma. Or in fact, start the line with something dictating a setting. Something like "On"

nik0tine · 04-05-2006, 02:53 AM

Thanks Jack, I really like that suggestion. I'm going to change it now. I appreciate your input.

nik0tine All about looking. Location: Dalmasca!	#1 [P] Untitled Your eyes, they shine when they see new sparkles, glamour, and colors too! On Sunday mornings God is fancy. He has a brand new watch. "A time to plant, a time to uproot A time to kill, a time to..." It's time to go, but don't forget the photo, the fake picture, with fake smiles for a fake God. Last edited by nik0tine; 04-05-2006 at 02:59 AM.
04-04-2006, 07:35 PM

Jack No More, Little Girl Location: Whereever I feel like it.	#2 (permalink) Okay, I liked it. I usually don't admit my liking to others, but I liked it. A suggestion: Sunday mornings God is fancy. It doesn't read right. I feel it needs a break in the middle, between "mornings" and "God" with either a full-stop or a comma. Or in fact, start the line with something dictating a setting. Something like "On"
04-05-2006, 02:50 AM

nik0tine All about looking. Location: Dalmasca!	#3 (permalink) Thanks Jack, I really like that suggestion. I'm going to change it now. I appreciate your input.
04-05-2006, 02:53 AM