Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Portal Of triburn chapter 1 (story

[Total_darkness]

Please read and tell me what you think and also submit suggestions
Thank you
Michael Neph


Chapter one
The Crystal of Triburn
May 31, 3046 We have arrived at the mountain of the joinden desert to complete the tests of the stability of the Tridun Gun. However I have my doubts of the success of this weapon even though our scientists are very confident of the success of polar fusion technology.
But I am very nervous of testing this weapon with the technology still being in its infancy of concept and design.
Nothing like this weapon has ever been made before so we are unsure of what affect this weapon may have on this planet.
“Are we ready” I asked
“Yes begin tests Mr.Tornan” the chief scientist replied
“Alright initializing Polar Ion Charging Stage.” I said
The Gun made a whirling noise as the Ions entered the charged particle cartridge
“Ion Charging Stage complete” I announced
“Alright Mike now initialize the Ion Fusion chamber”
“Ion fusion chamber activation in 5”
“4”
“3”
“2”
“Ion fusion chamber activated” I replied.
The Tridun Gun started whirling as the Ions Fused to the New Chemical solution called FUT-487.
“Wait something doesn’t feel right Dr.Yugo” I said
“What is it Mike?” he asked.
“I am showing a small discrepancy in the ion level”
“I’m sure its fine” Dr.Yugo replied
“Doctor I must persist that you reconsider this test and I must implore permission to terminate the tests of the Tridun Gun till we are able to find out what this weapon can really do before performing a live field test” I exclaimed.
“Mike we have come to far not to test this weapon now I order you to fire the Tridun Gun NOW!” Dr.Yugo Exclaimed


Without arguing and against my better judgment I replied.
“Alright Doctor initializing Tridun firing sequence”
The machine started glowing a blue haze as the Fused Ions started to fly into the barrel
“Tridun firing sequence comp…”
I barely got the words out of my mouth as a blue beam fired out of the Tridun barrel and headed for the mountains.
Then the mountains disappeared from sight and I just looked dumbfounded at the mere sight of it
“What in the world was that!!” I said shocked
“We really don’t know” The Doctor said
“Well lets not just stand here lets go find out what happened”
“Ok Mike” he said “I’m with you”
As we drove towards where the mountains once stood I wondered (Where did those mountains go?) but what I didn’t know was that I would soon get my answer.
When we started to get close I saw something shimmering in the sunlight on the desert floor.
It glowed a strange color that I think no one has ever seen before even though the moment was tense the glow was calming.
“Doctor Yugo what’s that?” I asked
“I really don’t know” Dr.Yugo replied
“well let’s get a containment crew and conceal this till we can examine it properly and see what it really is.”

[Amnesiac]

It's alright so far, but my suggestion would to be far more descriptive in your writing. It's too vague at the moment. Describe the scenery, the characters, and the event that takes place between the gun and the mountain disappearing.

[StarlightAngel]

I agree. plus, if this is going to be the regular size of chapters, make them longer.