Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [F] Final Fantasy VII + II

[Darth Cid]

The Credits

The following is a fan parody of Final Fantasy IX, some of the script is unaltered and is written by writers at Square Enix which I am not connected to in a business sense. The altered script contains humor, stupidity, cliches, humor involving fads, breaking the 4th wall, breaking the 5th wall and humor involving different media outside those of Final Fantasy.

Final Fantasy is a registered trademark of Square Enix.

Family Guy was created by Seth MacFarlane and is produced by Fuzzy Door Productions and is a registered trademark of 20th Century Fox.

Mario, Pokemon, Legend of Zelda is a registered trademark of Nintendo.

Warcraft is a registed trademark of Blizzard Entertainment.

Castlevania is a registered trademark of Konami.

Hell's Kitchen airs on FOX.

Windows is a shameful registered trademark of Microsoft.

Scooby Doo is owned by Warner Bros. originally produced by Hanna-Barbera.

The script found to work out this parody with was found on Final Fantasy: Worlds Apart - Made By the Fans, For the Fans.

Also note, this fan fiction was written first on FFOWA, trust me there's too many mods there for such a small community, I am a mod there.

All other future media will be given credit as they are used so check the credits for updates. If I leave any out, let me know.

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A storm at sea, waves crashing & harsh winds, and a boat, and some random credits appearing and disappearing. The boat is being tossed around. Two people are on the boat, no doubt seasick by now. A huge wave tosses the ship in the air, before crashing it down. A closeup of the faces shows a little girl and a woman. Instantly, the scene shifts towards a scene with a wealthy looking girl shouting "No!" despite the fact no noise is made because the budget calls for no voice sound. Rubbing the fatigue (who wrote this, Adelbert Steiner?) from her eyes, she looks out the window to see more credits suspended in mid air. A large overview of Alexandria, followed by birds flying into a Theater Ship, flying in the air. Inside the ship, a rat-tailed boy jumps down, walks forward, opens a door, and enters a dark room.

Boy: Anyone ever hear of fire?

He lights a match, then lights a candle.

???: Who's there?

Boy: It's me, Zidane!

Three characters - Blank, Cinna, and Marcus - open another door and run in.

Blank: Why you so late? How can you be late for a meeting aboard an airship you're having a meeting on?

Zidane: I had to go around the airship lighting candles because no one's heard of lighting them.

Cinna: That stinks.

Someone jumps down, with the head of a dragon and a sword. Jumps out and roars.

Zidane: ...Are you off your meds again, boss?

Baku: How did you know it was me?

Zidane: The tag on your mask is showing,

Baku: >_> Let's start the meeting.

All five enter an adjacent room. In there, the five of them surround a table, with a construct of the Castle of Alexandria on the table.

Baku: Here's the plan! Tantalus, the infamous band of daring thieves, that's us, is head-

Marcus: We are thieves?

Zidane: No, we're Ex-SOLDIERs, yes, we're thieves.

Baku: We're going to Alexandria...Our mission: To kidnap the heir to the throne, Princess Garnet.

Marcus: That's the girl in the opening scene right?

Cinna: Good work, on the semi-spoiler man, next you can shout out Aeris dies. Anyway, our ship's about to dock at Alexandria...And when it does, we're gonna put on our costumes and perform 'I Want to Be Your Canary,' the most popular play in Alexandria! Break a leg, Marcus! ‘Cause you're playin' the lead!

Marcus: How can I act with a broken leg?

Cinna: Shut up man, just read off your lines while Zidane and Blank sneak into the castle.

Blank: I'll distract the audience from backstage with some oglops. And that'll be your cue, Zidane!

Zidane: Oh, I grab the princess here? This ain't an April Fools joke, is it? You guys never let me be the one to directly the grab the beautiful princess in a royal kidnapping situation.

Baku: Well, now's your chance because I don't trust Blank to do it after that last time.

Family Guy Style Clip: Cuts to Tantalus' last royal kidnapping, Blank and Baku are outside the castle and Blank is holding his eyes.

Baku: So let me get this straight, the bodyguard threw a Deku Nut at you and she left with the princess.

Blank: I don't care how much that Ganondorf dude is paying us, have you ever had one of those things thrown in your face?

Goes back to present day. Zidane is smiling at the chance.

Baku: This is your one chance, you get to grab the most babe-ilicious beauty in all of Alexandria, too bad no meaningful relationship can come of this between you two.

Zidane stops smiling.

Baku: Because she will be asleep most of the time, I mean it's not like she's gonna willing go with us.

An orange-yellowish sky is above Alexandria. A small black mage, walking and stumbling, looks up to see the massive Theater Ship pass overhead smashing birds in its path, casting a shadow over him. The ship moves into place, near Alexandria castle. Suddenly, we cut to outside the town where a spiky haired guy named Cloud Strife is riding around Mist Continent on a motorcycle, because the title can't have "Final Fantasy VII" in it without Cloud Strife, but now that he's made his appearance, attention goes back to Alexandria and the theater ship and a massive freak out happens across Alexandria as the title "FINAL FANTASY VII + II" appears above them.

Chapter 1.1: Welcome to Alexandria

Action resumes in Alexandria. The black mage stumbles and falls down, dropping his ticket because he's startles at the word "ALEXANDRIA" appearing on the screen. A little girl walks up.

Girl: You awright? Here! You dwopped your ticket. Bye-bye!

He gets up and after a bit of walking, a Rat Kid bumps into the black mage, and both fall down.

Rat Kid: Oww! You dumb weird kid that stands out like a sore thumb!!!

The black mage gets up and walks along to find a tour guide who for some reason we know for a fact is named Herald.

Herald: Honorable nobles of Treno... Castle Alexandria is this way!

Noble: I hope so, or that is a big sword shop.

Herald honks his horn, as a group of nobles walks off the screen.

Black Mage: Was that necessary?

With that, the black mage walks to the next screen and approaches the Ticket Booth.

Ticketmaster: Can I help you, son?

Black Mage: I have a ticket.

He hands him his ticket.

Ticketmaster: What's this? There's something odd about this ticket...Why, it's another fake! I've seen so many today.

Black Mage: What? I came all this way and I don't get in? I haven't felt this ripped off since I played Final Fantasy VIII!

Ticketmaster: Here, I'll give you these. Do try to cheer up now, hmm?

He gives the black mage some Tetra Master cards.

Black Mage: No thanks, I'm not a Pokemon fan.

Ticketmaster: No, no those are Tetra Master cards, talk to Alleyway Jack to learn most about cards. Good luck, lad!

Black Mage: Aww, why can't I meet cool people like the warrior Gilgamesh?

The black mage walks into a nearby alley, where someone is hammering away at a sign. He trips and falls.

Dante the Signmaker: Blast it! I'm gonna blame my mistake on you, you little klutz!

He finishes nailing the sign.

Dante: Whew. That should do it. I'll leave the ladder here and assume no one will take it.

Dante walks away, leaving the ladder he was using behind. The rat kid appears.

Rat Kid: Hey, you! Shrimp! You're the one with the phony ticket, ain'tcha? I saw the guy tell you it was fake!

Black Mage: You have terrible grammar skills.

Rat Kid: I'll let you see the show if you become my slave!

Black Mage: I'm sure the term "slave" is not going to offend anyone.

Rat Kid: Awesome! Now for your first assignment! We're gonna steal this ladder!

Black Mage: Why?

Rat Kid: I'm gonna do something I learned from Legend of Zelda.

The rat kid runs up to the ladder, grabs it over his head, and runs off the screen.

Rat Kid: Over here into the smallest church ever!

The black mage follows him into the steeple.

Rat Kid: Now we're gonna climb up this tower! It's very dangerous. You go first.

The black mage walks up to the ladder going up the steeple. He looks up, only to have a moogle fall down on him.

Black Mage: Oww!

Rat Kid: LOL, you got pwned!

Moogle: Sorry ‘bout that, Kupo!

Rat Kid: That's Kupo. He's a moogle.

Black Mage: What an original name.

Kupo: Kupo!

Rat Kid: And this is slave 1! Try to get along, okay?

Black Mage: Who's Slave 2?

Kupo: (whipsers) He's a little socially retarded. Kupo. (talks normally) I'll enter you in Moogle Diary!

Black Mage: What?

Kupo: If you want to save game onto MEMORY CARD, just ask us moogles, Kupo! And you can regain health if you have a Tent , Kupo! You understand?

Black Mage: No, why are you talking to me like a Playstation player?

Kupo: Sorry, practicing for an audition, kupo!

Rat Kid: Alright, time for some upward mobility! Okay, come on up, slave!

A different-looking moogle walks onto the screen.

????: Kupo! You here?"

Kupo: Kupo! Stiltzkin! Why that getup? You leaving, Kupo?

Stiltzkin: Yeah, our KupoMail server is down again.

Kupo: We need to upgrade that.

Stiltzkin: I say we shouldn't have gotten Vista.

Kupo: Yeah.

Stiltzkin: Well, I'm off. Take care! Oh, and say hi to Mosh in the castle for me.

Stiltzkin walks off screen the same way he walked on.

Rat Kid: Hey, slave! I thought I ordered you up here!!!

The black mage boy climbs up the ladder, coming face-to-face with the ladder-holding Rat Kid.

Rat Kid: Alright, the play's gonna start if we don't hurry!

Next screen, Rat Kid is walking over rooftops. The black mage hesitates.

Rat Kid: Come on! Get over here! Lemme guess... You're afraid of heights, aren't you?

The black mage walks across a piece of wood to another rooftop.

Rat Kid: Come on, already! We're runnin' outta time!

The black mage comes to another piece of wood connecting two rooftops.

Rat Kid: Not again...Don't worry! It won't fall!

Black Mage: Where did all these ladders come from?

Rat Kid: Plot convenience.

The black mage tries to cross the ladder, the ladder falls, he jumps onto the other side just in time.

Rat Kid: Hahahaha, I meant for that to happen.

Black Mage: Did I mention I could set you on fire?

Rat Kid: ...Let's go.

He follows the Rat Kid, and comes to another piece of wood.

Rat Kid: Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I don't even know your name!

Black Mage: You're just now thinking about that, oh well, I'm Vivi.

Rat Kid: Vivi, huh? Kinda funny name...My name's Puck!

Vivi: I got a funny name?

Puck: My parents were royal pains.

They run across the rest of the rooftops, until they finally arrive at the outside of the castle's roof.

Puck: Whew... We finally made it!

He uses the ladder he was carrying to get from the last rooftop to a wooden platform right beside the castle.

Vivi: Nice, the original freakin' game.

Puck: Yeah, the second quest stunk didn't it?

Vivi runs up the ladder and follows him. It's suddenly night time at Alexandria castle, with the theater ship stationed inside, is shown. The band is playing, and the audience is watching, the birds are singing, isn't it beautiful? Vivi and Puck run up, and start to clap. The camera is broken at Queen Brahne showing her face as she fans herself but it somehow repairs itself it turns to Garnet and then a knight. The knight looks at her and smiles. He moves his sword forward and everything starts up the play starts. Fireworks and rambunctious music fill the air. Vivi and Puck look at it all with amazement. The knight looks at Garnet again, and his mouth opens with shock, as he sees Garnet practically falling asleep, eyes struggling to stay open, with the focus on the knight we start to wonder if he doesn't become a main character too. As the fireworks and music continue, the Queen is dancing around out of her seat like an idiot. Baku walks up in a large robe.

Baku: Ladies and gentlemen and whatever is sitting in the queen's throne...oh wait that is the queen. Tonight's performance is a story that takes place a time time ago, in a galaxy far away...Our heroine, Princess Cornelia, is torn from her lover, Marcus. She attempts to flee the castle, only to be captured by her father, King Leo (that's me). When our story begins, Marcus, having heard this, crosses swords with the King...instead of just waiting on Cornelia. Avon was brillant but I don't think he thought this part through. Oh well, Your Royal Majesty, Queen Brahne, Your Highness, Princess Garnet noble ladies and lords, and our rooftop viewers, the rat kid and the point hat wearing kid that used the classic Zelda move to get here, and the millions watching at home, LLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBBBBLE! as Tantalus proudly presents "I Want to Be Your Canary!"

Scene changes to a backstage area, where Cinna, Zidane, and Blank are rehearsing their lines

Blank: Bereft of father! Bereft of mother! Marcus! Thou hast lost even they love!

Cinna: Fortune hath escap'd thee! For what end shalt thou live?

Zidane: For the sake of our friend...Let us bury our steel in the heart of the wretched King Leo!

Cinna & Blank: Aye!

The three of them run forward. On the stage, lightning is flashing, and the three of them join Marcus; standing in front of him is King Leo (Baku) flanked on either side by two soldiers. As they begin we start to wonder why Zidane, Blank, Cinna, and Marcus apparently share the same names as a Lord Avon play.

Blank: We shall back thee, Kinsman!

Cinna: We have thy back, Dog!

Zidane: For ye ol' shizzle!

Marcus: Pray, sheathe thy swords! This villain is mine alone!

Cinna: Nay, Kinsman! For I, too, have lost a brother to this fiend!

King Leo: What ho? Out, vermin! Away! Thou darest bare thy sword before the King!? I, Leo, shalt knock thy all down!

Zidane: Treacherous Leo, my Kinsman's suffering shall not be in vain! For I shall instruct thee in his incomparable pain! Thou doth not know I teach such lessons doth thou?

King Leo and his two soldiers vs. Zidane, Cinna, Marcus and Blank, after some random pyros and fighting Leo reteats.

King Leo: Arrg... Grrr...Thou hast not seen the last of me, Marcus!

Zidane: Come back!

Tries to follow him, but Blank blocks the way.

Zidane: Out of my way, Blank!

Blank: Consider this, Zidane! If Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!

Zidane: ‘Tis foolishness! If all were so easy, why, none would suffer in this world!

Blank: Understandable, but if King Leo were to die, he would not live to appear at the end of this play.

Zidane: Touche, then thou art an traitor hence we must cross blades before the masses.


Blank: En garde!

Zidane: Expect no quarter from me nor dime nor penny!

A short swordfight ensues and after a while Blank runs offstage.

Zidane: Come back here!

Zidane runs offstage after saying that.

The screen fades to black, as sounds of punches are heard, as well as a dark sounding gong. When the screen fades into color, Zidane and Blank are wearing the armor of two knights in the locker room, who are lying down on the floor.

Blank: Hehehe! Finished changing, Zidane?

Zidane: Yeah, but I'm keeping my clothes under this. It kinda smells in this stuff.

Blank: What are you talkin' about!? My helmet totally reeks! My armor's way too big...and my back's real itchy...the boots are wet...my gloves are all slimy...there's cookie crumbs in my pocket...there's too many mods on FFOWA...Aerith dies after I put a lot of work into making her a great healer...

Zidane: Okay, I get the picture...You still have the package, right?

Blank: Don't worry! I won't screw up like some people.

Family Guy Style Clip: The village of Mist in FFIV.

Cecil: Careful with that package, Kain.

Kain drops it and the bombs break out.

Cecil: >_> You idiot.

Back to here and now.

Zidane: Alright! First, I'll go pour some sleep potion into Princess Garnet's teacup!

Blank: And I've got a special something for the lovely queen!

Zidane: No matter how I try to interrupt that, that does not sound right.

Zidane and Blank look up at the words "ALEXANDRIA CASTLE" appear on the screen.

Zidane: Thank you I would have never guessed that.[/sarcasm]

Zidane follows Blank out of the room. In the next scene, they're in the castle, outside of the room they just left.

Blank: According to recon...the royal seats should be right above these stairs!

Zidane: How did we get those coordinates from a airship above the clouds?

A quick crowd-cheer is heard.

Blank: No time to figure that out! The scene where Marcus sneaks into Cornelia's chamber is about to start! Let's get this over with before the finale, okay?

Zidane runs up a set of stairs, as someone else, face hidden, opens a set of doors and runs forward. The two of them stop, avoiding a collision.

Zidane: (whispers) Hmm? She isn't dressed suspiciously.

Hooded Girl: Umm... Would you please let me pass?

Zidane: Hmm...Let's see...

Hooded Girl: Is there something on my face?

Zidane" Oh, no. You see...I just thought maybe you were the one I'd been waiting for all this time.

Hooded Girl: Excuse me? You were waiting for me?

Zidane: Yeah! I've dreamt of meeting you here ever since I was born!

Hooded Girl: Wait, I believe this is one of those "pick up lines" I have heard so much about. Do you believe I am that naive?

Zidane: No, of course not...actually I did.

Hooded Girl: Well I shall take my leave of you now!

She tries to walk by, but Zidane blocks her way.

Zidane: Just a sec! Haven't we met before?

Hooded Girl: I do not believe so, oh wait, this is another of those...

Zidane: You're right... I'd never let someone as pretty as you get away. You're the type I'd want to share ending credits with.

Hooded Girl: That is very lame.

Zidane: Say, you wouldn't-

Blank runs part of the way up the stairs.

Blank: Dude, finish up the pick up lines and find the princess.

Hooded Girl: I must go!

She runs past Zidane, spinning him around, then past Blank, down the stairs.

Blank: Who the heck was that!?

Zidane: You ruined it man, she was fooling no one with that white mage hood.

Blank: Ah man, she's trickier than the Deku Nut chick.

The two of them run down the stairs and off the screen. Meanwhile, at a set of stairs near the entrance of the castle are the two Jesters, Zorn and Thorn, clad in blue and red respectively.

Zorn: We are in trouble!

Thorn: Trouble are we in!

Zorn: Size does not matter.

Thorn: Size matters not.

Zorn: This is terrible!

Thorn: Terrible this is!

Thorn: Our heads, Queen Brahne will have!

Zorn We must hurry!

Thorn: Hurry, we must!

They run up some stairs.

Zorn: We are in trouble!

Thorn: Already said that you did!

Zorn walks the wrong way.

Thorn: The right way, that is not!

Zorn: I know it is not the right way!

Thorn: Really, do you?

Zorn: I really do! I am just depressed I finished Disc I of Final Fantasy VII and I want to slit my wrist because Aeris dies.

Thorn: Slit your wrist you will not. Hurry to Queen Brahne, must we!

Zorn: We must hurry to Queen Brahne!

[They run up the stairs where Garnet, Blank and Zidane ran down NOT FIVE SECONDS AGO! Thorn runs towards the doors which Garnet exited.

Zorn: That is not the right way!

Thorn N-Not the right way, I know!

Zorn: Do you really?

Thorn: Know I really do!!! Castlevania II, I played. Throw myself off the castle I wish to do, very terrible that game is.

Zorn: You will not throw yourself off the castle! We must hurry to see Her Majesty!

Thorn: Hurry to see Her Majesty, we must!

They run onto the throne balcony, and try to run to her, but the knight who's possibly a main character gets in the way.

Thorn: See the queen, we must!

Knight: Her Majesty is not here, please leave a message, BEEP!

Up walks the female paladin who we mysteriously know is named Beatrix.

Beatrix: Is it an emergency?

Thorn: An emergency, it is!

Zorn: A veritable emergency of terrible urgency!

Thorn: Capable of the ER, it is.

Zorn: Generic spammy way to say it's an emergency.

Beatrix: Very well. I'll see what I can do.

Thorn: Very grateful, we'll be!

Zorn: We'll be very grateful!

Knight: Grrr! Curse that Beatrix! Always trying to get a green mushroom before me!

Beatrix: So, what exactly is the problem?

Zorn: Her Royal Highness...

Thorn: Princess Garnet...

Thorn & Zorn:...is in danger!

Zorn: Must...

Thorn: Talk...

Zorn & Thorn: like...this...!

Beatrix: I see. Wait right there.

Beatrix walks down to the Queen, who is watching the play not at all noticing her daughter is gone.

Queen Brahne: No interruptions! Where's my popcorn and potato chips!?

Beatrix: Your Majesty, Those midgets you let stay in the castle are here again.

Queen Brahne: What is it?

Beatrix: They say Her Highness Princess Garnet is in danger! Which I have translated into Princess Garnet has run off with the Royal Pendant.

Queen Brahne: Well, of all the... What could she be thinking!? General Beatrix!

Beatrix: I am standing right here Your Majesty!

Queen Brahne: And, Captain...uh...

Knight: Steiner, Adelbert Steiner, no hinderage about you forgetting my name, I only protect you with my life, my queen.

Queen Brahne: Captain Steiner! Right!

Steiner:...Yes, Your Majesty!

Queen Brahne: Go find Garnet! And get me some corndogs!

Steiner: Yes, my queen!
Beatrix: At once, Your Majesty!
Warcraft Footman: Yes, my liege!

The screen fades to black. It fades back in on Steiner standing in front of the door to the room which Garnet ran out of.

Steiner: Knights of Pluto! ASSEMBLE!!!

Steiner looks around.

Steiner: Kind of like FFOWA, no activity at all.

The two knights who were mugged of their armor run out of the locker room.

Blutzen, Pluto Knight II: Captain, sir!

Kohel, Pluto Knight III: All present and accounted for, sir!

Steiner:What are you talking about!? There's only two of you! Where are the other six!?

He runs down the stairs to confront them.

Steiner: You donkeys! I bring orders from the queen! You don't have jackets so just leave Hell's Kitchen immediately.

Steiner runs out of the castle. In front of the castle, a chorus of cheers are heard.

Steiner: What!? The play seems to be a hit! But if we fail to find the princess before the curtain falls, Her Majesty will be most displeased...but if we succeed maybe Beatrix will be impressed, er, I mean will respect the Knights of Pluto more...I must hurry!

Steiner then proceeds to run up the tower to the left of the castle, because he has instincts.

Steiner: Whew... Fatigue rears its ugly head. No! I must perservere! Rain, or snow, or dead of n-

On the right tower, across from the left, Zidane is chasing Garnet.

Steiner: Oh, there she is. Being hounded by brigands! Fear not, Princess! Your knight is coming!

Garnet climbs on top of the edge and looks at Zidane and falls off the edge. Steiner goes ballistic, thinking she's falling to her death, but get real, she's holding onto a flag cord. Zidane holds onto a cord as well, along with Steiner. Garnet and Zidane land comfortably on a mattress where it came from we don't know, while Steiner smashes into the side of the Theater Ship. Zidane jumps inside the Theater Ship, where a band with several members is playing.

Zidane: What was that about!? And where did she go?

Garnet: Pardon me.

The hooded girl jumps down, runs one way, then returns, knocking the band members and Zidane down.

Garnet: Excuse me. Pardon. Terribly sorry.


Garnet runs through the doors. Zidane follows her.

Zidane: How does that work? Didn't she swing off the castle first? Wouldn't that mean she land on the ship first?

In the next room, she runs by a blue-haired girl, spinning her around, before stopping.

Ruby: Whoa! Whut in tarnation!? Hold yer horses, there! Whut kinda cattle you chasin', darlin'? You should at least say yer sorry!

Garnet: Please pardon me. I was-...Sandy Squirrel's voiceover?

Ruby: >_> Why I oughta!

Zidane enters the room and runs up to them.

Ruby: Hey, Zidane! Did you see the way she hit me!? This cowgirl's wilder than a buckin' bronco!

Zidane: Okay, first off, horses aren't on Gaia, chocobos are.

Ruby: Come again, pardner!? Did you hear what I just said?

Zidane: I did but I can't understand a word you say, you know that!

Ruby: Whut did you say!?

Zidane: Could you get a translator or something?

Garnet runs down a set of stairs behind Ruby.

Zidane: Hold that thought.

Zidane follows her and finally catches up. They're in the room where he first decided to question people on the Prima Vista invented fire yet.

Zidane: Whew... Well, it looks like you've finally made up your mind. For someone sleepy not too long ago you sure are hyper! Wow. We really had to improvise. But hey, we got her!

Garnet: Do you... do you work on this theater ship?

Zidane: Do you have ESP?

Garnet: As you have no doubt suspected...upon great deduction...my overuse of ellipses...generic ellipses phrase...the truth is that...I am actually...and beyond shadow of a doubt...

Garnet removes her hood, as Zidane is checking his hand like there's a watch on it.

Garnet: Princess Garnet Til Alexandros, heir to the throne of Alexandria.

Zidane: No kidding.

Garnet: I have a favor I wish to ask of you...I wish to be kidnapped... right away.

Zidane looks around.

Zidane: That's funny, that's exactly what we were doing.

They hear a knock on the door.

Steiner(behind the door): Princess! Where are you?

There's another knock.

Shaggy(behind the door): Scooby Doo! Where are you?

Scooby Doo pokes his head out of a hiding place in the room.

Scooby Doo: Right here, Raggy!

Garnet places her hood back on.

Garnet: Please... They've come for me!

Zidane: Actually, that last one's looking for the dog in the corner. But leave everything to me, what's the worst that can happen?

Garnet: Thank you. You have my gratitude.

Zidane: Alright then, Your Highness! I shall hereby do my best to...kidnap you!

Cinna runs in.

Cinna: What're you two doin'? And what's that dog doing in the corner? Oh well, come on!

Zidane: Don't worry, Princess. That's Cinna!

Garnet: Oh, really?

Zidane: Ya rly. And he's got a pet hammer!

Cinna: Don't diss Sludgy!

Cinna covets his hammer.

Cinna: It's okay Sludgy, they won't hurt you!

Garnet: O_O, what goes on on this theater ship!?

Zidane: He's a bit out there.

Another knock on a door.

Steiner(still behind the door): Princess!

Shaggy(also still behind the door): Like could you hurry up and escape?

Cinna: This way!

Zidane: Alright, we'll follow you!

Zidane and Garnet follow Cinna into the room where they first held their meeting at the start of the game. Meanwhile, the door which was knocked on several times is opened. Scooby Doo rushes out and leaves ramming into Steiner on the way.

Steiner: Ow, my stomach! Injury rears its ugly head!

He walks into the room, holding his stomach.

Steiner: Princess...Princess! Princess...? PRINCESS!!!? Princess?

A knight runs into the room.

Knight: I don't think she's in here sir.

Steiner: Where have you been!? And how did you know I was here!?

Knight: I saw to go into the theater ship.

Steiner: Princess!

Knight: Sir, I think she would have heard you the first time.

Steiner: When you get to the castle, take off your jacket and leave He'lls Kitchen.

Meanwhile, in the other room...

Zidane: Hey, Cinna! This is a dead end and there's clearly not a secret way out.

Cinna: Hehehe. I thought this might happen...Open sesame!

A secret escape hatch opens.

Zidane: >_> Original password.{/sarcasm]

Steiner knocks on the door

Steiner: Princess!

Cinna: C'mon, down the hatch!

Cinna, Garnet, and Zidane jump hastily into it. Steiner and his knight barge into the room.

Steiner: The princess must be down there!

Knight: Incredible, with no evidence she is down there, sir.

The knight jumps in back-first, and, naturally, gets stuck.

Steiner: Hey!!! What do you think you're doing!? You donkey!!!

Steiner runs out of the room.

Knight: Hehehe. He bought it!

Scene changes to Zidane and Garnet, with Cinna, underneath the hatch

Zidane: Wow, you're really athletic, Princess. I think I'm falling for you!

Garnet: This is nothing. I have been training to escape the castle, after all. I had a Rocky montage and everything.

Zidane: What a waste. If only you weren't a princess...

Garnet: We have no time for idle banter. Come, let us move on!

They run off the screen with Cinna, only to meet up with Steiner in the other room.

Steiner: Aha! Princess! I, Steiner, have come to your rescue!

Zidane: Did you teleport here or something?

The Pluto Knight runs into the room the way Zidane and co. ran in.

Knight: You needn't worry, Your Highness!

Steiner: Good work! This will be remembered as the Pluto Knights' finest hour! Not like the last Pluto Knights' finest hour!

Family Guy Style Clip: On a track somewhere.

Announcer: THE WINNERS OF THE RACE, BEATRIX AND HER ELITE GUARD!

While Beatrix and her troops celebrate, Steiner is still waiting on Kohel to tag him so he can run his part.

Kohel: (panting) I'm coming captain!

Steiner:...You freaking donkey!

Back to here and now.

Knight: If I were one of you I'd bet it would your finest hour.

Steiner: WHAT!!!? You're not one of my knights!

Blank(in the knight armor): Correct, you win a prize!

Zidane: You can just...

Cinna: ...leave the princess...

Blank: ...and the talking in incomplete sentences...

Zidane, Cinna, and Blank: ...to us!

[Battle of Steiner vs. Zidane, Cinna, and Blank, ensues. After a while Steiner he does an attack which we for some bizzare reason will never, ever see again, not even when Steiner is in Trance, the attack destroys Blank's armor disguise, but also releases all the oglops. Afterwards, Cinna, Blank, and Steiner run around erratically like retards.

Steiner: I hate oglops!

Blank: Oglops are the worst!

Cinna: Oglops ftl!

Zidane: Now's our chance! Come on!

Zidane and Garnet run into another room. The scene then changes to King Leo, back on the stage, doing a monologue.

King Leo: Tonight, I shall finally see my daughter Cornelia betroth'd to Prince Schneider! And then Prince Schneider and his kingdom will be mine! Gwahahahaha!

The two guards which fought alongside King Leo before walk onto the stage, holding Marcus' arms.

Zenero: Your Majesty!

Benero: We have caught an intruder!

King Leo: Why, my poor Marcus! Hark, lad. No matter how much thou dost treasure Cornelia...no matter how deeply she might believe she doth love thee...and no matter how this appears to be a Romero & Juliet knock off...never shall I see her marry a peasant such as thee!

Marcus: What if thou closeth thy eyes while a peasant such as me marry thou daughter?

King Leo: That may work.

A bell rings once.

King Leo: Nay, when the bell strikes three...Under the axe thou shall be!

The bell strikes a second time.

Meanwhile, in the room where Zidane and Garnet ran into.

Garnet: What now? We cannot go any further!

Zidane: Hmm...

Cinna runs into the room.

Cinna: Zidane! Get on Number Two!

Zidane: Where's Number Two!?

Cinna: Next to Number One!

Garnet: I see it now.

Zidane: Get on!

Zidane and Garnet run onto a platform. Steiner runs in the room.

Steiner: Stop! In the name of the Pluto Knights.

Steiner rams Cinna.

Cinna: Yow!

Steiner walks onto the platform parallel to Zidane and Garnet's. Both platforms begin to rise upwards. Back on the stage, the bell rings a third time.

King Leo: Futhermore!

The two platforms rise up, as Garnet, Zidane, and Steiner join the group of King Leo, Marcus, Benero and Zenero.

Zidane: (whisper)Guys! Just improvise!

Steiner: Ho? What's all this?

Marcus breaks free from the guards, runs up to Garnet.

Marcus: Cornelia!

Garnet: Oh, Marcus!

Zidane: (whisper) Yeah, you're doing great!

Garnet: (whisper) Thank you, I've only watched this play every year.

Baku: (whispers) Okay, guys. Let's keep going. Brahne's still watchin', after all!

Garnet: Oh, Marcus! I missed you so! I wish never to leave thy side. Prithee, lead me from this place!

Zidane: See, King Leo? Thou shouldst give them thy blessing!

King Leo" Never! Never leave his side, thou sayest? Foolish banter! I'll not allow it! Cornelia shall marry none other than this man - Prince Schneider! Is that not so, Prince Schneider?

Steiner: First the queen constantly forgets my name, now people can not say it right!?

King Leo: >.> <.< Aye! And this traitorous crew, I will put to death!

Zidane and Marcus attack the two guards.

Benero: Too many of them!

Zenero: Yes, that is why they all attacketh in small groups!

They run off the screen. King Leo approaches Garnet.

King Leo: Pray, sweet daughter, come home to the castle with me.

Garnet: Nay, Father! I shan't return!

King Leo: Cornelia... Trouble me no more. I shall name a city after you!

Garnet: Truly!?

Marcus Not if I can help it!!! Now is my moment of vengeance! For my parents, for my love, for stopwatches!

Marcus draws his sword.

Marcus: I shall cut thee down!

Marcus steps forward to stab Leo. Garnet goes in front of Leo, who steps back, and she gets stabbed by the sword

Garnet: Ngh!

On the other side of the screen, Steiner begins to breakdown, thinking she was actually stabbed.

Marcus: No... Cornelia!!!

Garnet: Mar...cus, forgive me. I still love my father...

King Leo: Cornelia!

Steiner: Princess! Do not die from this unrealistic stab wound!

Garnet: Prithee, forgive my selfishness, Father, and spare my sweet Marcus...

Marcus: What have I done!? Am I never to hear her loving voice again!? Am I cursed never again to feel her soft touch!? O, cruel fate! Thou hast robbed me of all I treasure!

Marcus fake slits his wrist.

Marcus: Ngah!

Zidane: Marcus! Do not be an emo!

The screen changes to a view of Queen Brahne.

Queen Brahne: Oh, my! This year's show is splendid! Waaaaaaa! I don't even remember half that last scene! (whispers) Now, where's my ice cream? (talks normal) Boo-hoo-hooo!!!

Over to Puck and Vivi...

Puck: Wow, what a show!

Vivi is reading Shakesphere at the same time.

Vivi: Yeah, so sad...so familar.

Puck: I'm glad we climbed all the way over here. How ‘bout you, huh? Uh oh! Looks like trouble!

Puck and Vivi both run away, as two knights chase them.

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII: Stop, you!

Weimar, Pluto Knight VII: Come back, trespassers!

Vivi trips.

Vivi: Stupid robe.

Puck: Fool! I'm outta here!

Puck runs away. Vivi runs away shortly after.

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII: Fury!!!

Weimar, Pluto Knight VII: What was that last thing you said about!?

The scene changes back to King Leo and company.

King Leo: Forgive me!!!

Steiner: Princess!!!

Vivi runs onto the stage.

Vivi: Leave me alone!

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII: Stop!!!

Weimar, Pluto Knight VII: Come back here!

Vivi: Don't come any closer! I can make fire!

Vivi does a fire spell, which hits Garnet's hood. She jumps up.

Garnet: Ow! That's hot!

Garnet throws off her hood & disguise.

Baku: Zidane! It's time!

Zidane: Princess Garnet! Let's get outta here!

Steiner: What... What is going on!?

Garnet: Steiner! Don't follow me anymore!

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII: Captain, sir! We await your orders, sir!

Steiner: Hmmm... Well... Umm... Errr...Princess! I'm afraid I cannot comply! Haagen! Take off your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen!

Zidane: What's he talking about?

Garnet: His bizarre lingo for "You're dismissed!"

Zidane: Well, let's ditch Sir Rustalot and get outta here!

Steiner: Princess, wait!

Zidane walks over to Vivi.

Zidane: Hey, kid... You okay!?

Vivi: I just tripped over my robe, stupid thing.

Steiner: Princess, I cannot allow you to go! Seize them at once!

The scene changes to the theater ship's bridge.

Cinna: Stabilizers configured!

Baku: Good!

Blank: Engine room is good to go!

Baku: Alright! We're movin' out!

Blank:Roger that!

The Theater Ship begins to ascend, with Garnet, Zidane, and Vivi on the deck. The Queen notices this and orders for it to be stopped. Several harpoons are fired (WHY HARPOONS!?) all of which connect with the Theater Ship, bring it down and crashing some Alexandrian buildings that people are clearly not inside. The Queen signals for another cannon, which is revealed above where she's sitting, and something is fired out; after a few moments you notice it's a fiery Bomb!

Garnet: I wonder when she install that.

Zidane: Somebody set up us the bomb!

Marcus: Isn't that one of those things that explode?

The bomb lands on the ship and explodes, and the Queen cheers, thinking that the Theater Ship was destroyed. But it emerges from the cloud of smoke, in one piece, but with fire and smoke emanating from everywhere, as it departs Alexandria. The queen snaps her fan in half.

Brahne: WHERE'S MY CHEESEBURGERS!?

The theater ship, losing power, barely stays afloat on the cloud of mist.

Cinna: We're gonna crash!!!

Baku: No, really!?

The ship descends the mist, where it is much darker than above it; the ship lands smack dab in the middle of a forest area. A large explosion of fire can be seen some ways away.

Queen Brahne: Garnet...I never imagined you would do such a thing. Perhaps you're not such a helpless little girl anymore...Zorn!

Zorn appears on the right side of the screen.
Queen Brahne: Thorn!

Thorn appears on the left side.

Queen Brahne: Is our little experiment ready?

Zorn: Yes, Your Majesty. It is combat-ready.

Thorn: Easily terminate Princess Garnet, it can, Your Majesty.

Queen Brahne: I need her alive!

Zorn: But you just blow up the ship she was on, that implies you wanted her dead!

Queen Brahne: Don't question me! Bring her back at once alive! And bring me some nachos and hot dogs at once!

[Guardian XIII]

xD Very funny. I liked Kupo's line about Puck the best. I look forward to reading the rest.

[Darth Cid]

Chapter 1.2: EVILLLLLLL Forest

Zidane gets up in the middle of a forest, as the wind howls. He steps forward and sees the crashed Theater Ship.

Baku: Grr...my back's killing me...Are you alright?

Cinna: I don't think the airship's gonna move.

Baku: Just our luck to crash in this forest... it's gonna get interesting...

Cinna: But I hear no one's gotten out of this forest alive. Isn't the correct term then, "Dreadful"?

Baku: Nah, just interesting. If we just don't make mistakes of our enemies.

Family Guy Style Clip: Alexandrian soldiers in the meeting room.

Alexandrian Soldier #1: So instead of risking the whole army, we should send out easily defeatable small groups of two, three, and four at a time.

Alexandrian Solder #2: Brillant idea, I'll inform the general of your idea.

Back to here and now. Blank runs into the room.

Blank: Boss! There's fire everywhere! It's outta control!

Baku: Um, put the fire out? Maybe?

Blank: >_> Right.

Blank runs out of the room.

Baku: Get our goods outta here too: weapons, toasters, computers, onion peelers, cheese rollers, Al Bhed translating devices, bubble wrap, chairs, pickles, pokeballs, and frog cages, and don't forget the enclosed instruction book. Can't survive without the enclosed instruction book.

Cinna: You mean this enclosed instruction book?

Cinna hold up the enclosed instruction book that is half way on fire.

Baku: Gimme that.

Baku throws the book on the ground to stomp the fire out. Cinna runs out of the room, as the screen fades to black. Meanwhile, outside the Prima Vista, Cinna is standing around.

Cinna: Phew...I'm beat...Hurry up and put out the fire! I can't carry ‘em all by myself!

Zenero walks out of the ship and throws a wounded person on the ground.

Cinna: What the hell are they doin'!? The whole ship's gonna burn up!

Zenero: They're lookin' for Garnet... Can't find her anywhere. Maybe she fell off... Got squashed under the ship.

Cinna: That will make this difficulty, I think 2/3 of the story is built up on her situation, it won't do the storyline much good if she's dead.

Zidane runs onto the screen and up to Cinna.

Cinna: Zidane, I'm surprised you made it! I can't believe you jumped off! You're nuts, you know that?

Zidane: Throwing myself off a burning airship has been a dream of mine.

Cinna: We've all got the devil's luck. If we don't find Princess Garnet, this story up until the middle of Disc 3 is dead meat.

Meanwhile, halfway across the forest, Vivi and Garnet are climbing up a hill. Vivi slips and falls.

Vivi: WHOOA!

Garnet runs over to him.

Garnet: Are you alright?

Vivi stands up and backs away.

Vivi: Is it still coming?

Garnet: I do not see it so unless it can climb above trees, which it clearly is not intellect enough to do that.

A large shadow passes over Vivi and goes above Garnet. Garnet look up.

Garnet: Perhaps I should shut up.

The screen returns to Zidane, who enters the next screen, as the words "EVIL FOREST" present themselves on the screen.

Zidane: Wonder why it's called that.

He runs to where Vivi and Garnet were attacked by the monster.

Vivi: Sh-She's in trouble...

Zidane: What the hell is that?

Zidane runs forward to see the monster, holding Garnet within itself, and Steiner in front of it.

Steiner: Release the princess and leave Hell's Kitchen at once!!!

Zidane: You are not Gordon Ramsey, shut up with that!

It's Zidane and Steiner vs. the creature holding Garnet prisoner. The battle starts with Zidane goes into a strange glowing form.

Steiner: I thought were Super Saiyans glowed gold, not pink.

Zidane: >_> I think this is a Trance.

The creature runs away after being defeated, taking Garnet along with it.

Steiner: Princess? PRINCESS!!! PRINCEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!

Zidane: You get it! She's a princess!

Vivi: She's gone...I choked and couldn't cast spells, why man!?

Steiner: How could I let this happen!?

Zidane: Don't worry. She's not dead yet. That monster was only a minion. He's probably gonna take her to his master.

Steiner: And what allows you to know that?

Zidane: I don't know, it's not big enough to be the first boss.

Steiner: I do not how you can possibly come to that conclusion when the monster is at least three times one of their size, do you have a boss size determining chart or something.

Zidane: Look, I know bosses when I see them, that's not a boss. A boss doesn't run away unless it beats us up without a Game Over screen appearing after the loss and something usually holds it back from finishing us.

The monster jumps down and traps Vivi, much like he trapped Garnet. Another fight happens where Vivi, trapped, casts Fire which hurt the monster greatly. This time, instead of escaping, the monster is burn to a crisp and Vivi is set free.

Zidane: Are you alright?

Vivi: That is what happens you annoy me too much, I will set you on fire.

Zidane: O_O O...kay.

The monster lets loose some sort of green steam attack, which catches everyone off guard. It hits Vivi and Steiner, who respond with surprised statements. Vivi is knocked out.

Steiner: P-Prin-cess!

Zidane: Yeah very good, let's move on to another word now.

The scene returns to the Prima Vista, as Blank tends to Vivi in one of the rooms.

Blank: You guys are lucky. If it weren't for Zidane, you'd both be dead. Some of the monsters in this forest reproduce by planting seeds in other animals. And when the seeds sprout, it's hasta la vista: you become beef jerky.

Vivi: Wouldn't it be plant jerky?

Blank: Good point. Here, drink this. It'll remove all the seeds from your body.

Vivi drinks it.

Vivi: I'd rather drink grass.

Screen changes to a different room, where an extremely-weakened Steiner walks towards the exit of the Prima Vista, with Zenero following behind him

Steiner: Princess... I'm coming right now...

Benero gets in his way. Steiner moves to the left, Benero mirrors his move, Steiner waves, Benero mirrors his wave. Steiner starts moonwalker, Benero has never learned to moonwalk.

Steiner: Ah ha! Stand aside!

Benero: Room behind you. Go.

Steiner: Princess grave danger. Now. Do you intend to ABANDON HER!?

Benero: You're in no condition. Stay in here and drink this.

Zenero: Don't worry about the princess. The boss won't abandon her.

Steiner is pushed into the room and tosses the medicine to him. Elsewhere, at the Prima Vista's bridge, Zidane and Baku are talking.

Baku: We're gonna abandon her.

Zidane: Come again boss?

Baku: There's no need to risk our necks for her. We go out now, and we'll all get wasted. Mah bois come before the princess, you know. It's too bad...We're gonna stay put ‘til everyone recovers.

Zidane: That's stupid especially considering I threw myself off a tower to catch her.

Zidane leaves the room. Meanwhile, Steiner is in his room, plotting out what to do.

Steiner: Hmm...The structure is in poor condition. Perhaps I can break out by ramming into the wall. But I will not.

Steiner walks over to a table and sits down.

Steiner: What's this?

Steiner picks up some sort of doll.

Steiner: "Princess Garnet til' Alexandros"?

Steiner looks around and sees more dolls.

Steiner: "Vivi Ornitier?", "Zidane Tribal?", "ADELBERT STEINER?"

Steiner picks up the Steiner doll and puts it on the table next to him.

Steiner: I am now beside myself.

Meanwhile, Cinna is outside the Prima Vista, searching frantically.

Cinna: It should be here somewhere. Huh...? Where are my action figures!? Man. How am I supposed to play "Final Fan Fiction" now?

Meanwhile, Ruby is standing in a bar in Alexandria.

Ruby: Where'd everbuddy go? And whut am I supposed to do now?

????: W-wait a minute!

Vivi rips a hole in the scene. PLOTHOLE RANT ALERT!

Vivi: Ruby was supposed to still be on the ship, wasn't she? In fact, because she was playing Cornelia before Garnet took over the scene, but wouldn't that still mean Ruby should still be on the Prima Vista for the fact that she was a part of the play? What happened? Did a harpoon knock her off the ship? I don't think it likely since she's just standing like an idiot. Did no one think of a proper transition that could explain this!?

Zidane heads down to Vivi's room. Vivi, lying down on the bed, wakes up.

Vivi: Oh...Thank you for helping me.

Zidane: Man, you were very hyper with that Ruby scene.

Vivi: I just wish I could have went off like that when that thing had the princess.

Zidane: Hey, don't worry about the princess. I'll get her back. I promise.

Vivi: Thank you, Mr. Zidane.

Zidane: Just Zidane. Or Mr. Tribal or even Mr. Zidane Tri-

Vivi: Okay Zidane!

Zidane walks out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Zidane: Geez...He was pretty down...Maybe I shouldn't have made that promise. I don't even know if I'll be able to find her...But nothing fixes my determination like a good flashback.

Screen turns white, than fades in for a Zidane-flashback episode. He recalls the moment he first ran into Garnet in Alexandria Castle.

Zidane: Man...I never felt so strange...a flashback has never happened on que before. Maybe fate brought us together...I can't explain it...

Screen returns to Zidane in the Prima Vista, outside Vivi's room.

Zidane: Man, I can't stop thinking about her...What am I gonna do...?

[Press 1 on your touch tone phone to Go look for her, Press 2 to Forget it.] The screen pauses for a few seconds.

Zidane: Yeah! What's there to think about!? She's cute...and she's in trouble. That's all that matters. No matter how many of you jerks probably pressed 2.

Blank: ...There you are.

Blank walks in, Zidane runs up to him.

Blank:Why so serious!?

Zidane: I'm gonna take that knight and the black mage to find the princess.

Blank: You're crazy! Man, you don't even know what's out there. Besides, there's no way the boss'll ever allow that in a million years.

A few second later Zidane is in the meeting room with Baku.

Baku: I'll allow it.

Zidane: Really?

Baku: Yeah go on.

Zidane: What about this being a forest no one gets out of alive?

Baku: You will, everyone will, this forest is gonna proven so wrong it's not funny, I read ahead and found out. Go find your princess.

Zidane heads over to Steiner's room.

Zidane: Come on. You're too old to be playing with dolls.

Steiner: Silence! A scoundrel like you could never understand! I'm just overwhelmed with concern for the princess! If only you rogues hadn't kidnapped her... This is all your fault! If anything should happen to the princess, I will have your head!

Zidane: Yes, yes, I'm the scum of Gaia, I should die the death of a billion frogs. Look I'm going to find the princess. I'll let you come with me if you promise to be good. What do you say, Rusty?

Steiner: RR...RUSTY!!!? I am Adelbert Steiner, Captain of the Knights of Pluto, and I will never work with you conniving thieves!

Zidane: Working with us conniving thieves would be just the same as working with the queen wouldn't it? Her tax plans are terrible. I just wanna save Garnet.

Steiner: Hmph...! You had better not be lying Because if you are, I won't hesitate to kill you!

Zidane: Yeah, yeah. I'm counting on you, Rusty.

Steiner: Make no mistake. I'm not only going with you to rescue the princess! I will deal with you personally when this is over! And I will not develop a friendship over time from working with you either, that shall never happen.

Zidane: ...Whatever. There. I made an FFVIII reference. We don't have worry about referencing it again do we?

Steiner: It may be difficult with just the two of us. We should seek Master Vivi's help as well.

Zidane: Why are you calling him 'Master'?

Steiner: I am agreeing to become his student in the ways of the force. We need Master Vivi's powers to rescue the princess.

Zidane: Alright, let's go talk to Master Vivi.

Zidane and Steiner leave the room, and go to Vivi's room.

Zidane: Well, Vivi, we're ready to go look for the princess.

Vivi: Really? That's great. Good luck!

Zidane: I don't think you get it, we gotta find the princess.

Steiner: And you go ta helllp us!

Zidane: If you need instructions, check out the enclosed instruction book.

Zidane hands Vivi the half burnt book.

Vivi: But I can't do anything.

Steiner: Hardly, Master Vivi. Your magic was highly effective against that monster. I would hate to see how Firaga would destroy that thing. In all honesty, I hold your power in greater esteem than I do this scoundrel's.

Zidane: That really makes me wanna slit my wrist. [/sarcasm]

Vivi: But what if I choke again?

Steiner: For the sake of plot convenience, you won't.

Zidane: Yeah, the storyline doesn't really have you freeze up much.

Vivi: Well, alright but I better become a popular character by the ending credits.

Steiner: Thank you, Master Vivi.

Zidane walks out of the room. Vivi heads towards the door, but Steiner stops him.

Steiner: Master Vivi...

Vivi: Yeah?

Steiner: It's about your black magic. I wish to try an experiment...I was wondering if...Whisper, whisper...

Vivi: "Whisper, whisper" Hmmmm, how about I cast black magic on your sword and you slash monsters with it?


They head towards the exit of the Prima Vista, at the bottom of the room where you fought Baku. Zidane and Blank have a little chat.

Blank: Sheez... you really dig her, huh?

Zidane: I can't sit around knowing a girl's in trouble. Goes against my nature.

Blank: Whatever. You're

Zidane: I already did the FFVIII reference, anyway you're jealous that I'm gonna get me a sweetie pie.

Blank: Pshhh... She's not even my type. I just wanted to give you this.

Zidane: You're always thinking about me...but I don't need a love potion. I'm pretty sure I'm the lead male protagonist and she's the lead female, so we'll fall in love by default, although, fortunately this time it's gonna be more realistic due the fact I'm hitting on her, not the other way around.

Blank: This is medicine I gave to that black mage and the knight. It's sort of like a seed remover.

Zidane: Wait, wait we have a medicine for a forest we weren't planning on crash landing in.

Blank: Just go with it.

Zidane takes Blank's medicine.

Blank: Oh yeah. Here's a little tip from the boss.

"Don't forget to set your abilities.

Leaving the band is your business, but you better keep training! Learning more abilities is gonna make you even stronger.

Good luck,
Baku."

Zidane: Set your abilities?

Blank: Remember he's off his meds.

Zidane, Vivi, and Steiner leave the Prima Vista and journey into the Evil Forest. Meanwhile, In the Prima Vista, several band members are playing a song "Rufus' Welcoming Ceremony." Suddenly, Rufus Shinra appears and walks through the room.

Conductor: Okay, let's really liven up this place!

Violinist: Yeah, let our music do the fighting against those monsters!

Cymbalist: This oughta boost morale.

Drummer: This is great!

Trumpeter: Brrum, brrrum, brrrruuum!

Baku walks down the stairs, into the room.

Baku: Nice racecar sound trumpter, but enough with the fan service.

Drummer, Cymbalist, and Violinist: Okay, Boss!

Conductor: Alright!

Trumpeter: Brrruuuum!

Back to the plot, Zidane comes upon a moogle drinking from a small spring.

Zidane: Hmm... No sign of any monsters here.

Walks over to the spring.

Zidane: A spring...

Vvi: no wai!

Zidane: Yeah,

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Blank and Baku are talking in the Prima Vista.

Blank: Are you sure about this?

Baku: Yeah, don't worry. We'll be outta here soon, too. Here, take this map.Don't forget to get turned to stone.

Blank: ...Okay.

Meanwhile back at the plot, We focus in on a portion of the forest across a lake, glowing bright red light, filled with vines and some sort of huge flower. Finally, they run to the screen with the forest's boss: the huge flower/plant thing we saw the light. Tied to a wall behind it is Garnet.

Vivi: There she is!

Zidane: I told you!

Steiner: Okay boss nerd, you stay out of this! Alexandria would be disgraced if a mere bandit should rescue the princess.

Zidane: Actually, I don't think Alexandria would care.

They fight the Plant Brain (nice name). A little bit into the match, Blank joins the fight as well.

Blank: Whew, I made it just in time. Step aside. I'll take care of this.

The plant brain slams Blank into a wall.

Zidane: PWNED!

The Plant Brain is finally defeated, they free Garnet, and Steiner holds her in his arms.

Steiner: Princess!!! Please get a hold of yourself!

Blank: Zidane, give her the stuff.

Zidane: Down the hatch.

Zidane gives Garnet the medicine.

Garnet starts to cough and hack

Steiner: Princess, please try to drink all of it.

Vivi: Is she gonna be okay?

The ground shakes for a split second.

Blank :Oh, man! What now!?

A big hole opens up in the ground, and two small bug creatures climb out. A third one enters the room from the doorway that they entered.

Blank: Like that was planned.

Zidane: Let's get out of here.

Blank: GO!

Zidane: I just said that.

Steiner, still holding Garnet, and Zidane run towards an exit. Vivi and Blank stay still.

Blank: What are you waitin' for!?

Zidane: Well, you're stilling stand.

Vivi and Blank soon run out In the next scene, the four of them are running away from a legion of bug monsters chasing after them: Vivi in front, followed by Steiner & Garnet, Blank, and Zidane in the back. All of a sudden, Zidane stops running; so does Blank.

Blank: What are you doin'!?

Zidane: I'm standing to point out something when I should still be running.

Blank: Why?

Zidane: Plot convenience! Blank... Take care of everyone.

Zidane begins to run.

Blank: But I'm gonna turn to stone!

Blank runs off the screen The four are running, and behind them, dozens upon dozens, possibly hundreds, maybe thousands, but probably not millions, and certianly not billions, but still perhaps trillions of bug creatures. The entire forest is getting petrified, as well. Zidane, at the back of the ground, is about to get caught in the grasp of a bug, is pushed aside by Blank, who gets caught in the bug's grasp. As the wave of petrification reaches the bugs, making them immobile, Blank somehow still has enough time to launch the map which Baku gave him to Zidane who, still running, picks it up and makes the final sprint for the exit. A series of the forests vines attempt to stab, jab, and hit Zidane in any way possible (they got something against people with tails) but he outmaneuvers them all because he's the freakin' hero, taking one final leap out of the forest. Steiner, Vivi and Zidane look upon it as the entrance becomes completely petrified, and a final shot of inside the forest, with a petrified Blank, is shown stuck in motion, his pose means him look like an idiot.

Zidane: I told him never to get stoned.

Screen fades to black. Fades back in on an impromptu camp site, with a fire burning and a small tent, outside the forest. Steiner is watching over the sleeping Garnet, while Vivi is sitting in front of the fire and Zidane is working on the tent.

Vivi: I hope she gets well soon...

Steiner: This is all his fault! Have you nothing to say, you filth!?

Garnet:...Oh...

Steiner: P-Princess!!!

Zidane: Yes, she is a princess. We've established that.

Garnet:...Steiner?...How did I survive...? You brought me here?

Steiner: It is my sworn duty to protect you at any cost.

Zidane: What are you talking about? It was Vivi's magic and my dagger that got you out of there, Princess.

Garnet: I thank you both.

Steiner: That monkey deserves no praise! None of this would've happened if you and your band hadn't abducted the princess! And how dare you claim that you have rescued her!? When we get back to Alexandria, I will-

Garnet: Steiner.

Steiner: Yes, princess?

Garnet: Shut up!

Steiner: Yes, princess.

Garnet: I left the castle of my own will.

Zidane: What a coincidence, eh? And the boss said she wouldn't do that.

Steiner: O rly?

Garnet: To quote something I found on the Internet, "Ya rly."

Zidane: So what do you say, Rusty? Friends? Come on, let's just enjoy this camping trip while it lasts.

Steiner: I do not like camping, a bear stole my armor last time I went camping. Princess, we must leave this dangerous place at once.

Zidane: Alright, tell me... How do you plan to get out of here. We're standing in a valley surrounded by tall cliffs. There's a boulder block the Dodongo Cavern. Additional Supply Depots required. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 gil. Last I heard, North Gate and South Gate were sealed off. And there is no spoon!

Steiner:.....

Zidane: Yeah. That's what I thought.

Steiner: Grrrrr...

Zidane: The princess can barely walk right now. You went through this. You should know. I think we should rest here for now.

Steiner: I will never follow -

Zidane: Steiner! What are you programmed to do?

Steiner: To protect Princess Garnet Til Alexandros! How did you do that? I am a terminator?

Zidane: Let's just get some rest.

Everyone, except Steiner sits down and stares up at the sky for some bizarre reason.