Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > father [p]

[Moon Rabbits]

i washed myself in your empty grave
clean white sheet ghosts watched
and smiled
said they would take care of you
"he's nothing but light now"

but you're heavy heavy
heavy in my lungs
heavy in my heart
heavy in my soul
heavy in my head
i've got the dirt and the spit of the world

so i washed myself in your empty grave

so the spirits said
"old habits die hard"
but you went out
like soft and silent

i took in a mouthful of soil
so i could taste what you taste
and it was bitter
white and salty

so i washed myself in your empty grave

--

[Dignified Pauper]

definitely get rid of:

"heavy in my lungs
heavy in my heart
heavy in my soul
heavy in my head"

Also, the last two lines of the first stanza are beautiful. That's all I have at this time. But definitely, those lines just don't flow with this poem at all and are completely unnecessary.

[Moon Rabbits]

i washed myself in your empty grave
clean white sheet ghosts watched
and smiled
said they would take care of you
"he's nothing but light now"

but you're heavy heavy
i've got the dirt and
the spit of the world

so i washed myself in your empty grave

so the spirits said
"old habits die hard"
but you went out
like soft and silent

i took in a mouthful of soil
so i could taste what you taste
and it was bitter
white and salty

so i washed myself in your empty grave


--

small revision. i want to change it more, because i know it isnt done, but i cant figure out what to add or change or remove. i know its still the second stanza tahts bugging me.