 |
|
| | >>> Click
here to download Final Fantasy Ringtones |
| |
#1  Advice for iCarly fanfics... For those of you who watch iCarly on Nickelodeon, I'm working on three fanfics about the show. I need advice on revising them. The storylines in these three fanfics have a much darker tone to them, dealing with regret, depression, and suicide. They take place during senior year of high school. The first storyline deals with Sam's bullying, as well as Carly's lack of toughness on Sam, taking a toll on Freddie after so many years of putting up with it, so he attempts suicide in his sophomore year at age 16, but survives due to a timely intervention by his mother. Two years later, now 18, Carly and Sam severely regret those misdeeds to him and beg him for a second chance at friendship. The second storyline deals with Freddie's continued anguish about his past, specifically hanging out with girls too often and Carly constantly rejecting his romantic feelings for her. Remembering his past experiences with girls, Freddie decides to never have a romance ever again. Carly asks him to go to prom with her as her date, but he turns her down, after which she notices his continued anguish, which he always tried to hide from her and Sam, so she begs him for a second chance at romance. The third storyline deals with Nevel's remorse for trying to ruin their webshow. In the episode iFight Shelby Marx, Carly jokingly states that she can beat Shelby Marx, a young female MMA fighter. However, Nevel enhances the video to look like she really meant it, and tried to have her beat up Carly, but in the end, he gets beaten up as punishment by Carly, Sam, and Shelby after Freddie locks him in the octagon. A few years later, Nevel is traumatized and broken by this event, and his weight explodes into morbid obesity, and deeply regrets this, and attempts suicide, but fails due to his mother's intervention, but while he is very sorry for what he did, he is not willing to reconcile with them, and especially hates Shelby Marx, having nightmares about her for a few years. They all try to reconcile with him, and while he accepts the iCarly crew, he rejects Shelby Marx, which brings her to tears. I will include a number of allusions to previous episodes in the series, and I would like your help in revising my fanfics. I'd like you guys to add some more plot elements and a script of spoken dialogue to my stories, and then I will post them up sometime. The first drafts of my three posted stories will be posted in this thread soon for your critiques. Remember: these stories have a much darker tone. |
10-17-2009, 09:13 AM
|  
|
| |
| | Update: Unfortunately, the fanfic postings will be delayed because my mother is hooking up her new computer up where the one I am on right now at home is, moving this one to another place in the house, and trying to figure out how we're gonna get internet access for both computers. Also note that these fanfics have multiple prototypes; once this computer is hooked back up and we can get internet on it again, I'll post up the prototypes. You can critique them and decide which ones you like. |
|
10-23-2009, 04:45 AM
|
|
| | Further update: Unhooking of this computer has been delayed, so I think I can post up at least two of the fanfics soon. I have looked at all of my prototypes and decided what I think is the best will be displayed for all of you to see and critique. The first two fanfics are coming soon. |
|
10-25-2009, 09:00 AM
|
|
| | So, here's my first story for you guys to critique. The areas that are bolded are the areas that I would like you to make dialogue scripts for. iCarly: iRegret Bullying Freddie It is the end of June, and his sophomore high school year has ended. Years of putting up with Sam’s bullying have taken a toll on 16-year-old Freddie Benson. It has finally come to a point where Freddie is considering suicide. Unbeknownst to everyone else around him, Freddie has devised a plan to commit suicide by hanging himself, but before he would do that, he would cut himself several times all across his body. Freddie is the technical producer of the hit web show iCarly, with two girls named Carly Shay and Sam Puckett. While Carly always rejected his romantic feelings for her, she still treated him with respect. Sam, however, bullied him for no apparent reason. After Sam humiliated Freddie live on their web show telecast by dumping trash all over him and then mocking him, Freddie has had enough. He wrote a suicide note to his mother. The words of the note are as follows: Dear Mother, I apologize deeply for doing this to you, but I have decided to kill myself because of Sam. I have taken so much torture from her and I have had enough; I cannot bear to take any more torture from her, so I have decided to kill myself and put an end to my misery. The things she has done to me include so much verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse, as well as extreme humiliation and embarrassment; she treats me like trash and likes to put me down to the point that I can’t even strike back at her, and I cannot go through this anymore. I am so sorry, mother, but enough is enough. Even though sometimes you might be rather frustrating to deal with, you are still a great mother, and I love you to death. Thank you for everything. Farewell. Love, Freddie On June 29, at around 7:00 pm, they were going to do a web show, but Freddie was nowhere to be found, and could not be reached. Carly proceeded to send Freddie a text message, but received no response. Meanwhile, Freddie’s mother heard a terrifying scream coming out of Freddie’s room. She saw that Freddie was trying to kill himself, so she called 911 for help. Across the hall, Spencer was working on something when he was alerted that Freddie had just attempted suicide, so she called Spencer to try to restrain Freddie until the ambulance arrived. A few minutes later, the paramedics arrived to take Freddie to the hospital, where they evaluated his injuries. Mrs. Benson went to the hospital with Freddie, but Spencer stayed behind to tell Carly and Sam that Freddie had just hurt himself by inflicting cuts and stabs all over his body, and then was about to hang himself when his mother intervened. They rushed downstairs after hearing the paramedics take Freddie away, and were shocked. They went to the hospital, where Freddie was now undergoing surgery, and his mother lashed out at Sam in rage. After the surgery was finished, Freddie would spend several days recuperating at the hospital, and then, after that, he would be moved to an emergency psychiatric ward, where his mental health state would be evaluated, and where he would also undergo daily physical therapy sessions for his stomach and back. It was then decided to make sure Freddie stayed as far away from Sam as possible, and that they move out of that apartment and live with other family members to lend Freddie support through this difficult time. After a month, when Freddie was released from the ward in the middle of August, it was decided that he and his mother would move to Olympia to live with other relatives; all their stuff from their original Seattle apartment was packed up and ready to move. It was also decided that he would be home-schooled for at least the entire next school year, hiring a personal tutor to teach him the academic courses that he needs. Freddie said that he wanted to be alone, with no other schoolmates to bully him, and that he never wanted to see Sam ever again, although he would miss Carly and her brother Spencer, and Sam’s sister Melanie, and that he would still keep in touch with all of his other friends at his old school. Meanwhile, back in Seattle, news of Freddie’s suicide attempt shocked all their neighbors, as well as their classmates at school. Sam’s twin sister, Melanie, came by for a visit, and Carly revealed to her that while she wanted to discipline Sam, she was afraid that Sam might turn on her, and that the reason why she befriended Sam was because she hoped that Sam would change her ways. Melanie understood her fear, and revealed that it was a good thing that she and Sam were separated after birth; both are twin sisters, but their mother could only care for one of them, so she kept Sam and put Melanie up for adoption. Melanie was adopted by one of their mother’s former bullying victims, and was raised as her own. Because of this, while they are physically identical, they developed differently in terms of mentality. Sam and Melanie’s biological family contained a number of blue-collar criminals, many of which are either in jail or on parole, although some have reformed and have gone on to lecturing about discipline. After their conversation, Carly and Melanie, now joined by Spencer, confronted Sam together, where they berated her, calling her a “self-centered, no-good scum who likes to bully others for no apparent reason,” and when Sam attempted to assault them, Carly and Melanie beat her up while Spencer called up his and Carly’s father’s military squad to take her to boot camp. Then they made a special telecast of iCarly to explain that Freddie had decided to quit, but not revealing that he attempted suicide, wanting to keep the news at a local level, and the punishment that Sam is taking, stating that this will be the last live show they will be telecasting for a while, and would instead post updates in pre-recorded videos. At boot camp, they treated her like a slave; when she first arrived, she was beaten with a whip, and then they forced her to do rigorous exercises, perform slave work, taunted and insulted her, and gave her very poor nourishment, which she had to endure for the whole summer. After her time at the boot camp base was over, they took her to a prison to experience what will become of her if she were to continue being the menace that she was; while many members of her family have been arrested and put in jail, none have ever committed a crime severe enough to put them in a prison. While she pushed through the punishment that she endured at the boot camp base without showing any emotions, her experience at the prison shook her so badly that it reduced her to tears. She began to deeply regret all the bad things that she has done in the past, and vowed to try her best to make amends for those misdeeds so that she could redeem herself. As school started again in September, on the first day of her junior year, Sam was confronted with lots of very angry schoolmates, who all did to her the same things that she did to Freddie. Shortly after that, Principal Franklin summoned her to his office and told her that she will be given additional punishment assignments and community service for the entire school year. As time went by, Sam began to have nightmares about what she did to Freddie, and began to feel extreme remorse for what she has done, and prayed for a chance to try to seek redemption and reconcile with Freddie, and would be willing to do whatever it took to make it up to him. In the spring of her senior year, just before spring break, Spencer called Mrs. Benson on the phone, telling her about the spring break celebration in Seattle, and that Sam was extremely sorry for all the pain that she put Freddie through, and that she seeks redemption. He told her that they saved the apartment that she and Freddie moved out of so that one day, they could move back in there, and that they would be sending Melanie over as Sam’s messenger tomorrow, because Sam is too scared that she will never be forgiven. Before they hung up, Spencer also told them that they are invited to stay at their apartment for the weekend. Mrs. Benson turned down the offer to stay at their apartment, but stated that she will seek reconciliation if Freddie desires it, as she mentioned that Freddie originally said that he never wanted to see Sam ever again. That Friday, Mrs. Benson took Melanie to their house in Olympia, where she explained to Freddie that Sam has nightmares about her past every night, and that she would be willing to do anything to make it up to him. She also mentioned that she, Melanie, as well as Carly and Spencer, and all of his other friends at his old school miss him so much, and they are all asking for him to come back. At first, Freddie stated that he wasn’t interested, but then Melanie got emotional and cried, after which he changes his mind. She then took Freddie back to Seattle, and went to Carly’s apartment that evening so that he, Carly, and Sam could talk in private. When they got there, at around 6:00 pm, Carly and Sam hugged Freddie, and Sam began to confess everything and begged him for another chance, on her knees and crying, and asks him what she can do to make up for the suffering that she put him through, and Freddie merely states that she can just treat him right, treat others right, and discipline other bullies, and with that, he accepts her apology, after which she cries hysterically onto his shirt. The End Ending song: “Leave Out All the Rest” by Linkin Park Lyrics: I dreamed I was missing; you were so scared But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared After my dreaming, I woke with this fear What am I leaving when I'm done here? So if you're asking me, I want you to know… When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest Don't be afraid I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through I've never been perfect, but neither have you So if you're asking me, I want you to know… When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself I can't be who you are When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself I can't be who you are I can't be who you are Feel free to critique and add dialogue for the bolded areas. Fanfic 2 coming soon. Last edited by SuperMillionaire; 11-16-2009 at 06:05 AM.. |
|
10-25-2009, 05:23 PM
|
|
 | Before I critique your fanfiction, I want to let you know that I enjoyed your ideas. I never thought iCarly could be so deep. I liked the fanfiction but it felt like the course of the whole story went a bit too fast. If you can, try to stretch out your ideas as much as possible such as being more descriptive about the scenarios that took place. For example, after the suicide note that Freddie leaves behind, describe the angst that was going through his mind. Make the audience FEEL the angst that he was going through by putting more imagery into there. Of course, I don't have much experience in writing fanfiction so you might want to disregard my advice totally. |
|
10-25-2009, 08:30 PM
|
|
  |
| |
~♥~♥~
