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#25  Well now, thank you. I love you too, Bunnicula. And Fright, that episode you just watched was iPilot, the pilot episode. I feel very sorry for Freddie because Sam treats him like trash; just watch more episodes and you'll see what I mean. In the end, all of Sam's bullying would probably result in the events of my fanfics... |
11-01-2009, 08:41 PM
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| Cid's Knight  | Well I read the whole script idea. I agree it needs to be fleshed out and I feel you need to take a more realistic take on certain things. Boot camp for one thing would be brutal for an urbanite like Sam but it wouldn't involve whips or obvious torture. More like heavy training and breaking her personality down. The Prison idea is pretty good though. When she returns to school, I feel you need to explain more to this with detail, create an idea of tension and isolation as people talk behind her back or out right ignore her but ultimately I would try to stay within the framework of realism. Going from there, I feel you need to break this entire story into several chapters in order maintain a sense of balance, otherwise I would drop the conversation about Melanie explaining her past to Carly or perhaps have it broken up and spread around a bit. I feel it adds too much extra drama that takes away from the events concerning Sam and Freddie and does little to help any of the characters or the story. The suicide note needs to be better and far more emotional, it comes off a bit more whiny than despair. Freddie should not just be listing his problems but how they created a sunken void in his life that nothing will overcome. The letter in its current form doesn't truly express the level of absolute despair that a suicide note should have. I would avoid making it too poetic as that might come off a bit scripted an fake but you need to write as though you are trying to describe something totally indescribable, the type of bleak pain where even death may not be be enough to ease it. Freddie should also be more quiet and listless, allowing others to talk for him rather than engage the cruel world. I know my critique is a bit brutal but I wanted you to hear a more honest answer rather than say its okay for your sake. Good luck on writing this though  |
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11-05-2009, 05:44 AM
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| | Thank you very much for your critique, Wolf. I'll try my best to improve, and I might even send you a second draft of it. I should note that in the show, there are a lot of things that happen that are rather strange and abnormal though; if you watch the episodes of the actual TV show, you'll see what I mean. However, I understand everything else you said about my story, and I'll take those things into consideration. Last edited by SuperMillionaire; 11-06-2009 at 03:16 AM.. |
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11-06-2009, 03:01 AM
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| | Oh. Okay, I get it now. Yes, I am turning a very lighthearted show into a much darker, somber storyline, and I'm implementing allusions and revelations about past events that took place in the show. |
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11-15-2009, 07:23 AM
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