ice [p]

Moon Rabbits · 10-14-2009, 07:44 PM

white lines run
razor thin
precise in ice
and tiny twinkling
devilish snow

i skate the lake
wind whipped
blow up my nose
nostrils frozen
burning shut cold

my reflection
bursts forth from
beneath a frozen mirror

all sound and air
is scooped up
in a torrent
of broken ice
and gelid water

Rye · 10-14-2009, 09:54 PM

Love the first verse, and I really like the final one, but I'm not so crazy for the middle. When I read it like this, I'm in love:

white lines run
razor thin
precise in ice
and tiny twinkling
devilish snow

all sound and air
is scooped up
in a torrent
of broken ice
and gelid water

Moon Rabbits · 10-15-2009, 12:55 AM

skate the lake
wind whipped
blow up the nose
nostrils frozen
burning shut cold

white lines run
razor thin
precise in ice
and tiny twinkling
devilish snow

all sound and air
scooped up
in a torrent
of broken ice
and gelid water

revisionnnnnnn?

nik0tine · 10-21-2009, 03:57 PM

This is fantastic. Maybe change this

blow up the nose
nostrils frozen

to "blow up the nose, nostrils froze" to make it more rhyme-y?

Moon Rabbits so gangsta it hurrrrts.. Location: Caaaaaaaanada.	#1 ice [p] white lines run razor thin precise in ice and tiny twinkling devilish snow i skate the lake wind whipped blow up my nose nostrils frozen burning shut cold my reflection bursts forth from beneath a frozen mirror all sound and air is scooped up in a torrent of broken ice and gelid water
10-14-2009, 07:44 PM

Rye Recognized Member ~♥~♥~~♥~♥~ Location: I'll eat you up.	#2 (permalink) Love the first verse, and I really like the final one, but I'm not so crazy for the middle. When I read it like this, I'm in love: white lines run razor thin precise in ice and tiny twinkling devilish snow all sound and air is scooped up in a torrent of broken ice and gelid water
10-14-2009, 09:54 PM

Moon Rabbits so gangsta it hurrrrts.. Location: Caaaaaaaanada.	#3 (permalink) skate the lake wind whipped blow up the nose nostrils frozen burning shut cold white lines run razor thin precise in ice and tiny twinkling devilish snow all sound and air scooped up in a torrent of broken ice and gelid water revisionnnnnnn?
10-15-2009, 12:55 AM

nik0tine All about looking. Location: Dalmasca!	#4 (permalink) This is fantastic. Maybe change this blow up the nose nostrils frozen to "blow up the nose, nostrils froze" to make it more rhyme-y?
10-21-2009, 03:57 PM