Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > The Beggar - [p]

[Dignified Pauper]

mother doesn't recognize you -
she knows the sound of coins
clamoring about in your pocket
because each one has a precise note
and when stacked up
seem to say forty-two cents
with every step you take

the alley owns her body now
and takes it one step closer
to being just a dream
left on your pillows at home

but your name stretches
out on the alley wall by her bed
and the details of your life
are no longer secret
because once a mother
always a mother
is how that saying goes
and before you know it
she's dead

********

nik0tine and I have been going back and forth on

"because each one has a precise note"

certain? precise? specific? exact?

[Moon Rabbits]

I smurfing like. I wouldn't use specific ... exact or precise, I think.

[Dignified Pauper]

REVISION FOR SIMPLICITY AND CUTTING FAT!

I cut out a lot of unnecessary garbage and made some things more concise. Someone recommended I take out "is how that saying goes" but I just couldn't because it gives the speaker that matter of fact tone. Comments on that, or any more cuts on a whole you can provide. Thanks.

The Beggar

mother doesn't recognize you -
she knows the coins
clamoring about in your pocket
have precise notes
and when stacked up
say forty-two cents

the alley owns her body
and takes it closer
to being a dream
left on your pillows

but your name stretches
out on the alley wall
and the details of your life
are no longer secret
because once a mother
always a mother
is how that saying goes
and before you know it
she's dead

[chionos]

Originally Posted by Dignified Pauper ^

Someone recommended I take out "is how that saying goes" but I just couldn't because it gives the speaker that matter of fact tone.

I think "once a mother always a mother" is as matter-of-fact as it needs to be. As a matter of fact, the additional line's redundancy makes it sound flippant or non-committal.
I would drop about in line 3, but that might be a personal issue. Prepositions in poetry disturb me for some reason. They need to be perfect or they distract.
Your edit's certainly a step in the right direction.

[Dignified Pauper]

I think you're right about the "about" and I think that was an edit I had intended to make, and missed.

Right now, I'm working on debating if "chattering" is a better word than "clamoring"

*******REVISION STANZA 1*********

mother doesn't recognize you -
she knows the coins
chattering in your pocket
have precise notes
that when stacked up
say forty-two cents


OR?

mother doesn't recognize you -
she knows the coins
chatter in your pocket
and have precise notes
that when stacked up
say forty-two cents

OR? the original

mother doesn't recognize you -
she knows the coins
clamoring in your pocket
have precise notes
that when stacked up
say forty-two cents

OR? The original sans "-ing"

mother doesn't recognize you -
she knows the coins
clamor in your pocket
and have precise notes
that when stacked up
say forty-two cents


***********


As far as "is how that saying goes" something compels me to leave it in. I'll contact my old poetry prof, K. Fagan and ask her what she thinks too. But I'm more worried about that damn verb now.

[Moon Rabbits]

I vote "clamoring."

[chionos]

I like the sound of chattering more than clamoring, but I think clamoring better fits the meaning.

[Dignified Pauper]

I think "chatter" goes better with the word "say"

BUT

"clamor" sounds like something metal clanging together does. Although, coins don't necessarily clamor, unless you're an aunt.