 |
 |
#1  Fireworks [P] BACKGROUND: Since I haven't been here in god knows how long, here's a little background on the poem first. I took a creative writing class a year ago and we had to write a poem as one of our assignments. Although this isn't the final version, this is close to it since I can't find the file for it for some reason. My teacher liked it so much she suggested I submit it to the college for their anthology; a collection of poems, drawing and short stories. I did and it got accepted. Now I'm posting it to see what you all think of it. -------------------------------------------- Eyes fixed upon the beautiful night sky, stars gleam towards the earth. Her mouth agape by the fireworks lighting the sky, the ocean gently ripples in front of us, legs dangle off of the dampened pier. Mesmerized by her, a smile slowly creasing across my face, her head slowly fixated towards me, a mirror of my own love reflected in her. The fireworks dance off the body of water, the fireworks create songs of hope of their own. Amidst their glorious choir, her head slowly leans in towards mine, eyes occupied with tears of joy, filled with gentle dreams and adoration. The peak of the choir echoes in the air, our lips gently locked with each other, anxiety and nervousness settling in, her body trembles like a winter night as we part away. A serene and sincere smile spread across her face, her lips quiver uncontrollably as we hold each other close. |
08-10-2009, 05:17 AM
|  
|
| |
 | I think you have a good control over images but your are entirely too wordy. There is a lot that can be cut out. Always pick one adjective to describe a noun unless it's of the utmost importance to the poem to add any more. The adjective has to be perfect. Sometimes two or three can work if they are all perfectly lined up. That said, this poem is very busy as well. There is a lot going on action wise and I'd like to see some more concision with the work. You have a good control over language and you stay away from abstractions, which is refreshing to see, now you just need to work on tightening your words. Here is an example of how I'd edit a part of it: All in all, I think you have great potential. You just need to hone in and find your voice and get rid of the extra muddling it. That said, I look forward to more of your work in the future. |
|
08-11-2009, 02:11 PM
|
|
