Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [P]Shrapnel

[nik0tine]

I met a man without a face
who hid long ago
in a broken turtle shell
dark as blood but solid
green and young primordial
soup-bowl on the beach
where darker ghosts still
spill stains from his head
without a face
on a faraway beach
in a long-ago place.

[Dignified Pauper]

Originally Posted by nik0tine ^

I met a man without a face
who long ago was hiding
in a broken turtle shell
dark as blood but solid
green and young primordial
soup-bowl on the beach
where darker ghosts still
spill stains from his head
that once had a face
on some faraway beach
in a long-ago place.

I gave you my suggestion to make it more immediate via AIM, but the battle imagery is great, and reducing those stupid green helmets they had, as if they ever saved anyone from anything, to turtle shells was brilliant.

[Necronopticous]

I'm not feeling this one. Compared to your previous work this seems a bit sloppy and haphazardly ill-paced.

I'm not sure I understand the structure that you were going for. To me, this reads like a run-on sentence with repetitive clauses. Your words are interesting but they appear to be out of order, somehow.

[Depression Moon]

Originally Posted by Necronopticous ^

I'm not feeling this one. Compared to your previous work this seems a bit sloppy and haphazardly ill-paced.

I'm not sure I understand the structure that you were going for. To me, this reads like a run-on sentence with repetitive clauses. Your words are interesting but they appear to be out of order, somehow.

That's about how I feel.