Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > (p)

[themagicroundabout]

It's a bit rough. Sorta. Any advice with where to take it, where to cut bits, whether to leave it, discard it, whatever, appreciated. Thanks.

[Rye]

It was very flavorful, I liked it a lot. I've always admired people who can pull off long poems. I enjoyed the aesthetic shape to it too. Reminds me a bit of e.e. cummings.

Maybe the only thing I'd suggest is to cut a few of the bigger more unusual words - they kind of contrast with the cropped loveliness the poem has going.

My favorite part is this:

"Stars, stoic buddhas; (glowing, awake,
alone) -
branches ache; autumnal,
geriatric and naked,
leaning their narrow, byzantine bones
toward night sky.
Street lamps echo light,
add shape to shade."

You have a flair of design and interesting description.

[nik0tine]

young lovers whisper in the middle of
the oldtime night, rolling with the shape
of each other – a humming; a dirge of
heavy breathing:

The only problem I have is that I generally do not associate young lovers with a dirge. The word dirge does seem to fit with the rest of the poem, though, and since I have no idea wtf this is about I'll leave it to your discretion.

branches ache; autumnal,
geriatric and naked,
leaning their narrow, byzantine bones
toward night sky.

This is one of the best lines I've ever read in poetry.
Edit: Maybe ditch narrow?

[Dignified Pauper]

Your imagery is quite astounding. Not to mention that your vernacular is impressive too, and while, normally, I'd call you out on some of the word choices to be a flaunt and brevity, here, it just all works. The only one I question is myxomatosis.

As far as Nik's comment about Dirge. I can see both points. The dirge of heavy breathing definitely sounds like passionate slow sex than that fervor one has when in love.

I definitely agree with Nik about the branches.

You do have a lot of semi-colons, which, I don't mind, but they seem to be a little too prevalent. As Kurt Vonnegut said at a lecture I witnessed - "Semi-colons are the transgendered bastards of punctuations."

Overall, this poem is quite marvelous.

[nik0tine]

As far as Nik's comment about Dirge. I can see both points. The dirge of heavy breathing definitely sounds like passionate slow sex than that fervor one has when in love.

But a dirge is a song for the dead and sex epitomizes life.

[themagicroundabout]

Thanks for reading and all the responses. I agree with cutting the word narrow from that bit on the branches, nik. And that's quite high praise, haha, thanks.

Over the section with the dirge, the dirge belongs to the 'chorus of aged dreamers' mentioned right at the end, not the young lovers, so maybe there was a bit of confusion, I guess. In the first stanza I was layering up sounds which were unrelated to each other, but I suppose at that point it is perhaps not crystal clear.

Also got rid of a few semi-colons. I tend to overuse them, sometimes without realising.

Thanks for the time, kind words, and suggestions, though.

[I Took the Red Pill]

Sorry it took me so damn long to respond to this Curty boy, but man, this is an amazing poem. I'd venture to say that even your mentors (Ginsberg, Whitman, cummings) would be impressed with this one. The imagery is haunting and beautiful, and the word choice is impeccable.