Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Loving Another - [p]

[Dignified Pauper]

I went and pulled an orphan line and crafted a poem around it. The orphan line - a line that is a salvage from another crap poem - is the very first line in this one. Not sure how I feel about it, but it's a first draft. I sort of feel like I like the first and last lines, and everything else is just filler to get from point A to point B.

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Loving Another

I heard someone once died this way. Loving another.
The perfumed touch. Someone else wrapped in sheets.
Your body, bound by succulent pleasure, forgets it.
Someone wrote: intensity is a bitter-sweet sort of thing.
And loving someone else is the closest we get
to God - or whatever you believe in. Maybe it is death.
We're all waiting for it anyway. The release that is.
You know. Your tired body can slump
over lifelessly onto the subject of your affection.
But who cares about any of that. Someone, someday,
is going to hear you going about your love and will snicker.
Your toes will curl and you'll find yourself tagged,
staring at your eyelids and wondering where it all went.
That how it happens so fast. The love, I mean.

[Dignified Pauper]

REVISION

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Loving Another

Wrapped in sheets. The perfumed touch of pleasure.
His body forgets. He once wrote: intensity is a bitter-sweet thing.
Someday, someone will hear you going about your love
and snicker. Another will hear and curse your name.
Your body forgets the end. But who cares
when you're wrapped in sheets with a beautiful girl
you paid top price for. I heard someone once died this way.
That's how it happened so fast. The love, I mean.

[Dignified Pauper]

Newest revision


Loving Another

The perfumed touch of pleasure forgets
his body, wrapped in sheets. He once wrote:
intensity is a bitter-sweet thing.
Someone, someday, will hear your loving
and snicker. Another will curse you.
Intimacy is as private as walls allow.
But who cares, when you're wrapped in the sheets
with a beautiful young boy you paid top price for?
I heard someone once died that way.
That's how it happens so fast. The love, I mean.

[Dignified Pauper]

Complete Revision

Loving Another

The perfumed touch forgets. The bodies,
wrapped in sheets, imply intensity. Someone
snickers at those sounds. The juvenile boys
touch forgotten bodies. This is how it happens.
The boys wrap themselves in sheets. Love
is a secret the walls allow. The bodies of boys
forget the sheets. The pefumed sheets.
Juvenile boys snicker about forgotten mistakes.
They heard someone died this way.
That's how it happens so fast. The love.

[Moon Rabbits]

Honest truth: I didn't like this when it was first posted.

Honest truth: It is made of win now. The end is especially smurfing delishhhh~~. I particularly enjoy "Love is a secret the walls allow." So much good words going on here, good job.

[Dignified Pauper]

Thanks! Yeah, the first one was pretty bad. The new revision I like a lot more.

[Christmas]

Nice poem, but the title sux. Hating another sounds so much better.

[Dignified Pauper]

Thank you, Christmas.