Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > The Familiarity of Stone & Grass

[Medi]

Well, folks, the last time I posted a poem here was over a year ago (and about two years since I've posted on EoFF regularly), and it definitely wasn't a good poem. Hopefully, I'm a far better writer than before. Here it is:



The floorboards have sunk beneath
all the time lost between us,
The stars have wasted too many moments
shining without you near.

A rose may keep its name
but still lose its sweet smell.
Only the silver moon can know
the promise of tomorrow's bloom.

Let the cruel sun set and the darkness bring relief.
At times descending into a breath of sleep
is the only way to hide from the storm.
Even the sky tires of seeing the rain fall.

Show me, where are the pieces
of the child lost behind your shattered face?
Tell me, how were the fathomless
hours that have twisted you so?
Help me, if only there were a looking glass
that'd show how they've twisted me, too.

Cracked records can still spin and echo my favorite note,
this song has always been the best one.
But now that something new has taken its place,
the rest is nothing but done.

With just a low sigh the stars continue to release their light,
and the past is just a clouded mirror.
No matter how cold your hands have become through the night,
I'll always stay right here.



Critique would be super. Many thanks!

[rubah]

we have a forum for writers

[Medi]

Originally Posted by rubah ^

we have a forum for writers

Ah, crap, sorry, my head must be somewhere else at the moment. :rolleyes2

[nik0tine]

I'm no professional but that poem seems pretty fantastic to me. I have only two suggestions.

Help me, if only there were a looking glass
that'd show how they've twisted me, too.

instead of 'that'd' why not use the word 'to'? it seems more economical to me, looks better on paper, and sounds better in my opinion.

Cracked records can still spin and echo my favorite note,

I nit pick here because I am a musician only. I think something like the word 'tune' would fit better here seeing as how record players usually play more than just notes. I've also never heard of someone with a preference of one note to another but I don't get out that much either. Maybe you're a hardXcore synesthete and really do have a favorite note, though. In which case, keep it as it is. (Might I ask, though, which note that is and why?)

Again, I think this poem is nice work. Keep it up.

[Medi]

Ah, those both make perfect sense. Thanks much for the advice, little things like that make a huge difference.

Perhaps I chose 'note' to emphasize a person, period of time, or memory that was very fleeting. 'Tune' does sound much better, however. Thanks again. :]

[Momiji]

That's really good! It's brilliant.