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#1  Untitled ~ Advice Please! This is a poem I wrote a little while back, and no one seems to be able to give me any pointers on how to improve it, so I was hoping to get that here. No, no, you’re reading too much into it. I’m not some pitiful representation or benign illustration of a greater idea. It’s far more simple then that. I am Nova. I am there when your heroes fade to nothing and your gods crumble to dust. I can watch as civilizations explode with raw power and I turn out the lights when their time of supremacy has come to an end. I lurk in the background as the world moves forever onward leaving whatever you once held dear to disintegrate into dark matter as the human race’s short attention span forgets everyone eventually. Every spark of brilliance, no matter how promising, will not stand the test of time. Child genius turned college dropout; everyone has their limit. I hold the hand of every burnt out movie star as they prepare to film the last movie of their slowly dwindling careers and I cradle the bodies of all the leaders turned bandits as they slip into their drug induced deaths. I am there to comfort all the hopeful poets that can no longer find the words that used to flow from their fingers. I am the process of the rise into sweet impermanent glory and the gradual almost unnoticeable fall into the nothingness that acts as the trash can of the human conscious. Pay close attention and you will sense my cold hand as it strokes your hair and I wrap you in my cloak and you will know that I am there. The cycle is never ending, and try as you might to hack and claw your way into the illusion that is immortality I will be the one to kiss your cheek as you slowly lose your grip on your throne and relax into my waiting arms. You rest against me, weary from the fight and after that you stop struggling and realize that it’s pointless because after the monuments in your name are torn down and your accomplishments are washed from the memories of everyone who loved you, it finally sinks in. I am Nova, and I’m the only thing you have left. |
06-29-2008, 02:58 AM
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 | As for how it sounds, it sounds pretty good. However, as for the visual aesthetics-- might I suggest some more structure? What I mean is...your lines are very long, and then it seems to fall in on itself. Perhaps breaking your lines into a syllabic pattern will improve that. However, the one who makes the decisions is you. If you take every suggestion people throw at you, the work suddenly feels less like your own-- not to mention you will probably like it less. People have different opinions on what looks and sounds good, after all. If you try to take everyone's suggestions to satisfy everyone, you will end up with something that looks like nothing you wrote, and you aren't satisfying who matters most-- you, the author. Be more confident, and it will surely show. Furthermore, I have to say through experience that a Final Fantasy forum is not the best place for poetic critique. These people voted Demon Dude for best poet after all.  |
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06-29-2008, 04:43 AM
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| | I actually realized after I posted it that it would seem that way to a lot of people. It kind of plays into the whole grey area of what's spoken word, what's poetry, and what's rap. That said, it was written to be read aloud. It doesn't really hold up in written form because the entire flow of the piece is in the way I read it. |
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06-30-2008, 03:36 AM
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| | And that is completely understandable. You just asked for advice and I gave you the only thing that I saw that could be modified without changing the poem itself. |
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06-30-2008, 03:49 AM
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