Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > (poem) The Black Rose

[hplvr]

A poem I put togther in 20 minutes... Enjoy, and feel free to comment.

Black Rose
Poem by: Chase Copat


Acorss the meadows of my soul, to the forests of my screaming,
Lays a field of the dead, littered with black roses.
The roses are born, from the stains of my sorrow,
The pedals are my life, the thorns are my bleeding.


As the days pass by, and the darkness comes in,
The roses will shiver, and will shed broken tears.
As a pedal falls quickly, and burns on the ground,
I feel my life passing, burning along with them.


These roses are drained of all like completely,
They stick to my decisions, but howl in denial.
Anyone who sees them, will die of their poison,
The poison of my death, so bitter and so cold.


Among the fallen pedals there lays my dying body,
Bleeding from the cuts, so black and so torn.
My breathing is in gasps, in harmony with the roses,
Their mourning borrows mine, and kills me inside.


I yearn for their affection, in low-pitched moans,
It sounds like the devil, it feels like a deathwish.
In the hollows of my voice, I utter distant madness,
It shatters long gone love, and the pedals fall like tears.


Like voices in an opera, we sing our deathly tune,
Spreading like sickness, but providing me with life.
We will never cease to choke on the endless world around us,
I will forever breathe my stony breath, the Rose will always shiver.


~Fin~

[chionos]

Red is a corrected spelling of a word, and yellow is for words or groups of words that either don't make sense or don't sound right.

Across the meadows of my soul, to the forests of my screaming,
Lays a field of the dead, littered with black roses.
The roses are born, from the stains of my sorrow,
The petals are my life, the thorns are my bleeding.

As the days pass by, and the darkness comes in,
The roses will shiver, and will shed broken tears.
As a petal falls quickly, and burns on the ground,
I feel my life passing, burning along with them(you said "a" petal in the previous line).

These roses are drained of all like(life?) completely,
They stick to my decisions(this is just slightly confusing or misleading, maybe just b/c it seems to come out of nowhwere), but howl in denial.
Anyone who sees them(how exactly do they poison visually?), will die of their poison,
The poison of my death, so bitter and so cold.

Among the fallen petals there lays my dying body,
Bleeding from the cuts, so black and so torn.
My breathing is in gasps, in harmony with the roses,
Their mourning borrows mine, and kills me inside(how?).

I yearn for their affection, in low-pitched moans,
It sounds like the devil, it feels like a deathwish.
In the hollows of my voice, I utter distant madness,
It shatters long gone love, and the petals fall like tears.
(the preceding stanza just feels like a mess of unconnected ideas. They don't fit together at all, without further explanation)

Like voices in an opera, we sing our deathly tune,
Spreading like sickness, but providing me with life.
We will never cease to choke on the endless world around us,
I will forever breathe my stony breath, the Rose will always shiver.


Overall, the poem just doesn't make any sense, the ideas are disconnected and meaningless(at least to the reader). You forced some allusions that just don't translate to the reader as they should, and I don't mean that they're deep and profound, they're simply forced and obscure. For instance, "Like voices in an opera, we sing our deathly tune". Voices in operas can be many things, happy, sad, angry; they can be sung in groups or all alone. The only aspect of opera really that I would think gives this line any meaning is that often(though not always) the accompaniment to the heroine or hero sings polyphonally(ie. each voice has a distinct melody and text its singing), so though its usually done in such a way that you can make out much of what is being sung, its basically a wild mess of noise. SO, if you were saying that the roses are accompaniment to your lead voice, each of them with a distinct voice that blends into the mess of voices, then that's fine, EXCEPT, saying simply "like voices in opera" doesn't invoke that idea, especially for anyone who doesn't know opera, which is basically everyone. You have to be careful about allusions like that b/c it's easy to assume that everyone knows what you're thinking. I'm sure you know what you meant, but the key is ensuring that as broad an audience as possible understands it as well.