Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > happy girl (poem)

[Whiffles]

You can't get her down, you can't touch her
You say she doesn't feel but at least it doesn't hurt
She's a wildfire, she doesn't know things burn
You can't put her out, and she will never learn

You're worried sick but she's gonna be alright
She knows how to cope even she's not right
She's more like a zombie but at least she's not a ghost
Because she found happiness and that's what everyone wants most

She knows how to get her way but her emotions just aren't there
She's just working to survive. Rebellion, happiness; her air.
Consequences don't matter, she's a criminal on the run
She knows she's in pain so she ignores it by having fun

Her mind's on auto-pilot and the girl's completely numb
Don't let her actions fool you, she's not in the least bit dumb
Yet still she makes it way too easy for me to see right through
That empty mirroring shell of hers that says "I'm just like you."

[chionos]

Could you rewrite it without using second person?
Second person narratives always feel cheap to me.

Just to illustrate what I mean, the second line:
She doesn't feel a thing but at least it doesn't hurt

I think it would be much stronger with a strict 3rd person throughout, or even rework it to be 1st person, because I like the last two lines.

[Whiffles]

Actually no I can't, because when I wrote it, it wasn't directed toward the person I wrote it for. It was directed toward someone else, and in the poem I'm actually talking about her to another person.

[TonightWeFly12]

I like it, and zomg you have the same birthday as me! =]