Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Breathe [p]

[Siegfried]

I am not quite done with this one but I just wanted to know what you guys think of it thus far... thanks!

Breathe>>
He entered the foyer with his hauberk adorned
And established his path for the approaching mass.
Emotions of passion, James now started to seethe,
As his fervor increased with the time having pass.
He held his lungs tight, not thinking to breathe.
>>
“Where are you going, my young son James?”
His father questioned with a tone of contempt.
“This great sword of war you want to unsheathe
Can only bring death with valiant attempt!
Come, take a moment, relax and breathe.”
>>
“Breathe! Breathe! But how can I do so,
While others still struggle with the ongoing Crusade?
I need to go fight, to help them, to relieve
The sorrows and mourning of death on parade.
I cannot idle, I cannot hesitate, I cannot breathe!”
>>
>>
The father responded with overwhelming dismay,
“This is not the right path for your life now James!
I know you may want to fight and to believe,
But in this combat you do not reach your aims!
To breathe is to live and to live now is to breathe!”
>>
The son stood still, unmoved by the words
And responded with gravity in a voice so broad.
“That we engage in battle to rightfully retrieve
Grants us divine right from heavenly God!
It is God that gives life, not simply to breathe!”
>>
“God is not there, he does not fight
For those who die in this Crusade.
God does not grant divine reprieve
For those you brawl in this unafraid.
Show God your virtue, sit silently and breathe.”

[chionos]

It's a good start I think
There are a couple places that seem overly wordy, like "with a tone of contempt", which just doesn't quite sound right. But again, a good start. The "Breathe" motif is interesting, and it's good that you carry the idea throughout.