Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [P] Shames of Paper

[Jack]

SHAPES OF PAPER

Origami.
There I said it, I cannot do it.

Folds after fold, till dissymmetrical,
Diagrammatically perfect, vaunting
Straight edged, a square, a sharp degree.

You are not to scale,
I would rather draw you on paper.
Origami is smooth-white, a plane;
But I prefer your flaws:

The way you lay on a bed like a bear,
The way you tell (inform) me how bad I am,
The way your face is swallowed by your hair,
That moment you were sick over a lamb,
The way you yawn odd noises in sleep,
The way you make something more of a shape.

Origami lacks time, it does not age.
It does not blur.

----
Opinions?

[Momiji]

I don't know how you can totally bash my poems for empty, easy to write emotions and post this. To be totally honest, I felt nothing reading that (emotionally), although I liked the metaphors and the imagery you used, as they flow together very well. But emotionally, it seems the pot is calling the kettle black in this case.

[Jack]

Seemingly, you are driven by petty revenge. This is clear by your post. Very good.

As for your opinion, any constructive criticism? Would you have prefered it (emotionally) if I had used lines like:

"A gun to the head and a dagger to the heart
That's what I feel when we're apart"

Where the emotion is clear? Where the sledgehammer of emotion merely drives the point with so much vivacity that the whole impact is dulled?

As for emotion, I guess you're not married, or live with your significant other, cause that's what the whole idea is. That may be an emotion you have yet to experience, or indeed, one you'd understand.

[Psychotic]

Knowing you and knowing who this poem is about, it speaks to me. I really get what you're trying to say and I enjoyed it. Good work dude.

[Momiji]

Originally Posted by Jack ^

Seemingly, you are driven by petty revenge. This is clear by your post. Very good.

As for your opinion, any constructive criticism? Would you have prefered it (emotionally) if I had used lines like:

"A gun to the head and a dagger to the heart
That's what I feel when we're apart"

Where the emotion is clear? Where the sledgehammer of emotion merely drives the point with so much vivacity that the whole impact is dulled?

As for emotion, I guess you're not married, or live with your significant other, cause that's what the whole idea is. That may be an emotion you have yet to experience, or indeed, one you'd understand.

I told you already, I don't even like what I wrote back then.

And no, it isn't petty revenge, it's merely saying that I feel the same way about what you have written as you feel of mine.

Also, of course I'm not married or living with my significant other because I'm single and only 17. However, the emotion in your poem seems so ambiguous that it feels almost like it isn't there. This is probably because I have never experienced such an emotion yet, but saying that I wouldn't understand it is a bit of an understatement-- no, an insult.

[chionos]

I think I can clear up the jack vs ironicallynamedguy bickering:
You're both poetically immature and irrelevant. You both produce rather vapid poetry and you(well pp at least, I dunno about jack for certain) cannot take criticism--have no desire to grow as poets.

About your poem Jack:
there's so much you could have done with it.

SHAPES OF PAPER

Origami.
There I said it, I cannot do it.

Folds after fold, till dissymmetrical,
Diagrammatically perfect, vaunting
Straight edged, a square, a sharp degree.

I kind of expected the poem to carry throughout its process the progression of a piece of Origami. I kind of still want to see it, I think it would have added another dimension to the overall distincly original feel of the poem. In particular, these lines probably would fit better later in the evolution of the piece, like when the paper's been folded for a while, and it looks like a mess and an observer still can't see what's going to be produced. The words are technical and abrasive, should have used them just before the revelation of the finished piece at the end. Otherwise the words are somewhat out of place. Well, after a second look, I see how it might work, you're going a different direction that I was thinking, but I still think these lines, if kept at all, should be later in the poem.

You are not to scale,
I would rather draw you on paper.
Origami is smooth-white, a plane;

Are trying to be paradoxical here? If so, I don't see what you're getting at exactly. Clarify?

But I prefer your flaws:

The way you lay on a bed like a bear,

humorous

The way you tell (inform) me how bad I am,

The other descriptions of her flaws are nicely odd, almost surreal, but this one seems cliché and I don't like it.

The way your face is swallowed by your hair,
That moment you were sick over a lamb,
The way you yawn odd noises in sleep,
The way you make something more of a shape.

Origami lacks time, it does not age.
It does not blur.

It would have been cool if you could have made the lines look like a half-worked piece of origami, or a sort of geometric abstract woman or something, but maybe that's asking too much.
Overall it's good stuff I think. You often produce poems with potential but stop just short of a quality finished product. As for that, you may be a purist for all I know, and if so, I can appreciate the rawness.

[Jack]

chionos, thanks.

That's more input than my lecturer gave me, which is pretty useless considering I have to write 5000 words of poetry I like your points, which are valid. The poem needs work, I only wrote in 10 minutes, without much thought, and I liked it as it was. But my own eyes can see only so much, and I needed a non-biased look at my poetry, which is what you've offered. Some constructive criticism.

Are trying to be paradoxical here? If so, I don't see what you're getting at exactly. Clarify?

I think the initial idea was saying that paper is multi-purpose, be itr drawn on, printed on or made to form a shape. So I was saying that my fiancee is shapeless, unable to be origami. White is a pure colour, plane suggests sleekness. But she's not, she's flawed and warped and I like her for that.
If paper was a person, then she would be better drawn if anything, cause a drawing can be as abrasive and flawed as she is. But thats my idea, not necessary how it came out.

The other descriptions of her flaws are nicely odd, almost surreal, but this one seems cliché and I don't like it.

Ha, I did deliberate. In the end, I decided the cliche-ness was suggesting as "rough" and "flawed" she is. However, that was my opinion at the time. I think I need to change it, though not totally. Nice point out.

Overall it's good stuff I think. You often produce poems with potential but stop just short of a quality finished product.

Thanks, I take that as a compliment.