Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Feast your eyes, behold the truth.

[Spawn of Sephiroth]

Ok, I have posted this poem before and didn't get any input back, so I cleaned it up a bit, butchered a little and here is a final result. Please tell me what you think.

In this world there lies a disease,

it takes life from you and one you can't please.

Its bad enough to strip a man down to his tears,

ripping him apart, exposing all of his fears.



Everything about it is built up to be great,

but catching it only leaves you with a lonesome and horrible fate.

Anyone can catch it, its not that hard to find,

but watch out, catching it only leaves you with a corroted mind.



Its everywhere you look, its everywhere you turn,

don't let it trick you, its presence you'll always yearn.

At first it feels sweet, you think things are meant to be,

but it only fogs up your mind, so the truth you can't see.



You think you can trust it, so you let your guard down,

but then you can't get back on track, or get turned around.

You then realize it is the disease with no cure,

it feels like death soon awaits you, and that you know for sure.



If you catch it once, you can't leave it behind,

everything you worked for is left in the sands of time.

You wonder why this is happening to me?

Why can't it be great, or atleast meant to be?



You cry, scream and yell out loud,

then your confidence is broken, and you are no longer proud.

This life just don't seem to be worth it, so you turn to the dark,

can't anything go right, rekindle or spark?



The pain from this you will never shake,

you begin to wonder, just how much can I take?

The stress on my shoulders is a bomb waiting to explode,

the pain and lies make my wrath unload.



You want this pain to leave, but then you are soon alone,

then BAM, right in front of you, your life begins to unfold.

[chionos]

There's not really anything poetic about it. It rhymes, but the rhymes are simplistic and brittle. Often though, even generic rhymes can work if the lines have good rhythm, but your lines don't have that necessary smooth and natural rhythm. Furthermore, whatever idea it is you are trying to express never comes across to the reader.

8 In this world there lies a disease,
10 it takes life from you and one you can't please.
12 Its bad enough to strip a man down to his tears,
12 ripping him apart, exposing all of his fears.

12 Everything about it is built up to be great,
17 but catching it only leaves you with a lonesome and horrible fate.
12 Anyone can catch it, its not that hard to find,
16 but watch out, catching it only leaves you with a corroted mind.

12 Its everywhere you look, its everywhere you turn,
12 don't let it trick you, its presence you'll always yearn.
12 At first it feels sweet, you think things are meant to be,
14 but it only fogs up your mind, so the truth you can't see.

12 You think you can trust it, so you let your guard down,
13 but then you can't get back on track, or get turned around.
12 You then realize it is the disease with no cure,
14 it feels like death soon awaits you, and that you know for sure.

11 If you catch it once, you can't leave it behind,
14 everything you worked for is left in the sands of time.
11 You wonder why this is happening to me?
11 Why can't it be great, or atleast meant to be?

7 You cry, scream and yell out loud,
15 then your confidence is broken, and you are no longer proud.
15 This life just don't seem to be worth it, so you turn to the dark,
11 can't anything go right, rekindle or spark?

9 The pain from this you will never shake,
12 you begin to wonder, just how much can I take?
14 The stress on my shoulders is a bomb waiting to explode,
9 the pain and lies make my wrath unload.

13 You want this pain to leave, but then you are soon alone,
14 Then BAM, right in front of you, your life begins to unfold.

No two stanzas have the same setup, and there's no cohesion in any one stanza. The closest would be probably stanzas 2 and 4,
[12,17,12,16] & [12,13,12,14] respectively.

There are also some grammar mistakes:
This life just don't seem worth it...
should be:
This life just doesn't seem worth it...

also, by corroted you mean corroded, which by the way probably isn't the best word choice. There are other words and phrases as well that poorly express what you're trying to convey:
e.g.
lies a disease

it takes life from you and one you can't please

built up to be great

lonesome

catching it only leaves you
especially since you repeat it

you wonder why this is happening to me
would be better as
you wonder why is this happening to me
maybe even italicize why is this happening to me in the poem

why can't it be great, or at least meant to be

make my wrath unload

Read it out loud and you'll probably notice many of these things for yourself.

[Spawn of Sephiroth]

I'll keep all of that in mind. When I wrote it, I just went free style and wasn't looking for similarities in it. Some time, I will get around to fixing it more and hopefully making it better.