Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > A short excerpt from my story (aka, a place for me to show off)

[tidus_rox]

14 years old here. Not to brag, but I think I'm pretty darn good. So far, the story is 30 pages typed. This is an excerpt from Chapter 4: First Encounter

It reclined itself with its elbows. His veins began to rise from his sweaty arms. The tips of his fingers now dug into the ground, with sharp nails protruding from the tips. Black eyes now were concave in its head, dripping a sickening green liquid. He wiped it clean with the back of his hand then licked it with his tongue. The tongue was covered with warts which produced a white, puss-like liquid. Small cuts began to form throughout its body, revealing rough, green skin under the smooth, human flesh. Now it stood, with its fingers spread as wide as they could. The incisions became larger and larger until all of the skin disintegrated. A growl came from deep within its throat while a snout began to form on its face. It brought it claws up to his head, screaming in pain as its face elongated more and more. It kept its red eyes on Ryko, making sure that she did not make a sudden move. The two circular blades still lay on the ground, waiting to be used by their real master. Besides its deep breathing, the Shafter was still.

[Goldenboko]

I-I don't really know what I'm suppose to be getting out of that excerpt. Especially because of the odd spot you've put us in, I have no idea whats going on

If you're saying I'm suppose to be reading something written exceedingly well then I can't really admit that. The details are okay but nothing mindblowing. I prefer Dynast's details over yours because yours almost seem to get in the way. You're so busy describing this scene we've been thrown into we almost have no idea whats actually happening (it kinda sounds funny but thats what its like).

EDIT: Also the attitude you came here with really sucks. Have you read anyone else's work? You just barged in here declaring you're better then all of us, and we should be marveled at a poorly chosen excerpt. Next time know other peoples talent before declaring yourself better and saying you're showing off. I don't care if you said "not to brag" that was a lousy attempt to try and hide the fact your trying to.

[Hazzard]

Brudda...you should of provided a more adequate piece, perhaps an introduction, ya know?

[Demon Dude]

It was good but ...well not really perfect.

The detail was brilliant but sometimes it would build up then fall down again for instance.

It brought it claws up to his head, screaming in pain as its face elongated more and more. It kept its red eyes on Ryko, making sure that she did not make a sudden move.

There is a lot of that where you don't connect very well, you used "it" a lot when connecting the sentances.

That was just an example I mean it was very good But it's not good enough to support that kind of cockiness I got bored in the middle to be honest.

[Odaisé Gaelach]

Pretty good for a first draft (I assume), but not perfect. Frankly it'd have more of an impact if we had read the other three chapters. At least your grammar was perfect.

Still, you used "tips" twice in the same sentence, that jarred with me. The creature (a Shafter?) doesn't need puss on its tongue too, does it? Finally, during the transformation the creature brings its claws to its face, screaming in pain, all the while watching Ryko - it's in obvious distress but is calm enough to watch Ryko. That doesn't make sense.

[Renmiri]

I think what they mean is that one paragraph is too short to judge a story.

It creeped me out and made me want to run for mommy though. It would be a good paragraph in a thriller or horror tale.

[Demon Dude]

What we need to read is a part of the story where action is happening that may sway my opinion.

[tidus_rox]

Lol yeah. I dont know why I was so cocky about it. Infact, that's not even a good part. I just thought it would be cool to show a little something from my story. Again, sorry about the cockiness. And to Odaise, he was keeping his eyes on Ryko while in pain only because she had a weapon that he really, really wanted. He didn't want her to run away with it. See, like you guys said, you need to hear more of the story to get whats goin on. I would post the first chapter, however the second draft is nowhere to be found, and the first one is absolutly terrible. If you WANT to read the first four chapters I will gladly post them, however just remember, as your reading the first one thinking "how am I going to get through this" just keep in mind that it gets better in the second chapter. So you want to read it?