Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Kingdom Hearts Interactive Story

[The_White_Wizard_of_Fynn]

Originally Posted by Goldenboko ^

Here's an idea, why don't you update the original posts so you can discuss the story and people don't have to swim through the thread to find things? If you don't discuss the story like you have been people won't be able to contribute like I am right now.

Here's going to be my critique it'll probably have more bad then good to say, but thats just how I work, I try to use constructive criticism to improve others writing. I will be continually updating my review as I read more and more into the story.

Review: Now that its finally in a text document I can actually read the thing over. You all have made a decent amount of progress thus far so I plan to read it piece by piece.

I've finished the first segment where she is at the platforms and it felt... rushed. There was little description in her surroundings, or on the large "beast" she faces. In fact when she faces the beast you have no idea what it looks like, how big it is, or where it is, you just say its... there. You seem to be taking advantage of the fact most people that will be reading this have played Kingdom Hearts. I hope as I read this will not be a recurring mistake. Also from what I've read its missing a... flow. The story leaps from one place to another with little transition. One second she's taking on a terrible beast, the next she's knocked out at her home, the next she's taking on the beast again. It just feels like your being thrown into situations and as a writer or a reader its not what you want.

I think the Chocobo has a point. We could try to edit the first part, 'cause it seemed odd to me as well. Any volunteers?

[Clawsze]

I made the Ninja the Editor

[CelestialStarDust]

so then theres no need for volunteering.alright then.What we can do is try and make the story more flowing now,so we dont have to edit later.The beginning was a little...rushed,though.And we kept playing jeopardy.

[The_White_Wizard_of_Fynn]

What's keeping the Hazzard-kid? THE STORY IS LOSING ITS FLOW!!!

[Brennan]

Originally Posted by The_White_Wizard_of_Fynn ^

THE STORY IS LOSING ITS FLOW!!!

Yes it is.

[Goldenboko]

Great guys just start doing the thing that got your last thread closed.

[Hazzard]

Lilo furiously bashed against the glass window chamber she was secluded inside, and desperately screamed out "Help", knowing that Stitch had probably came to save her judging by the walls breaking apart around her, and the hearing of battle which seemed to of been waged earlier. Lilo gasped for breath, and then hastily resumed her cries for help.

Stitch charged down the hallways, and manically rushed into each room he passed, having a brief scan for Lilo's whereabouts; but with no luck he steamed back out and didn't wait for Clara and the gang, as they jogged in follow of him. Stitch paused in his tracks, and his alienated ears seemed to of twitched in several directions, and had caught sound of something, maybe Lilo? He ran in the correct direction, and stormed into the circular room where he had heard the noise, to his happiness, he was reunited with the caged up Lilo. "Stitch...!" yelled Lilo, as she jumped with joy at his heroic arrival. Clara and the gang had finally reached where Stitch had run off to, and smiled as they saw that he had recovered Lilo, safe and sound. They just needed to release her now.

Zell tensed up his muscles, and grinned arrogantly. "Lemme take care of this..." He sped towards the window chamber and unleashed a flying leg keep at the window, breaking it into little parts of glass, and releasing Lilo. Zell waited for appraisal, but unfortunately wasn't noticed as the group rejoiced and headed back to Lilo's home.

(Alright, now someone just needs to write the ending chapter and we're off)

[Clawsze]

After a small celebration, Clara, Vivi and Zell were getting ready to set out again, they had recieved several gifts from Lilo's "Uncle" Jumba.
Vivi was given a rod which looked a lot like a mace, except insead of a mace head, their was a strange glowing orb. Jumba had described it having "electronic capabilities".
Zell was given an attachment for his gloves, which seemed to allow a small Electro-Magnetic Pulse(EMP) to be released when it made impact.
Clara was give a small pod with the number 000 on it.
"You cn attach it to that weapon of yours I believe" Jumba said as he handed it to Clara, also handing a small device, like a frisbee.
"If you need 626's help, just press this button here," He pointed to a large green button"and he will teleport to you, but don't use it too much, it can only be usd certain number of times, yes?"
"Thanks, man," Zell shouted as he ran to the ship, before stopping and shouting to Vivi and Clara, while punching his palm with his fist"Come on let's-Arrghhh!!" As Zell hit his palm, the EMP pulse went through his arm and sent a large twitch through it, making him punch his face.
"Don't hit your self, idiot" Vivi laughed as he passed the now sprawled Zell, not noticing the out-stretched leg which was aiming for his own.
"Woah....ooowww"
"Nice faceplant, little-man!" Zell said, standing up and running towards the ship, where Clara had been sitting next to after, laughing at the childish anticts of the two boys.
"After you two stop trying to kill eachother, where should we go next?" She said, helping Vivi up.
"I don't know, what about one of those other 2 worlds we saw before?" Vivi said, dusting the sand off himself.
"Yeah, but which one?"

As they discussed their options, they never noticed a certain Black Cloaked character, fade into a portal, seemingly afraid of what his leader might do to him when he learned of the failure.....


So, which world should they go to people!
A. The New World(Pochohontas)
B. The Planet(FF7:AC)