Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > To ___ Wherever You May Be... (Monologue or Short story)

[Wolf Kanno]

It's funny how you never realize what's important to you until it's gone. You've been away for only a few weeks now and yet it feels like an eternity. I know we never really understood each other very well. We came from such different ways of life but I hope that you may be able to understand me a little better if only just a little from this.

I remember when we used to argue about how we couldn't communicate with each other and how we need to express ourselves truthfully. I thought I did but alas it was to no avail. Not that you were any better. You always took me so seriously. I say things I don't necessarily mean and I thought my actions proved that; but perhaps it only confused you more. Perhaps we are just too different...

**************************************** ***

So we'll argue and we'll compromise
And realize that nothing's ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our separate conclusions are the same
Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
And reason coexist with our insanity
And though we choose between reality and madness
It's either sadness or euphoria
~ Billy Joel "Summer Highland Falls"

**************************************** *********
Remember the time I asked you what you thought of yourself? You thought highly of yourself and I was so happy. You had such a rough life compared to me and yet you were able to walk away from it a better person. I think it was that strength of character that attracted me. I also remember when you turned the question back on me...

I have not loved myself in such a long time. I really hated myself back then. I had done nothing with my life and I was just so angry at everything. Sure the world doesn't work the way I wanted but when does it? I think I hated myself cause deep down I know what I was truly capable of...

I remember you breaking down and crying in the parking lot. I didn't understand at the time why it made you so sad. To be loved by someone who hates himself. Then I'm reminded that you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself. Maybe I contemplate things too much. I'm too introspective at times but you were always there to break me out of my shell. You were truly my "angel of mercy".


**************************************** *********
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we’re gray and old
’cos I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I’m lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
~ Robbie Williams "Angels"

****************************************


Sometimes I come home and wait for you to call,or perhaps to just come over and give me a hug. But I need to snap out of it. I know there is no going back now and that I need to look ahead now. Dave and Rebecca broke up, Edgar is still melancholy as usual though I'm certain you speak to him more than me these days. I've been gone awhile now and sometimes wonder if you miss me as well. I remember when we first broke up, you were so confused by how well I took it. Perhaps I was just in shock.

If you are wondering, I'm doing okay. Got a new job, a new place, and a new outlook on everything. I had to walk away from everything but finally I think I'm starting to find some semblance of normalcy in my life. How are you doing? Have you reached a level of stability yet? Did this hurt you as much as me? Am I the only one crying?

**************************************** *****

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
~ Duran Duran "Ordinary World"

**************************************** *********

I wonder who you think about more often... Him or me. Of course I know you think about him more. He was the love of your life, the love that destroyed you and made you spiral down your darkest days. Until now I couldn't understand how you could love someone who so utterly destroyed you but I think I understand now. It's a funny coincedence to be placed into the same situation twice except on both sides of it. I wonder what will happen when I'm placed into a relationship where my partner loves me more than I do for them?

This is of course assuming I ever get over this. I know I shouldn't have said that actually; but you should be able to empathsize with me on this. You've been down this road as well and if I were to use you as an example, I don't think I'll be able to get over you. Not for many years. I know you didn't want that. I know I placed too high of expectations on you. I wanted you to be my everything and that's a difficult role to place anyone into. I wonder if you felt threatened or suffocated? I remember when you told me that my passion was overwhelming...


**************************************** *********

Does he make you high, does he make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you; your universe is full
but in my world…

You make me high! You make me real!
You make me cry! Now you know the way I feel
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you...
~ SR-71 "My World"

**************************************** *********
I still don't understand why it ended. You've tried to explain it so much but I can't bring myself to listen. Perhaps cause I fear the worst. I told you I was a pessimist... You're were always so serious about things like that. It made me laugh half the time. I've resisted this long enough. I think I need to realize that it's finally over. I think about the good ol' days and think maybe there is a chance but I should know better by now. It's difficult to remember the bad times when you blind yourself with desperation. So maybe I'll just come out and say how I really feel and get it over with.

**************************************** ****
Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry
~ No Doubt "Don't Speak"

**************************************** *********

I loved you. You were everything to me. I need you still. I can feel you next to me. I remember your touch, your lips, your very presence. I can't go to the old places anymore. I can feel your presence and I swear I see you from time to time though I know it's just my mind playing with me. This obsession is why I left. I didn't want you to see me like this, you saw enough of it.

I'm going to walk away from that part of my life and move on. This message is the last part of my plan. Just one final thing to say before I disappear from you once and for all. I'm so childish, I don't get my way so now I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want you to be sad. I'm searching for my own way of life now. I'm going to keep going ahead but for one moment I wish to address the ghosts of my past.

**************************************** *********

I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will always miss you

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted (By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted (By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
~ Poe "Haunted"

**************************************** ***

I admired you. You were everything I wanted to be. You were honest, self confident, compassionate, and most of all free.

I want to be free as well, I never wanted to be bound by anything let alone love. Everyone loves you and you make friends with anyone. You were so open and willing to be hurt by anyone... unlike me. I'm always afraid to come out and be vulnerable like that. I used to think that stand offish behaviour protected me and gave me some sense of control but after being with you... I realize that I was just running away and proving how weak I really am. True strength is the willingness to open up and be hurt by others. To accept that pain anf forgive and forget.

I don't think it will be easy but I hope to strive to that goal. I want to escape and be free from the prison I created for myself.

**************************************** ***

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
~ Evanescence "My Immortal"

**************************************** *********

Were you bothered by my way of doing things? Maybe you didn't think I was serious about our relationship cause I only showed my feelings in private. I just don't like PDA, it gets mushy and awkward. I've always been private and I hoped you knew that. I at least made up for it when we were in private.

Remember when we were beneath the tree watching the sunset? I wanted that moment to last forever. You know... it was at that moment I realized I loved you. It was only later I would learn to regret telling you. But if I could do it over again. I wouldn't change anything.


**************************************** *********
Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down
Theres no one here
(theres no one here, theres no one in the crowd)
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when theres no one around (no one around)
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
(one lonely star you dont know who you are)
~ Madonna "Take a Bow"

**************************************** ****

How is work going for you? Do you like your job now? I like my new job but it unnerves everyone that I don't care for money. Then again it was never that important to me to begin with. I'm very different at this job than the one we met. I don't know why either. Maybe cause I enjoy it so much I'm actually more careful about what I say or do.

That doesn't sound like me at all does it. But you would be surprised. I seem to change all the time. The person I was before I met you was quite different from the person I was when we actually dated. Yes, I am quite different now than I was when we first broke up as well. Always changing and always moving forward.

**************************************** ****
Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony that's life...
Try to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die.
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down...
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah.>>
No change, I can change, I can change, I can change,
but I'm here in my mould, I am here in my mould.
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...
I can't change my mould, no, no, no, no, no, no
~ The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony"

**************************************** ***************************

I'm sorry. For everything I put you through. I know I didn't take things as well as either of us would like but I feel terrible about it. It all seems like a dream now but before I say anything more I wanted to say I was sorry. I know you'll say you'll forgive me and just smile, but I think I'm still waiting to forgive myself. Perhaps I should focus on that as I move on.

**************************************** ***************************

In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
~ Moby "Porcelain"

**************************************** ***********
Thank you for everything you did for me. I'm not sure how much of an impact I had on your life but you greatly changed me and now I'm starting to work on being a better person. I'm finding my own way now and I'm going to continue on. I'm going to control my life and make the most of it. I'll fulfill those dreams I old you those many long nights and I'll continue to keep my passion alive. Thank you and goodbye...

**************************************** ***********

So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
~ Jimmy Eat World "Hear You Me"

**************************************** ***********