Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [s]Shades of Life

[Goldenboko]

Alright this is going to be my first story that I'm writing just for you guys EoFF! Please if you read the whole thing, I'd love opinions, I'll post it in Chapters, and those Chapters will be attached. I kind of hurried to get the prologue done for you guys so maybe you guys could tell me typos, I might come back and edit the Prologue up more. For now on all chapters posted on EoFF have censored text (Mainly because Cortez has a potty mouth) But the attached documents are going to be uncensored...

Attention: I actually just found out recently that people actually have read this! I though all the views where like bots or something xD If you read, post something, anything, it makes me feel good. Thanks ~GB

Shades of Life
Prologue:
The sun had risen to the middle of the sky before Akio had awoken. He was lying on the grass outside of Master Palvos’s cottage, still wet from the morning dew. His body was not used to such lazy behavior, and he couldn’t shake off the urge to rise and do something productive, but Akio would not allow himself to miss out on the one time he was actually instructed to do nothing. He sat there longer, and thought… “Why would Master Palvo have to leave for an entire day? Could it be my training is over?” Akio shook his head, his Master was far too protective to allow his training to be over at 16, no matter what the student wanted. Although, he did wish he could be done with his training and begin service in the military, fighting the Shades and the Grippan Empire, where he belonged.
Akio began to become away of his surroundings, leaving his world of thought, and he started to hear a clopping of Horse hoofs. He sprang up, dove for his sword, and snuck behind the nearest tree, his constant paranoia of a Grippan attack kicking in. He peaked through the swaying branches to see who was riding the horse, he spied upon a bald man, with a graying blond beard... Master Palvo. Akio relaxed himself, and came out from behind the tree. Master Palvo looked displeased, and seemed to be mumbling to himself, something Akio had never seen him do before. Palvo dismounted from his horse and began to amble, up the hill toward Akio.
“It seems I am no longer allowed to decide how you to be trained,” Palvo yelled up to him, his voice booming, echoing through the empty countryside. Palvo’s voice was always like that, unfaltering; it made him seem untouchable… But what he said bothered Akio, what did he mean? “The military has decided that I must give you my final test now, that I must stop stalling.”
“So, you have been holding me back?” Akio exclaimed, he couldn’t help but blurt out.
“Akio, you’re a bright boy, surly you’ve noticed that you could’ve been graduated by now,” Palvo retorted. Akio frowned, angry at himself for his lack of self-control.
“So what is this test? I’ve just realize that you have never told me what the final test is,” Akio explained.
“Ah yes, I couldn’t explain it beforehand, if I did the test wouldn’t be nearly as effective.” Palvo started, and put his hand on his sword. “You must kill me!” he bellowed and withdrew his sword, pointing the tip toward Akio. Akio was stunned, and he tried to form a sentence but only managed to stutter. “Akio, why is your spirit to go to war so strong? I’ve trained you hard, held you back I’ve tried everything, but yet you still are so set on joining the military. Luckily they don’t know what I’m doing here, after this you won’t join them, and if you do, at least I won’t be around to have to watch you.” Palvo thought. “This is a fight to the death, only after killing me, can you be a soldier, only after killing me, can you leave this place, and only after killing me may you seek revenge!” Palvo finished his speech and ran toward Akio, making it clear this was going to be a fight to the death.
Instinctively Akio drew his sword, but his mind failed to comply with his instincts. After being attacked by Shades as a child, he had been left with no memory, Palvo became his substitute father, how could he force himself to fight back? Palvo slashed his sword toward Akio’s neck, Akio threw his sword in the way to block the slash, and the clang of the metal knocked Akio to the side. Palvo shifted his hands and pushed his blade down at Akio; Akio tried to move away from Palvo’s cut but to no avail, the sword managed to cut into the upper half of Akio’s left shoulder.
Akio managed to keep himself from yelling in pain, he clutched his sword, he had no choice but to fight back now. Palvo was charging toward him again, this time Akio was ready, he waited for Palvo to swing his sword, and countered by slashing at the handle, knocking the sword straight out of Palvo’s hand. Akio now thinking he had Palvo unarmed reared back to put in a strong slash, but Palvo had tricked him he snatched a dagger out of his back pocket and managed to slice at Akio’s ribs while running by him.
Akio began to pant; Palvo’s strike was causing a lot of pain, but he now had an advantage on Palvo, Akio’s sword vs. Palvo’s small dagger. This didn’t phase Palvo.
Palvo shaped his hands in a sign, with the thumbs touching each other and the other fingers pointing outward. “Bird,” he began, and moves his hands into a new sign, this time with his palms together and fingers outstretched, “Lighting Shot!” he yelled finishing his chant, his hands began to glow blue, and suddenly a ball of lightning shot out of his fingertips and grew as it rocketed toward Akio. Akio focused his mana on his hands hoping it would protect him from the Lightning traveling down the Sword and into his hands, and body. He moved the sword to the spot the lightning ball was racing toward him and braced himself. The lightning slammed into his sword, the mana around his hands had done the trick but not well enough his hands felt numb, and heavy.
Palvo meanwhile prepared a second Lightning Shot, and aimed for the kill. Akio knew he had to stop this attack somehow, he would not be able to withstand another hit from that attack again. Akio pressed his middle fingers, and pointer fingers together, “Horse!” he yelled starting his chant, then he balled his hands into fists and smacked them together. “Time to complete this spell,” Akio thought, and he rubbed the knuckles on his hands together. A spark of mana flew off his knuckles this spark turned into a small fireball, “SPONTANOUS COMBUSTION!” Akio yelled, and at that moment the small fireball blew up and hurdled itself toward Palvo. Palvo was stunned that Akio had mastered such a skill, he couldn’t move, he was engulfed in the fire.
Palvo was lucky, his mastery of mana had saved his body, but his internal organs didn’t fair well against the heat. He was breathing very heavily, but Palvo was a warrior to the end he ran toward Akio dagger drawn. Akio shoved his Sword through Palvo’s stomach.
“Well done, it seems you’ve surpassed even me,” Palvo gasped out with the last of his breath. His body grew cold, but Palvo’s warm blood was all over Akio. Akio shuddered and pushed Palvo’s body off of him.
“I… I’ve killed him…. I killed him!” Akio cried, and threw himself on Palvo’s body crying, shaking, and trying to beg for some kind of forgiveness from the dead body. The rigimortis began to set in, making holding Palvo become so unnatural for Akio... Akio understood the message Palvo was giving him even in his misery, war isn’t a game, war isn’t enjoyable, when you kill someone, your killing someone’s loved one, your committing a crime which can not be atoned…


PS- You can't tell from the Prologue but this is going to be the first time I try and make a love story very important, so really, I'd love feedback.

[Leen-Leen]

I've already somewhat told you what I think about the story, dan-dan!! It's awesomeness!! Yeah, it'd be interesting to know what Palvo and Akio look like, but I'm thinking that you're going to explain that more in later chapters??

Anyways, great story, it kept me interested all the way until the end.

[Evastio]

It's really great. I really liked how you wrote a lot about the characters emotions and how you put so much detail into the story. I especially liked the last part and how you showed what he was thinking without him actually saying it out loud or in his mind.

[Jessweeee♪]

Awesome story
I can't wait to read more

[BizarroSephiroth]

That was so massively awesome it deserved a giant smiley!








READ MY POEMS!

[NeoCracker]

It good, however its a bit strange. Why exactly is the test a fight to the death to join the Military? I really hope that gets explained, cause thats a bit odd.

[Goldenboko]

Originally Posted by NeoCracker ^

It good, however its a bit strange. Why exactly is the test a fight to the death to join the Military? I really hope that gets explained, cause thats a bit odd.

That will be explained. And perhaps I didn't make it clear that Palvo is not part of the Military, he was training him, and after rereading my draft I've notice... I LEFT OUT A PART! Let me find my original file, so I may plug it back it, it will answer your question perfectly.

[PuPu]

Not bad. The part of the student having to kill his teacher was partly interesting.

Here are some mistakes I've noticed that I will point out, if you are interested.

Originally Posted by Goldenboko ^

Alright this is going to be my first story that I'm writing just for you guys EoFF! Please if you read the whole thing, I'd love opinions, I'll post it in Chapters, and those Chapters will be attached. I kind of hurried to get the prologue done for you guys so maybe you guys could tell me typos, I might come back and edit the Prologue up more.


Shades of Life
Prologue:
The sun had risen to the middle of the sky before Akio had awoken. He was lying on the grass outside of Master Palvos’s cottage, still wet from the morning dew. His body was not used to such lazy behavior, and he couldn’t shake off the urge to rise and do something productive, but Akio would not allow himself to miss out on the one time he was actually instructed to do nothing. He sat there longer, and thought… “Why would Master Palvo have to leave for an entire day? Could it be my training is over?” Akio shook his head, his Master was far too protective to allow his training to be over at 16, no matter what the student wanted. Although, he did wish he could be done with his training and begin service in the military, fighting the Shades and the Grippan Empire, where he belonged.
Akio began to become away of his surroundings, leaving his world of thought, and he started to hear a clopping of Horse hoofs. He sprang up, dove for his sword, and snuck behind the nearest tree, his constant paranoia of a Grippan attack kicking in. He peaked through the swaying branches to see who was riding the horse, he spied upon a bald man, with a graying blond beard... Master Palvo. Akio relaxed himself, and came out from behind the tree. Master Palvo looked displeased, and seemed to be mumbling to himself, something Akio had never seen him do before. Palvo dismounted from his horse and began to amble, up the hill toward Akio.
“It seems I am no longer allowed to decide how you to be trained,” Palvo yelled up to him, his voice booming, echoing through the empty countryside. Palvo’s voice was always like that, unfaltering; it made him seem untouchable… But what he said bothered Akio, what did he mean? “The military has decided that I must give you my final test now, that I must stop stalling.”
“So, you have been holding me back?” Akio exclaimed, he couldn’t help but blurt out.
“Akio, you’re a bright boy, surly you’ve noticed that you could’ve been graduated by now,” Palvo retorted. Akio frowned, angry at himself for his lack of self-control.
“So what is this test? I’ve just realize that you have never told me what the final test is,” Akio explained.
“Ah yes, I couldn’t explain it beforehand, if I did the test wouldn’t be nearly as effective.” Palvo started, and put his hand on his sword. “You must kill me!” he bellowed and withdrew his sword, pointing the tip toward Akio. Akio was stunned, and he tried to form a sentence but only managed to stutter. “This is a fight to the death, only after killing me, can you be a soldier, only after killing me, can you leave this place, and only after killing me may you seek revenge!” Palvo finished his speech and ran toward Akio, making it clear this was going to be a fight to the death.
Instinctively Akio drew his sword, but his mind failed to comply with his instincts. After being attacked by Shades as a child, he had been left with no memory, Palvo became his substitute father, how could he force himself to fight back? Palvo slashed his sword toward Akio’s neck, Akio threw his sword in the way to block the slash, and the clang of the metal knocked Akio to the side. Palvo shifted his hands and pushed his blade down at Akio; Akio tried to move away from Palvo’s cut but to no avail, the sword managed to cut into the upper half of Akio’s left shoulder.
Akio managed to keep himself from yelling in pain, he clutched his sword, he had no choice but to fight back now. Palvo was charging toward him again, this time Akio was ready, he waited for Palvo to swing his sword, and countered by slashing at the handle, knocking the sword straight out of Palvo’s hand. Akio now thinking he had Palvo unarmed reared back to put in a strong slash, but Palvo had tricked him he snatched a dagger out of his back pocket and managed to slice at Akio’s ribs while running by him.
Akio began to pant; Palvo’s strike was causing a lot of pain, but he now had an advantage on Palvo, Akio’s sword vs. Palvo’s small dagger. This didn’t phase Palvo.
Palvo shaped his hands in a sign, with the thumbs touching each other and the other fingers pointing outward. “Bird,” he began, and moves his hands into a new sign, this time with his palms together and fingers outstretched, “Lighting Shot!” he yelled finishing his chant, his hands began to glow blue, and suddenly a ball of lightning shot out of his fingertips and grew as it rocketed toward Akio. Akio focused his mana on his hands hoping it would protect him from the Lightning traveling down the Sword and into his hands, and body. He moved the sword to the spot the lightning ball was racing toward him and braced himself. The lightning slammed into his sword, the mana around his hands had done the trick but not well enough his hands felt numb, and heavy.
Palvo meanwhile prepared a second Lightning Shot, and aimed for the kill. Akio knew he had to stop this attack somehow, he would not be able to withstand another hit from that attack again. Akio pressed his middle fingers, and pointer fingers together, “Horse!” he yelled starting his chant, then he balled his hands into fists and smacked them together. “Time to complete this spell,” Akio thought, and he rubbed the knuckles on his hands together. A spark of mana flew off his knuckles this spark turned into a small fireball, “SPONTANOUS COMBUSTION!” Akio yelled, and at that moment the small fireball blew up and hurdled itself toward Palvo. Palvo was stunned that Akio had mastered such a skill, he couldn’t move, he was engulfed in the fire.
Palvo was lucky, his mastery of mana had saved his body, but his internal organs didn’t fair well against the heat. He was breathing very heavily, but Palvo was a warrior to the end he ran toward Akio dagger drawn. Akio shoved his Sword through Palvo’s stomach.
“Well done, it seems you’ve surpassed even me,” Palvo gasped out with the last of his breath. His body grew cold, but Palvo’s warm blood was all over Akio. Akio shuddered and pushed Palvo’s body off of him.
“I… I’ve killed him…. I killed him!” Akio cried, and threw himself on Palvo’s body crying, shaking, and trying to beg for some kind of forgiveness from the dead body. The rigimortis began to set in, making holding Palvo become so unnatural for Akio... Akio understood the message Palvo was giving him even in his misery, war isn’t a game, war isn’t enjoyable, when you kill someone, your killing someone’s loved one, your committing a crime which can not be atoned…


PS- You can't tell from the Prologue but this is going to be the first time I try and make a love story very important, so really, I'd love feedback.

, b

Change the comma to a period and capitalize the "b," because it seems like a run-on sentence.

…

Change it to a colon.

,

Change is to a semicolon.

away

I think you meant to say "aware of his surroundings."

H

The "h" in "horse" is not supposed to be capitalized.

, his constant paranoia of a Grippan attack kicking in

This part doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence. You should put the word "with" after the comma, or make it another sentence by saying something like "His constant paranoia of a Grippan attack was kicking in."

...horse, he...

Change the comma to a semicolon.

...amble, up...

I don't think there needs to be a comma here. This is just a guess though.

how you to be trained

"How you are to be trained," perhaps?

...booming, echoing...

I think it would sound better if you replace the comma with the word "and."

...Akio, what...

Once again, change the comma to a semicolon.

Akio exclaimed, he couldn’t help but blurt out.

This part doesn't sound right to me, but I don't know how to fix it to suit your expectations. Just work on fixing this part if you can.

surly

Was it supposed to be "surely?"

realize

Realized.

, if I did

Change the comma to a semicolon, and add a comma after the "if I did" phrase.

Instinctively

Put a comma after this word.

...memory, Palvo...

Change this comma to a period.

...father, how...

Change this comma to a semicolon.

...neck, Akio...

Change this comma to a semicolon.

...Akio; Akio...

Change this semicolon to a period.

...avail, the...

Change this comma to a semicolon.

...pain, he...

Replace the comma with the word "and."

...sword, he...

Change this comma to a semicolon.

OMG...I've only read half of the whole thing and I can hardly take it anymore.
I'll look for some more mistakes later. Right now, here's everything I've got.

And Boko...try not to make so many run-on sentences next time.