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#33  Oh, just one more thing; You tend to write names alot in this....Akio this and Akio that. If you could replce names with something else it might improve it. Reading Akio 5 times in as many sentences isn't great. I hope I help by pointing these things out. I'm a big fan of sci-fi books, I actually hope to write one myself, I just need some inspiration. Ian Irvine has a great writing style, if you haven't already, you should read his books, it'll give you a good idea of how to go about writing a really good story  Smile and Be happy  |
07-11-2007, 10:01 PM
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| Banned  | I say that the little boy in Akio's dream is really himself, at a younger age, when his guilt was first born - probably when he killed his trainer. I'm going to be frank with my criticisms, since you're a friend, and you know I'm just trying to help you become a better writer. The story's OK, but to improve it, I suggest the inclusion of more historical background to know why the current war began and why Cortez's leadership is so controlling and repressive even among his own prized operatives. That way we would understand his motives and be more sympathetic of Akio and Celia's mistreatment. Speaking of which, neither of those main characters are likeable - they are assasins, and I don't feel sorry for Akio. I would if his killing was justified, but since I don't know why he assasinates these people, I just end up disliking him. You need to develop his character more and show why he continues to torture himself through all of his violence. Why are they fighting this war, and why is Cortez leading it in this way? Also, as "louby_4eva" said, you're skimming over events without any setting description. It seems you have the plot down, but that's all you write - remember, when you are to economic with your words, you end up seeming like writing a plot outline, not a story. Start fleshing out the setting a bit more before jumping into a new major event. For example, twice you've had Akio visit Cortez's office without describing what it looks like. I can't picture anything but Akio and Cortez in a void talking to each other (plus a window and a chair - and I don't even know what those objects look like. I need some adjectives here!). Also, you seem to be borrowing a lot of videogame material. Your world is called Gaea (Final Fantasy) Akio's first hit is very reminiscent of the first assaination in Hitman 2, there are little creatures that infect people (which could come from just about anywhere, but probably Half-Life 2). You need some more original material. Use your imagination, and don't mistake inspiration for it. |
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07-14-2007, 10:53 PM
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 | Spoiler: You're on the right track Akio isn't an assassin, remember back in Chapter one he said "I hate when they give me assassination missions."? He just so happen to be doing an assassination to start the story, also Celia is a Shade Hunter, I thought I should clarify. I've yet to actually give the name Shade Hunter in the story, but I do mention her job is to defeat shades. I've explained Celia's motive for fighting, and so far I thought I said Akio's motive was to stay with Celia. I was decently sure I put that in. But thanks now I have more things to think about to put in. Agreed. I've been focusing on plot too much, even I've noticed it. xD Anyway I guess I do need to go back and edit more descripitions in. I think I shall do that to all of the chapters after I've posted Chapter 7. To tell the truth, I called it Gaia because I had left that spot blank for awhile and it was delaying me posting the Chapter xD. I've still yet to come up with an original name but, that'll be changed soon. As for Hitman 2... I've never played Hitman 2. Nor have I played more then an hour of Half-Life 2. I think the main problem here isn't me basing things off others ideas, just that everything really has already been done. Its just like that episode of South Park where they kept saying... "The Simpsons did it" Anyway. Thanks for the analysis  Now I know some more things I have to improve on, and it will really help the story! I hope I get some more analysis' like this to think about. Last edited by Goldenboko; 08-15-2007 at 12:18 AM. |
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07-15-2007, 11:02 PM
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| | Summers sure are busy! I'm very glad I got this chapter out of the way because I want to write Chapter 5 bad! Pretty soon I'm going to go back and do some major edit work. Remember when you're reading this that nothing is final you're watching me create, extrapolate, and make a story from scratch. Chapter 4 is pretty long (5 pages), but I'm definitely going go back and add in some more. If you've been tired of Lack of action then Chapter 4 isn't gonna help you much, but Chapter 5 will most likely be your cuppa tea. On a side note, its likely I may go back and add a chapter between Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 some time, but for now I'm going to skip that as it will mainly be character relation build up. Here ya go, enjoy. PS- If you haven't been reading it in the Word Documents I highly recommend you start, the Word Documents are much more organized and generally nicer to read. Cortez sat in his seat, tonight the leather cushioning did nothing for his comfort. He was staring at the blank screen in front of him. “When shall this blank lifeless screen become filled with the life I despair to see?” Cortez thought. Captain Sagarya had called him once again. Sagarya must be put under intense pressure as of late on Cortez’s work. In the past Sagarya had let him loose to control his barracks as he pleased, but now she kept him on a very short leash. The screen began to flicker and Sagarya’s face appeared on the screen. Streaks of her purple hair ran down her face, she opened her eyes, not enough that she could see, but enough Cortez could see the red. Her eyes truly showed the hate that raged so deeply in her soul. “Oh my dear Cortez, your experiment has been very disobedient, are you losing your touch?” she taunted him, her voice crackling out of the speakers; not like it didn’t sound as such when they were face-to-face anyway. “Don’t doubt me Captain Sagarya; I have everything undercontrol. But my “experiment” has a name-” Cortez began to counter, but found himself quickly interrupted. “No, it doesn’t,” she spat, her voice deepening drowning out his objection. She tilted her head up so Cortez found himself staring at her chin. She removed all of the mocking tone from her voice and began to speak again, “Life is like a fatal play Cortez. Just like in plays there are actors, scenery… and play writers. You are an actor, and I am the play writer, you do as I tell you-” “You answer to a higher authority as well!” Cortez shot. “That does not matter in your situation, now control yourself or perhaps you would like me to instate someone else into your position,” she shouted. Cortez hushed himself and turned his head away. “That’s a good dog,’ she mocked. “I’m terminating the experiment.” “WHAT!?! That’s insane, everything’s fine!” Cortez yelled. “The government is beginning to fear the subject’s sudden boldness,” she explained, “If for any reason it was going to become unstable it would be on my head for allowing the experiment to continue this long. But, it would be a waste for the subject’s talent to die along with it; it is to share his knowledge and expertise. Then it is to be terminated along with the rest of the experiment.” “But-” Cortez started. “No more buts Cortez. I will not be held responsible, transmission over,” she said, and with that the screen went black. Cortez sank into his chair. “Now what…?” ________________________________________ ____________________________ Akio was laying in his bed. It had been a few days since his meeting with Cortez. He had found himself lost in thought, and Cortez had yet to contact him since their meeting. His door opened, the postman, Kyto, walked in, a large sack of mail over his shoulder, as usual. “I bring a message from Cortez. He says you are to train the newest group of students at the neighboring military academy, you start in 3 hours” he said, and walked over to Akio’s desk and laid some papers for him. “What? I need to go ask him about this, there must be some kind of mistake, I’m not a teacher!” Akio complained. “No. He specifically said he didn’t wish to see you, and I’m 100% sure he told me that you where to train the students. You know my perfect track record,” he explained, opened the door behind him and left as quickly he had come. Akio walked over and began to read the papers, “Yeah, these are definitely for me. What is going on?” he thought and began briefing himself on his students and their backgrounds, “If I’m going to teach, I may as well teach to the best of my ability,” he thought, and continued his task of reading through the various profiles and histories laid across his desk. ________________________________________ ____________________________ Akio stood in front of twenty kids, all differing in age, size, and ability; he had his hands behind his back and had a few papers in them. His feet heel to heel, and was very upright with his posture. The room was full of silence with only the tick and tock of the clock to interrupt it. Akio fixed his suit a bit; it was irritating him in every area possible. Akio took a glance at the clock once again, the second hand just passed over the 12, it was now exactly 9:45AM. Akio remembered how Palvo had once spoken to him before beginning his introductory speech. “Hello students. Let me start by saying I have no idea how to teach, I don’t know who any of you are, and I really shouldn’t be here,” he joked, there was a slight chorus of chuckle, but the ice wasn’t broken at all. The joke would’ve been much funnier to Akio if it hadn’t been so true. “You’ve all been chosen for an elite training class. I have been given complete permission to train you in anyway I see fit. So, chances are you all will not have any of the same training methods as any other class, keep this in mind when you don’t feel like paying attention. At the moment there are twenty heads in this classroom, by the time I am done only half of the number will graduate,” the class murmured among themselves after that last statement. “The starting and ending time of Classes shall be very punctual, an automatic failure for anyone who isn’t here, and in a seat, by exactly 6:45. You shall not leave you’re seats afterward until I tell you,” Again more murmurs, the students began to fret, and some where already counting themselves out of the graduating ten. “That is all for today.” “Wait, hold it! You’re going to sit up there and tell us how difficult the training is going to be and then dismiss us without us learning anything today!?!” a student spoke up. Akio looked at her for a moment, he recognized her from his portfolio, her name was Hirle Yassago. “Why are you in such a rush to begin? I’m giving you a break, in a few days you’ll be begging for something like this. Now, I’ve dismissed you, and soldiers do not question their commanding officer,” Akio replied bitterly, not used to such behavior. “We aren’t soldiers, and you aren’t our commanding officer!” she continued. Akio walked up to her and grabbed her by her wrist, “You’re right, you’re my student, and I’m you’re teacher, making it far worse for you,” he said and twisted her wrist. He felt a little pop, and the girl yelped in pain. “It’s not broken, but next time you question my authority I’ll remove it straight from your arm… CLASS DISMISSED!” he yelled, and this time all of the students we very quick to bail out of the classroom. ________________________________________ ____________________________ The next day Akio returned the classroom, but not at 6:45, but at 8:45. He sat in his chair and shuffled few a few papers. He began to count the empty seats aloud, “One… Two… Three… Four… Four failures already. A shame,” he said and made a few marks on a paper. A student spoke up objecting, “This is ridiculous! They where all here on time, two left to go look for you and the others had to go to the bathroom!” Akio looked at the daring student for a moment. Robert Heal, “Mr. Heal, when did I ever say that I had to be here by 6:45?” Akio asked him. He just stuttered, he hadn’t thought of that, “And next, I said no one was to leave there seat until after I had told them they may. Did I dismiss any of those students to leave their seats to go to the bathroom?” he asked. “No but-” he started “No buts, you just admitted that they didn’t follow my dictation so they have subjected themselves to failure.” “B-But you’re failing them for such a minor misdirection!” “In the field even the most minor stray from an order can lead to disaster. Now enough, class shall now begin,” Akio said, finishing the quarrel. “Now who here knows the basic to casting a mana spell?” I few people raised their hands, but most halfheartedly. “Hmm, not nearly enough. Let’s go over it shall we? There are two types of Mana Spells, 1. Elemental spells. These spells are meant to be used in human v. human engagements, and 2. Light and Darkness spells. These spells are meant to be used in human v. shade engagements. Now, you’re class is meant to be primarily specialized in human v. human engagements, but seeing as anything can happen in the field I will make sure that everyone can at least cast the most basic Shade effecting spells.” Akio began to explain, the students began to jot down notes. “Oh no that will not be necessary. In real life situations you wouldn’t be able to use notes so you will not be allowed to in my classroom, all training shall be accomplished through attempting to do what I tell you. Now let’s continue shall we? All basic spells follow the same basic template in order to be cast.” Akio took some chalk and wrote upon the board… The words read… “Mana Focus-> Elemental/LD Handsign-> Spell Handsign-> Cast” “Before you can cast a spell you must focus you’re mana at the cast points which depend entirely on the Elemental Handsign, and the Spell you are going to attempt to cast. Afterward you make either the handsign of Element of the spell you going to cast, or you make the Angel or Demon handsign if you are attacking a shade. After making the initial handsign you make what is called the Spell Handsign, which is determined completely by the spell you are about to use, and lastly unleash the focus mana to create you’re spell…” Akio finished. ________________________________________ ____________________________ Akio looked around the class; the students where exhausted but most where at least starting to be able focus mana correctly. “Alright, I think you can all focus your mana properly,” Akio said and took a glance at the clock: 10:14PM, “Alright I think that’s enough for today. Remember, 6:45AM tomorrow! Class dismissed,” he announced. The worn out students hurried out of the class to get to their dorms so they could sleep. Akio took his time, and gathered together some papers with notes on the students sprawled all over them. Akio leisurely walked from the campus to his barracks, there was no reason for him to hurry. He reached the outside of his room, and saw Kyto standing in front of the door. “You’re late, campus hours end at 10:30. Its 11, what took you so long?” “First off, I don’t have to abide by their hours, and secondly, I wasn’t aware I was supposed to be expecting company.” “Perhaps we could take this conversation in your room, it’s a bit chilly in the halls,” the postman lied. Akio knew that statement was impossible, all rooms in the barracks had climate control to the exact same temperature, but it was clear Kyto didn’t want to talk in the open, so Akio obliged and opened the door to his room. Kyto stepped in and took out a piece of mail, Akio followed, and was handed the mail. Kyto only said one word, “Celia,” “What?” Akio exclaimed surprised. He ripped open the envelope and sure enough there was Celia’s signature, her name shaping itself into a heart. “How? Why?” “I owe Celia, my son was afflicted by a Shade, had it not been for her he would have been killed,” he explained. “I promised her I’d continue to make sure I leaked mail in and out between you two. I best be off, this already looks suspicious as it is.” “Kyto wait!” Akio shouted before he left, “Thank you.” Kyto simply smiled and continued on his way, opening the door, and leaving. Last edited by Goldenboko; 08-04-2007 at 06:37 AM. |
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08-04-2007, 05:36 AM
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