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#25  For now on all chapters posted on EoFF have censored text (Mainly because Cortez has a potty mouth) But the attached documents are going to be uncensored... Here you go! Chapter 3 Chapter 3 Akio awoke late, 12:01PM to be exact. Last night, like every other, he was plagued with an odd nightmare. He didn’t see anything, he just heard a small boy, yelling and crying in pain. Akio couldn’t understand it; so many times he had tried to figure out what it meant but each time he never made any progress. He wasn’t going to worry about it today either. He got out of his bed and walked over to his door. There was a little letter that had Cortez’s seal on his floor. “No way, he responded to my letter that fast? What is Cortez some kind of insomniac like me now?” Akio thought. Akio bent down and picked up the letter. He ripped it open a bit haphazardly and took out a small piece of paper that was inside. It was more of a note then a letter; he read the few words sprawled inside. “Akio, my office, immediately,” it read. “That’s it? Well, better not keep him waiting,” Akio decided. He snatched his sword, for some reason Akio couldn’t go anywhere without it. He walked straight to Cortez’s office; unwilling to give time for Cortez’s temper rise; although it was probably too late for that now. He arrived there within minutes, and gave his sword to the receptionist, a petit girl; she always looked so vulnerable, the exact opposite of Celia. He then walked to Cortez’s desk. Cortez wasn’t facing him, instead he was looking out the only window in the barracks yet; it was raining outside. Cortez always left his window open when it was dark out he did this trying to show off his advantages as much as possible. Not only was Cortez the only one with a window but he was also the only one allowed to have a window, but he was the only person who got to have his room be dark. The rest of the soldiers were forced to live in perpetual light, it was completely disorienting. He coughed a bit, letting Cortez know he had arrived. “You always know exactly how to piss me off don’t you?” Cortez asked rhetorically. “I don’t even mean to do it on purpose, you could say I’m a natural,” Akio returned smugly. “Now is not a good time for your arrogance, Akio,” Cortez threatened. “It seems it never is.” “Sit your *** down!” Cortez yelled. Akio felt tense, nervous, and the last thing he wanted to do was try and sit down. “And if I refuse?” Akio questioned. “Like I said, you know exactly how to piss me off!” Cortez yelled, and turned to face Akio. He stared into his eyes, angrily. Akio decided this would be an awful time to make Cortez any angrier, so Akio submit to Cortez’s will. Akio sat in the nearest chair, and Cortez turned around again. He bent down and picked up something. With turning back to face him he threw a small piece of paper at Akio. Akio caught it, and Cortez began to speak again. “What the hell is that suppose to be?” he asked. Akio already knew what the paper was, without even looking at it. He ripped it in half, and replied, “Nothing.” “Nice try,” Cortez snapped, “You and Celia’s little game is over Akio.” Akio didn’t like where this conversation was going. Akio and Celia where so careful, how could they have found out! “You seem a bit surprised. Perhaps it would be better if I explained. Everyone suspected there was something between you and Celia when she was low ranked, and we don’t really care about soldiers fraternizing; so we let it continue. Soon though, we noticed Celia’s will to advance, and her ability was definitely obvious. We promoted her to captain of the most elite Shade Hunting group. This is where the problem came in; you don’t want to be displayed with your true rank. Someone of that rank can’t be displayed to the public as dating some lowly soldier.” Cortez began to explain. “Yes, yes of course,” Akio said, trying to hurry Cortez to the point, he already knew all of this. “I trusted that you two would settle this yourself. For awhile I thought you had; no longer did you two appear in the cameras together for long periods of time, you where still friendly when you walked by each other of course, but it appeared to just be more or less “hello and good-bye”. One day though, about 7 months after Celia’s promotion, I decided to review some of the mana spheres. I do it often, its just business as usual. This time though, I noticed something on the sphere I was watching from a couple of days before, while you we’re heading to your room you took a very unnecessary turn. I found all of the sphere’s from last night and put together all the mana spheres that you where in, and the ones you weren’t. After that it was simple to see where the blind spot in the cameras.” “So you had a mana camera installed without telling anyone? But if you had know that…” Akio started. Cortez sat in his chair, one far larger then Akio’s, and began speaking in a quiet voice, Akio had never heard him speak like this before .“I didn’t want to be a complete ***** Akio, I wanted to let you two stay together. But as of recently you’ve crossed the final line. Celia is essential to the Alliance, and we can’t have you tempting her to quit. I forbid you two from seeing each other as long as you are both in the military, or until the current war is over.” Akio knew what that meant. The war against the Grippans have been going on for generations, who knows if it will be over this generation, or the next, or the next? And a soldier in Celia’s position doesn’t retire; she fights till there is no more war, to the death. He’s trying to forbid them permanently. Akio stood out of the chair and headed for the door. “I’ll begin to type up my resignation forms then.” Akio shot back. “You better type up Celia’s while you’re at it then!” Cortez countered. Akio understood that perfectly. Cortez heard his conversation with Celia yesterday; he knew that if she was decommissioned because of him, she would never forgive him. Akio said nothing more, Cortez had won. He took his sword from the attendant in defeat, and walked to his room devoid of thought. He threw his sword across the small, bare room, and smashed the wall, and for the first time in four years. “You win Cortez… you always win,” Akio wept. |
07-09-2007, 05:57 AM
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 | So far you've had good feedback for this story. It is good, I like the plot and you seem to spend a lot of time developing the characters. It just seems as though you're skimming over everything, although you try to describe things, it just doesn't feel like it's written very well. I'm not really sure how to explain myself in a coherent way. I think when you read a story it should evoke some sort of response. I'm reading it, but I'm not feeling anything in doing so. Not sadness at the parting of Akio and Celia (I haven't read the last chapter that you wrote, my eyes were hurting too much), no rush at the assination, nothing. I'm not sure how you could improve this. It took a few chapters for the story to actually become clear; I assume that destroying these eight towers is what they're out to do. It does have a good plot though, I'm not denying that. It might help to go back over your chapters once you've finished and re-write parts that you don't like. There are some grammatical errors and some sentences that just don't seem to make sense e.g 'That didn’t phase to me much in the when I was young'. If your writing style was more developed and the errors fixed i think this would make a really good read  Smile and Be happy  ps I don't mean to cause any offense by my comments, just thought I'd share my opinion. |
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07-11-2007, 07:53 PM
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| | Believe me I take no offense. In fact, I'm very glad I finally got a very indepth review on what I did wrong. If I only got responses saying what I did right I would never develop as a writer... Now for a little response to what you said. Yes I can agree that I tend to be better at plot and developing characters then anything else. Those tend to be my strong points in writing. And agree that Chapter 1 was very, very rushed. I'm still unsure exactly how I want that written and once I figure it out I intend to go back and fix it... although I was pretty happy with my chapter two. I do need to work on descriptions but I actually lowered the descriptions in my first few chapters on purpose (mainly in the Prologue and in Chapter 1). I tried to make the beginning friendly to lots of people even readers that can't find themselves reading long stories because often people will ignore a story just because the beginning is so long-winded. I've been slowly increasing the amount of detail in each chapter. Thanks for the response hopefully it will help my writing in the future! |
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07-11-2007, 08:46 PM
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Hope things turn up for him soon ... 
