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#9  I added in the missing part and updated the word document. Damn you PuPu your so good at finding my typos, and mistakes, and yes run on sentences are my most common mistake; I do them all the time. LIKE RIGHT THEN! |
06-22-2007, 04:54 AM
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 | OMG, awesomeness Boko! Reading your stuff always makes me want to write! I love the main guy's name...Akio. It's so cool. And i'm interested in how "birds" and "horses" fit into the amgic system. Do they denote the strength of a spell? The elemental alignment? I'm always drawn to the obscure things!x] |
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06-22-2007, 03:01 PM
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 | I like what I see there, Boko. That story has lots of potential. I'm looking forward for the next chapter. Run on sentences are a very common mistake. Even I do them. I always re-read a chapter or prologue before posting it. That way, I make sure I post with the least amount of typos possible. You see, when someone writes, the grammar, spelling and punctuation are vital points to a story, as well as the plot of said story. Good work Boko.  |
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06-22-2007, 06:14 PM
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| | Chapter One This was really my least favorite planned chapter so far so I just wanted to get it out of the way :P continue with the feedback guys it really helps me when writing new chapters. Thanks for all of the Support so far. Chapter One: Akio opened his eyes, what an awful time to draw upon such a memory. Missions are the last time Akio wanted to have to try and deal with the past. He looked outside the stagecoach, the sun was blinding just like it was that day… four years ago. He winced his blue eyes, and tucked his black hair away from his eyes. His hair wasn’t that long, but in the front just long enough to get in the way of his line of vision. He decided that after this mission he would get it cut, being blinded in the middle of battle by his own hair would be such an awful way to go. The Stagecoach began to slow down; he watched the driver carefully and looked around to make sure that he was going to the right location. “I should really be more careful, I’ve spaced out so long I don’t even know if I’ve been lured into a trap,” Akio thought. He really did hate being used for an assassination mission, but he couldn’t argue with the higher ups. The stagecoach came to a complete stop, they where in the correct location and the driver didn’t appear to be doing anything suspicious, all was good. Akio stepped out of the Stagecoach, tipped the driver nicely, but not so much it would seem out of place. He began to walk into Fort Myre his fake I.D. worked perfectly, the guards now knew him as Jack Freeman Josef Hazman’s new chef, such an ironic name considering how caged Akio always felt. “Sergeant Cortez has a real sick sense of humor,” thought Akio. The Plan was simple; Akio stays overnight tonight to wait for his first day at his new “job”. So he’d be able to walk right past the guards, waving and smiling, to the room right next to his target’s and on top of all of that be left all alone to rip off the sole of his shoe take out the hidden dagger, sneak by the guards and kill Josef. “Simple enough,” Akio thought, and reached his temporary home. He came with a small bag to make it look like he was really moving in, but this stuff would be useless and needed to be burned before he left to make sure it didn’t seem like an apartment was suddenly abandoned. Although, he had no idea who they planned to move into the apartment and how he would sneak by the guards, it wasn’t any worry to him. He threw his clothes over the fire where the stove was, and laid down on his bed, it was extremely uncomfortable; he had been too pampered with the military beds he had become accustom to. This new spring mattress felt unnatural and made sleeping difficult. He ended up unable to take a nap like he originally wished and made himself a quick dinner over the fire. It wasn’t anything special just some quick boil-up rice from a pouch he had with him. It was nightfall before he tried to sleep again, but to no avail. Akio ended up thinking back to that day four years ago again. Palvo didn’t give him that test to make him a good soldier; he wanted to break his spirit to fight. Palvo didn’t want Akio to stay in the military. Palvo was pretty successful too, Akio used to think of resigning once a month, after that, once a week, now he contemplates it just about everyday. “I really only stay here for Celia now,” Akio thought. After a sleepless night, the Sun finally rose at about 6:40 in the morning. Restless after having such a bad night Akio wanted to rush out of his apartment, be he knew better. It would be odd if he showed up early on his first day after such a long trip. Most would expect him to sleep easily and be exhausted after the trip, especially being a mere cook. So Akio changed into his “new job’s” clothes, waited until 7:54 to leave his apartment, 6 minutes before we was suppose to be there, he ran to the fort manor, scuffling up his apron and chef’s hat. He walked up the steps to the guards. Akio didn’t need to fake exhaustion as he approached the Manor Guards. “Hold it, identification please,” one of the two guards said. Akio yawned and rummaged threw his pockets, pulled out his fake ID and shoved it into the guard’s face. “Ah, you’re the new cook, get started I’m hungry!” “You know I’m for you right?” Akio joked. “Tch, of course, the last thing dear Josef would do is hire someone for us,” the guard scowled. “You don’t look too good.” “I’m not used to long trips,” Akio lied. “Anyway I should get going; last thing I need to do is be late on making breakfast on my first day.” After his little performance he walked off into the manor, and headed toward the kitchen. No need to check the room for mana cameras according to the floor plan he was shown, there were none. Akio took off his shoe, and ripped off the sole, sticking his hand in-between the layers of fabric, and pulling out a small dagger. He peaked out of the kitchen door, no one was in the corridor; perfect. He tucked himself against the wall, and snuck up right to the turn, and peered to the door in which Josef Hazman was behind. Two guards where in front of the door. “Damn, of course what was I thinking? That’s the only way in the room, so looks like I have to get by them,” Akio thought. One of the guards was tall and buff, the other was small, and skinny. “I can probably take one of them down with a surprise attack. I don’t want to have to kill them,” Akio considered how he would go about his attack. Most people would go after the big one first fearing he’d be stronger, but Akio thought outside of the box. He knew that the big ones neck was a larger target, it would be easier to attack his neck then the small agile one. “Well, now or never,” Akio busted out from behind the corner, and rammed the handle of his dagger into the throat of the small guard, he went out instantly. By now the bigger guard had reached for his weapon, a spiked steel ball attached to a handle by metal chains. He swung it at Akio fiercely; Akio jumped back avoiding the incoming doom, and stepped on the chain. The guard tried to pull it back, and Akio reached down and cut the chain straight off of the ball, sending the guard backward. The guard tried to use the chain as a whip and swung it at Akio, but Akio simply caught it and pulled it right out of the guard’s hand with a strong tug. He then lurched his entire body foreword and redirected the pole toward the guard’s face. It smashed into his face and he was out cold. “Now Mr. Hazman, your all that’s left,” Akio thought, and ran through the door in front of him. Mr. Hazman turned and saw him, and was completely shocked. “Who the hell are-” Hazman started and before he could finish Akio had chucked his dagger which lodged itself in his neck, Hazman was dead in an instant… Last edited by Goldenboko; 06-23-2007 at 05:24 AM. |
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06-23-2007, 02:55 AM
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 | Awesomeness all the way through. It kept my attention the whole time, that's really a good sign, I think I get distracted easily. Anyways, I think there were just a few capitalization errors, and ... I think you forgot to add the word 'look?' xD |
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06-23-2007, 05:16 AM
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