Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > *Warning: Graphic Content May Offend* Rainy Night [S]

[IBCrayZ]

Rainy Night

It is dark and pouring down rain. I can just barely see the two figures struggling in my lawn as I walk up the street. Probably just a couple drunks. Fighting over the last beer. I slowed my pace a little. One of them isn't a man. No, the body is much to shapely. The scream she lets out confirms it.


I yell. I run. What the hell is going on?! He sees me running. I see his whole body go through the motion. Oh God. No. Oh God, he did it. Please don't be her, not my Rebecca. Not in our own yard. Not like this. She falls facedown. And he was gone. I didn't even see him leave. Distracted. The knife laying in the grass. The body at my feet. A bloody, muddy body. I kneel down, soaking wet. I reach out. God, I can't do this. I have to. I reach a little further. I grab her, turn her over.


Rebecca. It is her. Oh god. How could this happen? I just lie there, sprawled out over her body. Crying. Crying in the rain. I don't know how long I am there. Like that. Seems like forever. I force myself up. To call the police. She was gone, for good. Taken from me like. . .like. I don't know. But now she is gone and so the police come.


They come. They talk. They leave, taking Rebecca with them. I can't sleep. No way I would be able to. Not after that. So I try to find something to eat. Comfort food. It is needed. To the fridge. No, above that. The freezer. Ice cream. We always have ice cream. Oh God. Tears. The only kind left is Rocky Road. Rebecca's favorite.


No. No ice cream for me. A flashing red light catches my attention. A message. Odd, this late into the night. I check it. The nightmares I didn't even know exist come to life. My daughter. No. She never made it to her friends house. She was going to spend the night. Never made it. Oh God. Not her too. No, anything but her. Me. But not her. Rebecca. But not her. Not my Mary.


It runs on into the next message. Oh God. Even worse. He has her. He makes threats. I can hear her scream. No, she is just a girl! just a 10 year old girl! touch her and die! I yell. It is no use. It is just a message on the phone. It can't hear me, can't respond. Wait. A park. What park? What park do I go to? I don't know. I missed it. I repeat the message, to my agony. I know it. The park.


Particular thoughts run through my head. Murder. Hate. Death. Mary. Death. Rape. No, must force those thoughts from my mind. Mind must be clear. Steak knife. No, too small. I want death, not pain. I pull the biggest knife from the set. Jacket. Into the rain.


Walking. I get there fast, or at least it seems that way. Time doesn't exist. Only intent. My intent. His death. My watch. I'm early. The park, hidden between two alleyways, is deserted. The rain pours down. I tour the park. Trees, randomly dispersed. Behind one, a foot. A small foot. Oh God. No. I'll kill him. I will.


There she lies. My Mary. Naked, waist down. Rage. Murder. Some one else is going to die tonight. My rage burns. It burns hot.


I hear his voice from behind me. Rhaspy. Full of ignorance. Ignorance of love. Death for ignorance? With rain pouring down in this darkness I can't make out his face. I don't want to. No. I want to see something else of his. Blood.


I lunge. He doesn't expect it. He should have. I can feel every muscle and artery and bone when the knife pierces his body. I attack. Again. Again. What he did. To Rebecca. To Mary. To me. His blood everywhere. On me. On the ground. On the knife. Warmth. Burning. My rage is fueled, not cooled. I keep stabing. Throat. Chest. Throat. The pain is overwhelming. They are both gone. He falls to the ground. I stand still, watching the rain drive away his blood. It is not enough. I stomp down on his ribcage. Desecration. He must be destroyed, completely. I can hear the bones crack. I can hear them break. He is long dead, but I can't stop.


I will surely never see them again, for Heaven won't take me now, and that is where they are sure to be. But Hell, Hell will have me. And there, I can continue his destruction.

[nik0tine]

She was gone, for good. Taken from me like. . .like. I don't know.

This is, hands down, the worst use of figurative language that I have ever seen or heard of.

[IBCrayZ]

Originally Posted by nik0tine ^

She was gone, for good. Taken from me like. . .like. I don't know.

This is, hands down, the worst use of figurative language that I have ever seen or heard of.

Give me a chance to get through college and learn the grammar and basic language structure of the English language that my teachers refuse to teach me. Okay?

Oh? Would you mind explaining what that is and why it is wrong? Thanks!

[nik0tine]

Give me a chance to get through college and learn the grammar and basic language structure of the English language that my teachers refuse to teach me. Okay?

Ok.

Oh? Would you mind explaining what that is and why it is wrong? Thanks!

Well, 'I don't know' simply is not a very effective way to describe something.

A similie is a type of literary tool that uses the words 'like' or 'as' to compare two things. Perhaps you could have said something like "She was taken from me coldly, like a theif plunders a tomb." (sorry, thats corny as hell, but you get the picture.) "That is actually comparing two things to describe what you are trying to say. It describes not only that she was stolen from you, but that she was stolen from you with impartiality, and coldness. Comparing the thief who plunders a tomb with no conscience to this killer who plunders the treasures in your life with no conscience.

"She was taken from me like I don't know" doesn't really describe anything. It's a shining example of what you absolutely should not do.

[NeoCracker]

You also seem to be exibiting a problem I have from time to time. Look over the first words of every sentance and try to make sure that all sentances in a paragraph start with a different word.

Things like "The Come. They talk. They Leave," however can work, however it may flow better for that scenario if you use commons instead of new sentances.