Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > A poem type thing

[Medi]

I'm excellent at writing stories, but usually at poetry not so much. More recently I've been trying to get better. My inspiration for this poem comes from one of my closest friends separating from her boyfriend of nearly two years. Naturally, she was pretty upset. I felt really bad for her, and drawing on my past experiences, I wrote her this poem centering on the point of view of anyone who has split up with someone they love. The title is now "If you don't return". Here it is:

If you don't return
I'd lose my reason to wake up.
If you don't return,
Sure, my life would be hollow.
So what?
I can live as a shell.

If you don't return,
My life would be a desert
Straining for salvation.
So what?
I can live on without a soul.

Each night, there are the stars
illuminating the darkness.
If you don't return,
Mine will be gone.
So what?
I can live my life blind.

Your voice was the only thing
I wanted to hear.
If you don't return...
So what?
I didn't need my ears anyway.

The only person I looked forward
to speaking with was you.
If you don't return...
So what?
The world will be a little quieter.

Disgusting, blind, deaf, mute.
If you don't return,
That's what I'll become.
So what?
I may as well not be.


So what do you all think?

[Spammerman]

Thumbs up. Why not name it If You Go and Dont Return, or If You Dont Return

[Medi]

Thanks

That's a good idea. I guess I'll name it that, then.

[Spammerman]

No problem.

[Gnostic Yevon]

I like it. I think the repitition really helps to make the reader feel the loss with you. Or it works on me. Which may be the point...

[Medi]

Thanks. One of my siblings did comment on the repetition as well, but she said I pulled it off nicely. Any more constructive criticism, anyone?

[Jack]

If you don't return
I'd lose my reason to wake up.
If you don't return,
Sure, my life would be hollow.
So what?
I can live as a shell.

If you don't return,
My life would be a desert
Straining for salvation.
So what?
I can live on without a soul.

Each night, there are the stars
illuminating the darkness.
If you don't return,
Mine will be gone.
So what?
I can live my life blind.

Your voice was the only thing
I wanted to hear.
If you don't return...
So what?
I didn't need my ears anyway.

The only person I looked forward
to speaking with was you.
If you don't return...
So what?
The world will be a little quieter.

Disgusting, blind, deaf, mute.
If you don't return,
That's what I'll become.
So what?
I may as well not be.

As constructive criticism, I'm going to be honest. I didn't like this.

The over use of "return" is hammering over a point the reader has identified with. In fact, the poem clashes with the idea of return, so by repeating it it merely contradicts the rest of the poem.

You use nice ideas, but the poblem is the ideas clash. Stars and darkness is a nice idea, but the imagery doesn't convey. Stars are only pinpricks in a sheet of darknes, how can you illuminate darkness/ Surely its then light? It doesn't even work as a oxymoron because they aren't direct opposites.

All is spoken about is the break, but why is the break so important? What is the context for the poem's writer to feel this way?

And the writer? The problem is that he doesn't flesh himself out, it appears onsideded and that makes him sound whining rather then human. He has no levels. I don't sympathise, i pity him for his shallowness. He is selfish. Ia ctualy thought he deserved to be single for his uncaringness.

I'm not judging you, I'm just thinking about the poem.