Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > [P] im not a poet but i make poetry...

[Arc_Master_14]

Star
A dark night
no light
all alone
til' a light shone
From the sky a light emitted
sparkle bright It'd.
A smiling face
whos body you want to embrace
You run to her at top speed
As if you were riding a steed
You stop at the final destination
Seeing her in a window is just your medication
Happy with that your turn around and walk away
back home where you stay


I was in a rhyming mood
sry for the double post but Im having serious writers block HELP!

[Ace14]

Lol I haven't talked to Nicole in a while but that quote does seem like something she would say. I think this peom was one of your best, just keep think and try to find an inspiration to get through your writer's block.

[Jack]

I'm sorry but none of the poems go anywhere.

The Tunnel
Light at the end of the tunnel
seemingly unreachable
Going one step forward two steps back
never reaching it, til the end of time
when a thought strikes the mind
turn around... and have a better perspective
make it to the end, full of happiness
remember this though,
happiness is overrated

Point first, there is no punctuation. Are we to assume that each line is the end of the sentence? However, the poem itself actually supports enjambement, so which is it? With no commas, it becomes a nightmare to read and some moments are lost because there is no break.

2nd Point, they are too One Dimensional which is a problem especially since you're using an concept. Is the speaker actually in a tunnel? If they are using it as an idea, why does he speak about life as well? We know nothing to even compare the two ideas. You're assuming we know something about you, which is unfair on the reader.

3rd Point, the rhyme system is flawed. You could argue that this is intentional, but I can't see the point of it with this poem. Is this tunnel windy? The shape of the poem doesn't reflect either he subject or the mood. You appear focussed, yet your rhyme isn't.

4th Point, your "message" is flawed. In fact, it makes no sense. I assume we are on this tunnel, and if we turn around (instead of heading toward the light) we'll gain a better view of our lives. Fair enough. Then you say "make it to the end". But you've already said we can't make it to the end. And if you're talking about walking backwards, that defeats the point of using the Tunnel as the concept. There is one direction and that is FORWARD.
And the comment at the end "happiness is overrated" also gains few points when you concern the fact thsat you said an end (you think we can't reach) we will be happy. But that happiness is overated! So what do we do? The tunnel concept means we can't escape. Even suicide desn't work, because thats an end of sorts.
So what do we do? This contradiction means we're kind of left with nothing at the end of the poem, which is bad if you were wanting to have emotional aspects.

However, on a positive, at least you have an idea. Sadly, this is marred by the fact that this is only one of the poems. Maybe you should think of quality rather than quantity.

[Arc_Master_14]

ok dude you need to calm down the point of my no using punctutation is that is how I write poetry. it is for a reason though. By not showing the end of a sentence or line you can put the punctutatiion whereever you want (i know weird but its just how I write) also its figurative not literal geniu. And poetry can mean anything the reader can examine and read it the way they want to. And dude the only poem I have ever used rhyme in is the last one.


SO BACK OFF!

[Ace14]

*Scratches head* Well I thought the poems were good.

[Jack]

You've made this personal. I decided, "I'm gonna be honest and give contructive criticism". But you've taken it about yourself. However, since I'm (soon to be, once my letter comes through) a published poet, I thought I'd have another look.

And dude the only poem I have ever used rhyme in is the last one.

And? You're thinking about strict rhyme. The words have to share common sounds, or the tone veers. Even non-rhyming poems have some form of rhyme, if its with the shape or the sound. Its what turns poetry from prose to verse. Seriously, read it aloud. Hell, read ANY poem aloud and you'll see what I mean.

the point of my no using punctutation is that is how I write poetry. it is for a reason though. By not showing the end of a sentence or line you can put the punctutation whereever you want

Wait, you're saying I have to put the punctutation in? You defy that by seperating lines. I'm sorry, I was simply saying that reading it (as supposed to) aloud was a nightmare. This means the poem is going to be read differently, which while fine, kind of renders it a bit silly. How about I start adding words into it? Poetry is art.
Its like a painting, you don't see people adding brush strokes, or altering tones do you? The painting is static, what changes is the people viewing.
Same goes for Poetry. While I respect your idea, in the end it just doesn't have substance. And as for how you write, thats fine. Just in its displayed format, it just looks rushed.

And poetry can mean anything the reader can examine and read it the way they want to.

Well yeah. Did I say opposite? *looks*
I'm sorry if you mis-understood. I'm just saying that it doesn't say or do anything. It just is. I looked at this for an hour and didn't draw a single thing. Its a pretty concept, but it doesn't have any substance. I'd love to say it does. Really.

SO BACK OFF!

I'm sorry, but that reaction says it all. If you can't take one critic, then how do you deal? I wasn't even mean, I simply looked at the poem objectively. I am actually offended. If this is your childish reaction to all viewers who don't think you're amazing, then don't expect much acclaim.

ok im not much of a poet but every once in a blue moon a get an idea for one this is one of them crtic i dont care

Obviously, that isn't true. I do hope you get out of your writer's block.

[Arc_Master_14]

Ok I see how you see it and I now accept that and to the childish quirk uuh dude im 14 i have the right to be childish

[Ace14]

Lol wow. Actually that was kinda mean just coming out of nowhere and pretty much saying he's not good at poetry Jack, but I get...well I don't get much of your point but you sounded smart and sure about yourself so you must know something about poetry. Well anyway I really don't care how the poetry is written as long as it sounds good and deep lol, I don't mind punctuation or small things like that... no offence to anyone who takes poetry seriously.