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#1  All the Villains get together... and talk (Wolf Kanno addition) I forgot to do this but I really liked how it came out. So I compiled my post in this thread and present them to you to read for fun. I do have one or two entry from other people in the thread and I'll make sure I give them their credit  I also fixed alot of the grammar and spelling (well most of it  ) so it should be easier to read.Enjoy ............................... It would start off with everyone getting their salads and soups. Everyone is just eating and staring at each other, waiting for the opportune time to strike. Kefka starts to imagine what it would be like to feel Seymour’s insides and begins to laugh maniacally. Zeromus: Shut the @#$% up you stupid clown!!! I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!! X-Death: Calm down! You know what yelling does to your blood pressure... Emperor Palamecian: This is quite ridiculous. We should be a bit more civilized about this. I mean it's not like we all are very different. We should put aside our differences for one moment and just enjoy the evening. Everyone calms down and begins to relax... Seymour: Finally, another gentlemen! I don't feel like I'm conversing with mere barbarians anymore. Kuja: Sephiroth, you haven't even touched your salad. Is something wrong? Sephiroth: Mother doesn't like it when I eat unfamiliar food... Kuja: Um... ok... what would you really like to eat? Sephiroth: Lifestream. Garland (FF9): I can't have you do that!!! Those are the souls of my people I'm supposed to be safeguarding! Zeromus: You mean the same bastards who sealed me up when I was still a Lunarian!!! Garland and Kuja: No!!! Ultemecia: I just wanted to kompress time into one moment so I would be all-powerful. Garland (FFI): Wouldn't that just had made your life last like an instant. You would become a sorta've god and then died cause existence would have ended. Even if you did live, there really wouldn't be anything to do with your power. Ultemecia:.... I didn't think about that... but what about you and Chaos? You just created a time loop in order to maintain a false form of immortality and yet still get killed. You would think you would use your influence to kill the heroes before they got too powerful to kill you. Garland and Chaos look at each other... Garland and Chaos: Damn we're idiots.... Dark Cloud: So X-Death... what's your story. X-Death: I'm an evil tree created by humans indiscriminately sealing evil and forbidden magic into holy trees without ever thinking about the consequences caused by their half assed disposal abilities. Dark Cloud: A tree hugger huh? Me? I'm an Evil Cloud... Sephiroth: Cloud!!?? (Cue One Winged Angel) I live to make you miserable cause I have nothing better to do!!! Come and face me now as I destroy everything you love in order to maintain my immortality through your memories!!! (Hey, he's got to do it somehow... Look at Forsaken Lover's post) To be continued... Kefka: Calm down you Mama's boy. What's your story anyway?
Kefka: That's just because fangirls (and some fanboys) want to watch you and Cloud do it... Sephiroth: Do what? Everyone shuts up and looks at Sephiroth like the idiot he really is. Kefka: Good lord... Kuja, you seem to be well acquainted with this area, you explain it to him... Kuja gives him a dirty look. Kuja whispers into Sephiroth's ear. Sephiroth turns pale and has a look of utter shock... Sephiroth: But... no... I want Cloud dead... not like... oh wow... Now when I think about everything I used to say in that context... GOOD LORD! I HAD LANCE BASS DO MY VOICE IN KINGDOM HEARTS!!! Ultemecia hands him, her laptop. She takes him to a popular yaoi fanfiction site. Sephiroth: This isn't right... There's like 100 pages of titles... To be Continued... Rufus: So you're a talking tree? X-Death: Yes, I see you were easdropping on my conversation... Rufus: I'm a businessman; it's what we do. Anyway, I was just wondering... You know how Mother Nature feels right? Can you tell me where the Promised Land is? X-Death: Have you ever talked to a tree before? Gawd they never shut up. And all they do is bitch and complain. Rufus: Really? X-Death: Oh, yeah, houseplants mostly just talk about how stupid you humans are. Rufus: (Whispering) Scarlet, I have a new campaign slogan for ShinRa. ShinRa: Getting back at the planet cause your houseplants are talking behind your back. Sephiroth (speaking from the back ground): Cloud and Sephiroth's Excellent Erotic Adventure? It has pictures? Garland (FFI): So you're name is Garland as well? Garland (FF9): Yes, I am the guardian of the people of Terra. Garland (FFI): I'm a Knight in the service of a retarded king. I tried to date his daughter and he sent these four assholes to rough me up. Instead they killed me and my soul was sent into the future to become him. (Points to Chaos, Chaos waves to them) Garland (FF9): Ouch, that's a nasty makeover... Me, my problem comes from my family. I have two sons. They're not really my sons, I created them. The first one got amnesia and joined some actor's guild. I never thought he was right to begin with but hey, he's still better than my second child... Garland (FFI): Who's he? Garland (FF9) points to Kuja. Garland (FFI): Good lord... Here, let me buy you a drink.... I mean damn... Vayne: So... are you two related somehow? Shuyin: Well yes, sorta've... Seymour: NO! Shuyin: We're villains from the same game. Seymour: No, I was the villain from that game. You're the loser villain from the Shuyin: Yes I do, I wanted revenge against the people who killed my beloved! Seymour: If she really loved you, she would have come back as a zombie like us. Face it, she burned you. Shuyin: That...(sniff) not true... WAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!! Seymour: Now me, I'm a real villain. I came back from the dead to build my ideal Spira. BY KILLING EVERYONE!!!! I started with those detested Ronso cause, well I have allergies and... Golbez: No one gave a damn about you. Sin was the real villain in that game. The writer's threw your worthless butt into the story cause they needed someone who can talk. Seymour: How dare you... Golbez: Furthermore, you got killed like what? Four times. I mean damn. Being undead is all you have going for you. You barely did any real damage compared to the rest of us. Face it, you're the flunky in your game, Sin and Yu Yevon are the real villains. I mean, you could be omitted from the story and it wouldn't really make a difference. Seymour:.... WAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! Kuja, hold me!!! Kuja: DAMMIT, I'M NOT GAY!!!! How many times do I have to say it? Everyone looks at Kuja like he was speaking in tongues. They eye his clothing... Kuja: This is called a fashion statement! Just cause I wear women's lingerie does not mean I'm gay. Besides, have you ever worn women's underwear? It's so silky and soft and it conforms to every part of my body... The sound of Garland(FF9) weeping loudly from the back can be heard... Sephiroth: How did this happen? I was the total badass. The villain that inspired a generation of badass villains... Ultemecia: Hear, let me show you my collection of Cloud/Vincent/Kudaj/ and Sephiroth yaoi fanfiction. Some of it was so explicit, most websites won't even show it in its entirety. I even have pictures. Sephiroth: What has happened to me... To Be Continued... Sephiroth: I have to prove that I'm really a man! Ultemecia! You're a woman are you not? Ultemecia looks down at her nearly exposed cleavage. Looks back at Sephiroth who is still waiting for an answer. Ultemecia: Last I checked. Sephiroth: I need to sleep with you to prove to everyone I am a MAN. Ultemecia stares at him blankly... Ultemecia: But that would shatter my wonderful illusion of you and Clou.. Sephiroth: IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!!! E. Palamecian: Kuja? Who does your make-up? It's to die for! Seymour: Truly. The foundation is so seamless and natural. Not to mention your luscious eyelashes. Kuja: I do my own make-up. I don't believe in doing anything unless I do it for myself. Besides, you save money that way. Seymour: Beautiful and practical. Truly rare qualities in a man. Kuja: I'm not gay. Seymour: I never said you were, but if you were would you... Kuja: No. Zeromus: HATE! Neo X-Death: DEATH! Kefka: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Zeromus: HAAATE!!! Neo X-Death: DEEEAAAAATH!!! Kefka: MWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! Zeromus: HHHHAAAAAAATTTTTEEEEEE!!!!!! Neo X-Death: DDDDDDEEEEAAAATTTTTTHHHHHH!!!! Kefka: MMMMWWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Chaos: ALRIGHT! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP NOW!!!! We get it, you hate everything, you only think about death, and you laugh maniacally. Please for the love of god! Shut up and let us all drink in peace... Zeromus: Well you didn't have to be so mean about it. Neo X-Death: Yeah, we were only having a conversation. Kefka: Who made you the conversation nazi anyway? Chaos summons the four fiends. Chaos: I think it's time we take you down old school style... A sound of an epic battle plays in the background. Seymour: So you wouldn't? Kuja: No. Seymour: Not even if I... Kuja: No. I won't do your makeup. Unless... Seymour: What? Kuja: You get rid of that stupid haircut. Seymour: I can't... It's the source of my power! Kuja: Really? Ultemecia: Hey guys. What are you talking about? E. Palamecia: Hair and make-up. Seymour wants Kuja to do his makeup but Kuja won't unless he cuts his hair... Ultemecia: I can do it for you. Seymour: Good heavens no! Your make-up makes you look like a prostitute... Ultemecia: HOW DARE YOU!!! I put a lot of effort into my looks and to be looked down on by someone with your hair... Kefka lands in the middle of the group. He laughs maniacally and returns to the battle. E. Palamecia: At least we all don't look like that... Everyone: Damn straight... E. Palamecia: Hey, what happened to Sephiroth? Ultemecia: I told him to meet me in the janitor's closet so we can do the "dirty deed" and restore his faith in his denial. I turned off the lights and locked the door then left him there to rot. Sephiroth: (singing) "One is the loneliest number that there ever was..." Garland(FFI) after consoling the other Garland into a drunken stupor turns to face the bar and notices a strange glowing object next to him... Garland: Jebus! What the hell are you? Yu Yevon: I am Yu Yevon. Garland: Who what now? Yu Yevon: YU YEVON!!! The real villain of FFX. I created Sin to fight in a war over a thousand years ago. I kept summoning him everytime he gets destroyed. Garland: You know, that never made much since to me. If the war ended a thousand years ago... why did you keep creating Sin? Further more, even if you were the undead like the rest, why don't you have a human form? Yu Yevon: Listen, I summon a whale, I live in a world where people either become monsters or zombies when they die, and I got my ass kicked by a guy who looks like Meg Ryan. I don't need to explain jack to you. Just let me drink in peace... Garland: Fair enough. Jenova: Me, I like to devour worlds. Zemus: Like Lavos? Jenova: No, I devour the world's lifestream, it's mental and spiritual information. Zemus: So... you're a "hippie Lavos", cause he basically does the same thing. Just with genetic information. Jenova: But I'm different... Zemus: How so? Jenova: Umm.... well... you see... The epic battle continues on... To Be Continued... The three emperors get together... Palamecian: So you tried the whole "world domination" thing as well? Vayne: Unfortunately... Gestahl: With disastrous results... Palamecian: Same here... All three: Sigh.... Vayne: I had it all... a sky fortress, power of the gods, and legions of loyal soldiers... Palamecian: I had a floating fortress, power of the demons, and legions of loyal monsters... Gestahl: I had a floating continent, power of the gods, and legions of loyal sold... no... I had Kefka.... Palamecian and Vayne: Ouch! Vayne: That stage-stealing prima donna? He stole your thunder. I mean you had everything and this upstart clown kills you and goes off to be a god? You got shown up... Gestahl: Now wait a minute, like you two can talk. You both got betrayed by your number ones as well if I recall... Your corpse was still warm when Leon took over your throne. And you Vayne you got betrayed by... Palamecian: HEY! I came back and had my revenge, which is more than I can say about both of you... The three turn away from each other with a Harrumph! and drink quietly while ignoring each other... Kefka: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Once again I reign supreme!!! Kefka stands atop the crumbled bodies of Chaos, the four fiends, Zeromus and Neo X-Death... Neo X-Death and Zeromus: Bastard clown... double-crossed us.... Kefka: I'm still the greatest FF villain! Dark Cloud: Even though you're kinda've a rip off of the Joker? Kefka: The who? Dark Cloud: The Joker. Batman's arch nemesis. An evil serial killer who dresses like a clown. Kefka: But I'm better than him... besides, how often are serial killer clowns really used? I'm still pretty unique... Golbez: Well there is Stephen King's "It"... X-Death: And Steve Gacy... Kuja: and... Kefka: ENOUGH! I see you are all against me. Golbez: It's because you're an attention whore. Kefka: Fine! I'm going somewhere, where I can be appreciated... Seymour: Did he just go into the kitchen? Everyone looks at each other to wonder what he's doing... Kuja: Grab him before he poisons our food! To be Continued... WARNING!!! Contains major FFXII SPOILERS!!! DO NOT READ SPOILER TAGS IF YOU WANT TO PLAY FFXII SPOILER FREE!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED Vayne walks up to a table with a sign that says "Loser Villains" sitting at the table is Leon, Kain, Edea, General Leo, and Spoiler: Gabranth Vayne: What's up with this table? Spoiler: Gabranth: Some of the other villains trapped us here. They say we can't join the rest of the party. Vayne: Why no...wait a minute... Spoiler: Gabranth:.... Vayne: I know you! Spoiler: You and your brother went all "Wonder Twins Power Activate" and beat me up! Just as I was about to become the new Dynast-King. Spoiler: Gabranth:um...sorry? Vayne: Now I understand... This is a table reserved for losers who betrayed their masters and became good guys... Leon: Now that I think about it. Why isn't Golbez here? Everyone looks at Golbez... Golbez: ZOINKS! Sephiroth is still in the closet browsing the web on Ultemacia's laptop... He comes across a Judas Priest fan website. Kefka is now tied up in a chair as the other villains enjoy themselves. Kefka: Son of a Submariner! Let me go! Chaos: You can't say that anymore. Kefka: What? "Let me go"? Chaos: No, I mean "Son of a Submariner". Kefka: Why not!? Chaos: Cause you're game is being re-released again. They are even going to do a more accurate translation. You never said that line in the original. Kefka: What did I say? Chaos: Son of a Bitch. Kefka: I CAN'T SAY THAT!!! Chaos: Why not? Kefka: Cause Emperor Gestahl will beat me... Chaos:...... Kefka:...... Chaos: What the hell kinda've double standard is that?! It's alright for you to murder millions and try to destroy the universe but you are not allowed to say a few naughty words? Kefka: The old man doesn't like "potty mouths". Chaos: Excuse me, I've got an emperor I need to kill... Kefka: Bring back some snacks! I'm a little occupied being all tied up and all... To Be Continued... The Final Battle... Zemus looks to see a lady next to him... Zemus: Ultemecia, I didn't see you there. I thought you were chatting with the prissy boys? Yunalesca: I'm not Ultemecia. Zemus:.... Very funny, I guess I'll never understand this "time witch" humor. Yunalesca: But I'm not her! I'm Yunalesca! I was a summoner turned zombie so I could teach generations how to sacrifice a loved one to temporarily stop Sin. Zemus: Nice try, but you've got the long silver hair, bad make-up and lack of clothing. You're obviously Ultemecia. Yunalesca transforms into her freaky "Medusa head" form and eats him. Yunalesca: Geez, men are such idiots. First my husband flirting around with that "Lenne" girl and now this... Shuyin: Did you say Lenne? Yunalesca: Yes, my husband was flirting around with a girl by that name. That's why I turned him into the final Aeon and ditched him into Sin. I knew it wouldn't work but it's what he deserved. Shuyin: (watery-eyed) WAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!! She was seeing other guys before she even ditched me in death!? WAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Yunalesca: Gawd you're a loser... Seymour: Yunalesca! Darling! How's it been? You're keeping up well. Yunalesca: Seymour! Well you have to when you're my age and decomposing. Seymour: You're hair is fabulous! How do you do it? Yunalesca: You know, some blood from sacrifices a few weeds and voila! Hair tonic that will outlast your corpse! Seymour: Do tell... Ultros: Attention guests! Now is the time when we will give out the award for best villain in a Final Fantasy. Everyone hushes and listens attentively. Ultros: ...and the winner is.... Everyone edges in closer.... Ultros: Shuyin?! Everyone: WHAT????!!!!!!!!! Ultros: Apparently, his story of lost love and rejection. As well as his protagonist's with their very short skirts and practically exposed cleavage did very well with the large demo graph of 40-year-old virgin males. Shuyin: I WON! IN YOUR FACE!!! See Lenne, I don't need you. I'm loved by all! X-Death: Screw this contest! We should have settled this the way we all know how. By a BATTLE TO THE DEATH! All the villains rush the stage and kill Shuyin. Ultros scrambles out of the room as an epic battle beyond description ensued. Only Kefka and Sephiroth don't participate cause of being trapped or tied up. Kefka: NOOOOO!! Death and carnage and I'm trapped here?! Sephiroth: This is the greatest and most inspirational band ever... (sniff) Seymour: Yunalesca. Yu-Yevon. We need to get out of here. I wasn't built for fighting. I mean, I just got my nails done and everything. Yu-Yevon: I agree. Everyone to the giant whale... I mean Sin! Zeromus: Big Whale?! You stole that idea from my game! BIG BANG!!!! The three zombies are eradicated. Sephiroth: I know what I need to do now. Time to accept my fate and reclaim my throne... Kefka: How dare you kill each other and not let me be involved! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! Kefka transforms into God Kefka and Sephiroth blasts his way out of the janitor closet with his one wing and long sword. The two enter the battle and begin slicing down villain after villain until the meet and begin another epic battle... Xande: What the hell just happened?! Golbez: Sephiroth came out of the closet, and Kefka just snapped! Now they are both battling for villain supremacy like it was some stupid fanboy fantasy! (They both glance at you) Sephiroth: If Judas Priest, the greatest metal band ever!, can have a gay front man, than I can still be the greatest bad ass villain and still be able to sleep with Cloud! Kefka: I'm still more lovable than you! And far more EVIL than you will ever be!!!! ?????????: What is this?! A greatest villain competition with a dinner party and everything and you don't invite me? A mysterious cloaked figure appears between Kefka and Sephiroth. He has a hold of both their hands, which were about to lay the final blow. Sephiroth: Who the hell are you?! Kefka: Why did you stop the killing?! ?????????: HOW DARE YOU FORGET ABOUT ME.... THE GREATEST FF VILLAIN OF ALL TIME?!!! Sephiroth and Kefka get loose and each back off. They sense the overwhelming murderous intent from the cloaked stranger. Both of them: Who are you? ?????????: It is "I"... The figure removes his cloak to reveal.... Spoiler: GILGAMESH! He pulls out the Masamune, Excalibur, Buster Sword, Atma Weapon, Gunblade, and Excalipoor. Spoiler: Gilgamesh: Let's see if you two have the "stones" to take me on... A new, grander battle erupts as the three combatants battle throughout the dinner hall. The battle was the stuff of legends but its victor would eventually emerge as... To Be Continued... The Epilogue... The dining establishment is in shambles... Several of the villains are being taken to a hospital while the rest remain and clean up the wreckage... E. Palamecian: A CHOCOBO?! Golbez: Yes, a chocobo destroyed this place and beat Kefka, Sephiroth, and Gilgamesh. E. Palamecian: How? I was knocked out, give me the details at once! Golbez: Well you see... FLASHBACK (doo doo doo doo) Gilgamesh: All right you two fashion freaks! It's time for me to finish this! SIX BLADES OF CHAOS!!! Kefka: No way I'm going to be taken down by this sorry excuse for a villain! LIGHT OF JUDGEMENT!!! Sephiroth: For once, I'm in agreement with you Kefka. METEOR!!! Kefka and Gilgamesh's attacks collide and cancel each other out. Sephiroth is looking up in the sky. The two look at him. Meanwhile a chocobo wanders into the restaurant through one of the holes in the wall and begins to eat the food littered on the floor. Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! In one week's time you'll be completely eradicated by my meteor! Kefka and Gilgamesh: A week?.... Sephiroth: Yes, a week! Kefka: A WEEK?! What kinda've lousy uber-god attack takes a week to completely be employed! Sephiroth: Mine. Kefka: Oh I am SO kicking your ass NOW! Kefka walks over to Sephiroth but is blocked by the chocobo who wanders into his path to eat more scraps. Kefka: Get out of my way! Kefka kicks the chocobo out of the way and begins to get into a fistfight with Sephiroth. Gilgamesh watches as the yellow bird suddenly flashes gold... Chocobo: WAAAAARRRRRRRKKKKKK!!!!!!!! Everyone stops in their tracks as a massive swirl of energy emanates from the golden chocobo. Suddenly, massive swarms of meteors begin to appear in the distant. It's apparent they are coming straight for them... Gilgamesh: Oh smurf... Kefka: See! That's how you summon meteors to strike down your enemies. Sephiroth: Meh. Mine's bigger. A bright flash and several rescue workers later... END FLASHBACK! (dooo dooo dooo doo) Golbez: ...and that's what happened. E. Palamecia: But what of the three rogues? Golbez points to the other side of the burning wreckage to see the three of them helping in the clean up. Kefka: A chocobo? Beat me? I 'll never be able to live this down... Sephiroth: Well, they were the nastiest creatures to fight in Final Fantasy Tactics. I don't really mind, after this I'm going to track down Cloud and do this and ... Gilgamesh: It's sad what fangirls have done to him... Kefka: Tell me about it. My fans keep insisting that I'm like the crazy of the crazies. For once, I would like to just sit home and pet a kitten. Maybe watch the weather channel... Gilgamesh: Really? Kefka: Really... Gilgamesh: You know what we should do? We should crash the heroes' dinner party that's being held across town. Who's with me?! Everyone: Yeah! The End... Last edited by Wolf Kanno; 03-16-2007 at 05:20 AM. Reason: I REALLY hate Word... |
03-15-2007, 09:15 AM
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 | OMG that was the best!!!!  I laughed I cried, that was the funniest thing I have seen in a good while. Very Original!  XD Last edited by Diango12; 03-15-2007 at 10:02 AM. |
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03-15-2007, 09:54 AM
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| | Sorry about that, I originally copied it all onto Windows Word and it did some funny things. When I transferred it back it did some nastier things and I had to change it to a dark color to fix everything (Like add the spoiler tags back in). I'll fix it a little later... |
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03-15-2007, 08:18 PM
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