Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > The Bandit Princess

[Tsukasa]

It's pretty neat what I have read so far :3


I find it hard to read extrodinarily massive text boxes.

._.; I will do my best though.

[Iceglow]

Ok first things first, well done sounds good. Runs a lot like a Computer games quest system to me however perhaps the chapters need filling in more with descriptions about the surroundings and more connecting actions for the different paragraphs. For example Chapter 2 could have done with a bit explaining that the pair Toban and Tristian had split up to take care of business faster. Also I'll say this to any reader PROOF READ A LOT! I noticed a few mistakes though the first one I noticed and the one that stuck in my head is this:

Originally Posted by NC chapter one

I wonder what people arethinking now,” smiled Tristan, “We have myself and a rather large muscular man walking around half naked, I bet together we could gather quite the large group of ladies, wouldn’t you say?”
Toban just laughed, “At least I don’t think we’ll ever be board. I believe this is the start of quite the interesting friendship,” the two laughed as they went through town to get clothes and new weapons.

Space is missing in "are thinking" and Board well that would be fine if you mean a board of wood or a skate board but you wanted the word Bored.

I write professionally for a games development company doing NPC scripts and descriptions so I know it sounds bad but this is constructive criticism to just remind you to proof read often.

Other than that it's well done and a good draft to begin with. Keep working on it

[Hazzard]

Can't wait for chapter four!

[NeoCracker]

Not very long, but its for introducing 2 more major players in the game. Again, you may read the word attachment at the bottom.

Chapter 4: Alternate Paths

The corridor they entered was short. After a brief hallway, they came across another rounded room. Twice as long as the previous ones, the walls were covered in shelves and curved bookcases resting against the walls. Tables of chemistry equipment and parchments covered in notes were scattered about the room.
“It would seem I haven’t had time to clean up, such a shame,” came the low demented cackle from a figure draped in a black robe sitting at a table near the center. The robe covered his entire body, including his arms, revealing only revealing hands covered in thin black silk gloves.
“As a prophet, you seem to have quite a problem preparing in time, don’t you?” chuckled Tristan. He was only met by another slightly demented laugh from Corsa.
“At least you have a sense of humor about you, however I, nor any prophet you have heard of for that matter, can actually see the future. It is much more of predicting based on what we know, and the simple fact we know more than others,” he replied.
“So you are telling me that anyone could be a prophet?” asked Toban, slightly irritated with what Corsa had said.
“Heavens no,” laughed Corsa again, “You must have site of many things in order to be a Prophet. In my case though, I have a unique site no one else alive possesses.”
“If you can’t see everything, and you can only predict based on what you know, then there is no way you can no that,” smirked Eric, “So tell me, what sight is it that allows you to know this?”
The Prophet only cackled louder at the man who spoke to him, “For one who has been around as much as you, you would think you’d have learned your lesson by now boy, Like when you descended into the depths of Mt. Torgona and tried outwitting a demon based on facts and logical deduction, ignoring completely what you do not know,” Eric looked suddenly angry, though quickly regained his composure to only irritated, “And you are right though, If I cannot see everything I could not be sure of my claim.”
“Then how is it you know this?” asked Tristan, getting rather interested in how he could know such a thing.
“He has the Mystical Eye,” Toban said, smirking, “It’s a legendary power that is said to give its user sight over all things, seeing all things at all times, and even being able to hear all these things you see. Using this power, you predict things to come, and thus give people the impression you are a prophet who can see into the future.”
“It seems you know quite a bit of legends,” replied Corsa, “Yes, this is how I do it. In actuality, there are no such things as Prophets, no man can see the future.”
“I take it you know why we are here then?” said Ixis, “I am sure no one here wants to give away their quest, so how about you simply give us the answers we seek, so we can be on our way?”
“I believe I can do so, but to give you exact details would be no fun,” laughed Corsa, “It will be quite amusing to watch your quests play out,” everyone cringed a bit at the joy this man seemed to be getting from this, “You, Tristan, have this,” he hands Tristan an odd piece of material that looked like a metal shard from the blade of an Axe. However the Bladed edge was not like a typical axe. Instead of a straight blade, it was a series of downward curving blades.
“So, it’s broken I take it?” asked Tristan, looking disappointed.
“Do not worry my boy, I can direct you to another piece. North of here and through the mountain pass there is a road, which leads to Tortalona, a northern port town. Near there is an Island where a band of bandits, the very ones who attacked you, have a camp set up there. In the ruins there lie another piece of what you seek.”
“And what of me?” asks Toban.
“You will go with Him until you reach the fork, one will travel north, which is where you will head east, as Tristan goes north. In the east lies the town Sorgrata, there you may find hints to your goal,” and now Corsa turns to the two brothers.
“You two, I cannot tell you the location of the jewels. If I did that, all my fun would be gone, so to find what you look for, split up and travel with these two. I’m sure you will find something of interest to you if you do so,” he cackled lowly at that last statement.
“Thank you sir,” Tristan said, “However I do have one question to ask you, who’s voice spoke to us in the other room?”
“Well, that would be my pet green dragon,” the Prophet replied, “He helps to keep me safe in case ruffians like the ones from before find me.”
“I have a question as well,” said Toban, “Who was it that lived here before you?”
“I do not know, he lived here before my time,” he replied. The four decided to leave, as they had decided the man creaped the hell out of them.
They remained in silence until they reached got out of the mountain ranges, at which point Eric said, “It would seem we should split up brother.”
“Well, it happens,” Ixis said, beginning to walk the northern path, “Enjoy running with Toban there.”
Eric looked a little irritated at the fact Ixis already decided what they were doing, though he figured best not to protest and simply nodded to Toban. The four allies split up, walking separate paths, wondering when, or even if, they would cross paths again.

Tristan and Ixis had been walking only for a couple hours when they bumped into a brown cloaked figure, “Excuse me kind sirs,” came a soft and effeminate voice, “I know this is quite on odd question, but I’ve been searching for a Dragon.”
“That is rather odd, what would a lovely women like yourself want with such a vicious beast?” he asked.
“Even though you don’t see my face, you still try to charm me?” she said with a small laugh, “I must have a rather charming voice. But to answer your question, I would like to see one, as I am a novelist, and there is very little published on dragons.”
“There was one back in the caves of Storba, though I don’t know if you would want to deal with the old coot that lives there,” Ixis said, not really thinking.
“Thank you, I must be off now,” she replied, walking by.
“Hold on,” Tristan said, “It may not be to safe, and shall I accompany you through the labyrinth of the caves? You may find it hard to navigate without a guide.”
She laughed lightly at the comment, “I am sure you would get more out of getting me into a dark cave than I would, I think I’ll be fine. So long travelers,” and without another word she passed by.
“You shouldn’t have gone to tell her that,” Tristan said to Ixis, “It may be rather unsafe.”
“Don’t worry about it, the man may be creepy, but I doubt he’d do anything. Besides, if the Dragons a friend, it will most likely leave her alone unless she aggravates it. Dragons aren’t very aggressive creatures,” he replied with a confident voice.
“Given the few dragons that still exist, its surprising you know so much,” Tristan laughed, “I’ll take your word for it. Lets just be on our way then,” they nodded in agreement and continued north along the grassy plains.

[Hazzard]

Another well written chapter, but with few flaws in spelling and grammar.
Looking forward to chapter 5!

[Agrias]

its getting innnnnteresting! <3

[NeoCracker]

All Praise Chapter 5, and I worked more on my imagery in this chapter, though I appologize for the description of the Characters weapon. I'll work on improving the way its written, as I had serious issues with it.

REgardless, here you are.

Chapter 5: Dragon Rising

The cloaked figure looked behind her, and as soon as the two warriors who pointed her towards the dragon were out of sight, she let out a small chuckle, “It’s quite lucky that I ran into those two boys,” her voice had changed notable from when she talked to them. It went from the quite soft voice to a forward, confident, and somewhat daring voice.
She lifted her hands to her hood. Her hands looked small and swift yet were soft as though they had never seen battle. She pulled back her hood, revealing her face. Her eyes were an Icy blue, yet still full of energy. Her light red lips held a smirk that matched the confidence of her voice, however that was not her most noticeable feature. Her hair was unlike any other, as it held an unnatural color. It was I light silvery color that had a tint of blue, and it was pulled back into an almost Main-like ponytail the extended down to the middle of her shoulder blade.
She had finally reached the mountain cave the two spoke of. She had no trouble finding her way through, as a trail of blood from someone could be seen leading a path through the caves. It wasn’t long until she reached the round room with the Dragon emblem in the center.
“So, you finally made it,” came a creepy laugh from the Prophet as he walked there from his room, “You’ve come a long way just to see my Dragon.”
“I take it you know why I’m here then, so can we skip right to where you let me see your dragon?” she said keeping her same smile.
“Indeed, I’m not a fighter myself. And I have yet to see my dragon fight, even though he is a Green Dragon, the lowest class of the Dragons, perhaps he may stand a chance, wouldn’t you say?” Laughed the man.
“Hardly,” she replied, “I need his power to much.”
“Very well, Viridis, it seems your first opponent in the past 500 hundred years is here to see you,” smiled Corsa. The Emblem in the center of the room began glowing a bright emerald green. As Corsa stepped out the Room dropped at an incredible rate, falling several hundred feet below ground, carrying the women down with it.
The Floor stopped moving, leaving the women off balanced and staggering from the speed it fell at. She quickly regained her balance to see the foe that was in front of her. In a large caver, the stalactites that made up the roof of the cavern dripped an occasional crop of water, stood an enormous Dragon. Standing on its four legs, its large body was easily the size of a small village. Its body was covered in dull green scales, except for his underbelly, which bore a dull yellow.
“So, you are the one Sorda said would come to see me,” Came the low booming voice of the dragon, as his long neck lowered his head down towards the women.
“Indeed,” she smiled, “I am aware that you dragons never refuse a challenge, and so I have come to issue you one.”
“Fine, I accept,” he said, raising his head up high again, “Though don’t think you can win, even in the old day I was the most powerful of the Green Dragons,” his voice slowly gained an angrier and angrier tone as he spoke, “And I shall not go easy on one who thinks they can defeat me!”
With that Viridis let out a mighty roar, and with the booming echoes that could be heard throughout the cavern came a blast of green Acid from his mouth. The women made a fast motion with her arms, pulling off the cloak she wore and used it as a shield against the river of acid. She quickly threw it to the side, as it was almost completely eaten through.
When her cloak was removed, her form was revealed. Her slender legs bore a skin tight light blue Leotard decorated with a white serpent like Dragon with Whiskers wrapping around her right leg. The Blue Leotard goes up to cover her arms and Torso as well, however a white sleeveless garment was worn over her torso. It was a white vest, speckled with small, almost un-seeable bumps. Though odder than that was the devices on the mid of her forearms. Small Black Metal straps held a blue device in place, the part that was pressed against her skin extended from her mid forearm to just below her wrist. IT was a dark blue chamber, the back part of which curved up in a flattened out, making the top parallel to the bottom part. Though Midway across the device a Gap formed between the top and bottom, and the top part then branched off into to hollow and Narrow Chambers that ended the same place the bottom portion of the device did.
Suddenly five of the small bumps on each of her shoulder blades began glowing a light blue. In response, a red line connected all the glowing dots, forming a pentagram on each shoulder. The same red lines suddenly extended from beneath the vest to the base of the strange devices. Suddenly blades extended from the tips of the hollowed Chambers, each one a length of six inches.
She charged forward at a high speed, stabbing into the dragons’ leg. The metal easily pierced through the dragons scales, caused the dragon to rear back in pain, “So, you have the legendary Pungo metal, a metal that can be made to even cut the toughest of Dragon scales.”
“Indeed, and with this, I shall destroy you and make your power my own,” she smiled, rolling to the right avoiding a small spray of acid that came from the dragons mouth.
“You cannot win!” roared the dragon as slamming his tail into the women. She quickly stabbed both claws into the tail as she was hit. The blades snapped off into the tail as she crashed into the caver walls. She managed to stand back up, looking relatively unharmed, though a bit shaken, “It would seem your clothes aren’t normal, now are they?” sneered the Dragon.
“Indeed, it is made of the same Liquid metal as my blades are,” she smiled and extended her arms forward, pointing the champers towards the blades broken in the dragons tail. The blades seemed to liquefy and at a rapid rate fly back into the chambers, reforming the old blades.
“Long ago, the legendary Dragon hunters spoke of making such devices, it seems somewhere along they way the succeeded,” Replied the Dragon, now calm again, “However never before had they taken down a single dragon alone. How do you, the last remnant of that forgotten clan expect to defeat a dragon alone, even with your powerful tools you will never win!”
“I assure you, I will win this fight,” she smirked, “I am like no other Dragon hunter you have seen. You dragons and your cursed Pride, you reject that you are destroying the planet with your presence, and for that I shall slay you.”
The Dragon let out a loud roar of laughter, “So what if my kind are a drain on the worlds energy? We are the most powerful force on the planet, what makes you think the lives of humans are worth more than our own?”
“Even the most benevolent of Dragons seem to care little for the humans, that is why I fight you,” she said, “However in this case, defeating the dragons is second to my real goals. Obtaining the powers you possess are a much higher priority for now.”
“I care not how you intend to obtain my power, for it is impossible for any magic to harness our powers,” he bellowed, “Now let us continue.”
With that Viridis let out another thunderous Roar, releasing a wave of acid from his mouth. This time it was a far larger amount then before, and even with the liquid metal suit she would be unable to withstand the blast. She quickly turned and jumped, sticking the blades into the walls to hold herself there. Using the stability she gave herself, she thrust herself off the cavern walls with her legs, launching herself over the Acid.
The Dragon had to rear back his head after the blast to recover, so the dragon huntress took the chance and charged to its underside, leaping up and driving both claws into its underside. The Dragon roared in pain as he bent neck down so that his head was pointing towards the women on his gut, and let out another blast of Acid. Caught off guard, she barley managed to pull out her blades in time and avoid a direct hit, however some of the acid got her right hand. It wasn’t a horrible burn, as she was able to shake the acid off before it did much.
The women needed to find a way to end this quickly, as she didn’t have the stamina possessed by a dragon, “It seems I’ll have to end this soon,” she said as she ran to the left side of the dragon.
“Before I kill you, what is your name, Huntress?” the beast cried out as he turned, lashing his tail at the women.
She jumped up, and embedded her claws in the top of his tail, latching on with all her might, “The names Kurai,” she replied.
The tail Kurai was latched on halted up in the air, and the Dragon turned its head towards the portion of the tail Kurai was on, “So long then, Kurai,” Viridis said releasing one last blast of Acid.
Kurai used the rest of her strength for her next feat. She pushed her self off the tail with all her might, jumping at the dragons’ head. The acid, however, hit the lower half of both her legs, causing an immense pain as the force of the blast returned the liquid metal that made her outfit was returned to its liquid state and blown off, leaving the acid to burn away at her legs.
She managed to keep focused, however, as she landed directly on the dragons head, stabbing the claws into the beasts eyes. The Dragon cried in pain as Kurai continually pulled out the claws and stabbed them into to various parts of his skull. With the damage she had physically done to his brain, it wasn’t long until the body of great green dragon Viridis crumpled to the ground, the massive boom of his fall echoing throughout the cavern.
Kurai landed a short distance from the massive dragons body. Dragging herself over to him, she let the liquid metal of the knives meld back into the chamber. She pressed the hollowed tunnels of the device against the creatures’ neck, and a strange sound could be heard humming from the device. The Dragons body began glowing brightly, though the glow quickly faded. And as its glow began to fade, the bumps on Kurais vest had startled glowing brighter, not only the few lit before, but now they all glowed with a dim light.
“Thank you for your power,” weakly smiled Kurai, “Soon I shall have the other dragons as well.”

[Hazzard]

wow, Kuria sounds like some hot sexy dragon huntress!!!