this canvas of frusteration [p]

Moon Rabbits · 02-27-2007, 03:20 AM

He smashed out his love on her,
made her his canvas of frustration.
Her body, a landscape of memories;
each pool of wounded, purple skin
explains about one more of his problems.

Her voice is a mask, a black veil
that shrouds her orchestra of sorrows.
She yearns to sing her melancholy
aria, but her dead lips are
sewn shut by his unforgiving hands.

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Comments and crit please. This is a first draft, and recommendations on improvement are welcome and etc. I'd like to improve my poetry, so any help is greatly appreciated.

EDIT: And I mispelled the title :o

nik0tine · 03-03-2007, 05:54 AM

The whole thing needs to be reworked in my opinion. You've got all the right material, but I think it could be executed a bit better. I think this poem should be a little more vague, personally.

nik0tine All about looking. Location: Dalmasca!	#2 (permalink) The whole thing needs to be reworked in my opinion. You've got all the right material, but I think it could be executed a bit better. I think this poem should be a little more vague, personally.
03-03-2007, 05:54 AM