Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Up on the hill [p]

[Moon Rabbits]

Hundreds of ash fingernails
protrude from the hand of earth.
These stone gaurdians protect
those dreaming in wood caskets.

Crushed, six feet under
the earth's em'rald hair;
our bodies will become
mansions to feasting maggots.

They will peel back our skin,
rip back our lips into a
permanent smile.

[themagicroundabout]

I really like this poem, Moon Rabbits. A lot. The ending is perfect. <3

[TonightWeFly12]

I really like the imagery, and I think it's good. ^_^

[farplaner]

Hi, Moon. I like the last stanza- striking imagery.
But I'm a little confused by the overall effect; some of the imagery seems to conflict:

ash fingernails + stone guardians- one description sounds fragile, the other very strong.

The stones protect the dreamers, yet they are eaten away by maggots.

I know em'rald looks more poetic, and it gives you the same number of syllables as the previous line, but the next two lines have different numbers of syllables. -But maybe syllables had nothing to do with your decision?

Also, you might use "ashen" and "wooden." They work better as adjectives.


...It seems to me, now, that I might be coming off as arrogant- like I'm "some kind of expert." That's not my intention, though. I just like playing English teacher- the last bastion of unsuccessful writers If I'm going to contribute something, I just want to contribute something that might be useful to the writer.

Anyway, I think you have a really good hand for sculpting imagery.

[Moon Rabbits]

Thanks for the compliments everyone, and the observations and suggestions, farplaner.

Don't worry about coming off as arrogant, I'd like to improve my writing (poetry, especially), so all the help is appreciated. I'm going to re-work this poem later, but right now I have homework~