Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Doll [P]!

[Moon Rabbits]

On display, a porcelain doll,
arranged delicately,
she stares at an orange,
that has been placed upon
her powder palm.

She entices them, passers by,
the seas of suit and tie,
her beauty devours them,
her red lips hide promise
of scarlet sins.

[Rase]

I like it, a lot. The only thing that struck me as odd was the use of the coma after "orange", as it seemed like an unnecessary and distracting pause. Could just be me and the way I read though. Other than that, I love your diction and imagery.

Man, if I could write poetry that good my last English assignment would have been a breeze rather than a storm.

[nik0tine]

Impressive.

[Rye]

I really liked it. The imagery is gorgeous, and it says a lot in just two stanzas.

[farplaner]

I think Rase is right about the comma, and, actually, the whole poem is punctuated somewhat awkwardly.

But still it's a small distraction from an elegant poem. Very nice, Moon!

What strikes me is that the doll entices all of these onlookers, yet is completely passive- manipulated, even.

One question, though: why do the "red lips hide promise...?"

[Moon Rabbits]

Poetry never has been my strongest point, I much prefer writing prose (and even then I suck with punctuation).

One question, though: why do the "red lips hide promise...?"

And I suck even more at explaining my own work. I used "hide" in that sentence because it fit with what I was thinking about, it was really the only word that I sounded right to me. (Let's see if I can explain this) That, and because she is a doll she is incapable of moving her lips for comitting those scarlet sins

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

[farplaner]

Originally Posted by Moon Rabbits ^

Poetry never has been my strongest point, I much prefer writing prose (and even then I suck with punctuation).

And I suck even more at explaining my own work. I used "hide" in that sentence because it fit with what I was thinking about, it was really the only word that I sounded right to me. (Let's see if I can explain this) That, and because she is a doll she is incapable of moving her lips for comitting those scarlet sins

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

Puncuation is a pain, but when it's used effectively, it really helps flow and interpretation. Otherwise, it can really hurt them.

I think I'm getting what you're saying about those lines, but it's still kind of nebulous.

Still, I enjoyed the read, and you're welcome.