Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > General > Writer's Corner > Dark Descent

[NGU]

Constructive criticism or your thoughts on the story are more than welcome.

Prologue

As his conscious faded the world around him was dying like the planet had lost the will to live for its brightest star was dying. As the light in his eyes faded the once beautiful and luscious scenery became Grey and morbid. The sun no longer shined here, never again would the wind bring a fresh breeze. The rain now a fabled myth. The planet had died with him.


What do you think its small but its only the prologue. give me some feedback.

[eiko guy]

Very descriptive in a dreary sad way. Good setting I must say.

[The Triumphant Hero]

Even for a prologue, it's too short - I would advise at least a page. Also, since it is a prologue, it should contain background information that, although relevant with the story, isn't an actual part of the timeline. That seems to be more a part of the exposition. Also, I would advise introducing a character or provide action to start with. And, this is more on the lines of editing, but I noticed very little punctuation where commas were necessary.

[NGU]

Before I start this chapter I would like to clear something up, This is were the story continues from of course so I feel it appropriate to have things left to find out in the story like I said it is small and gradually as the story progresses the chapters will get larger and larger. I think I left the prologue open for this and the next few chapters to come so enjoy. PS:my chapters will be between 250-300 words at the moment.

Chapter 1: Rayen Omega stood atop the the pillar as the thousands of faces below stared at him, he could feel their eyes piercing his very mind. They stood solemny in the dim light as they watched yet another man await his demise at the hands of the vicious empire.
"Seven shards of crystal stone,
Bound to those of blood and bone.
One-thousand years their light kept deep,
A millennia the stones shall sleep.
Bring back the sun and rain,
So that the world may breathe again."
That sonnet of hope would forever ring in Rayen's heart. Rayen clutched his crystal in his hand. He knew that he was the first person to be hung that actually had one of the seven crystals, the thought passed through his head that his crystal would lose its light if he died, that if he died no light would shine in the hearts of man. It'd been One-thousand years since the light had left the planet, since HE had died. The crystals had been connected to this one marvelous person, this person had been light a beacon guiding the planet but he died and so the planet died too. The crystal had shattered and laid dormant until their bearers would be awoken.
Rayen was but 24 and now stood looking down upon the faces of the people. They longed for a light, they lusted for it. However the Empire has a better use of the planet if its dead. The minerals in the planet were inaccessible before. For the planet was not be harvested it was not right for it to be scarred but the hands of man. With power come greed and with greed come pain. Light gave people hope gave them happiness, freedom and peace. But without it the empire can control people with fear and and despair. All these thoughts rushed trough Rayen's head, the light in his crystal began to shine and then as if reading the thoughts and hopes of the crowd below the crystal emanated a great glow. To the amazement of all watching Rayen was now hovering in mid air safely, calm like a beacon of hope to the people. He floated down onto the ground amongst the crowd. And just like that he had escaped doom. He was not out of the woods yet though guard came charging after him. Rayen was good with the sword but was vastly out numbered he ran as fast as he could to escape the city. To the guards amaze the crowd formed a barrier to help Rayen escape. He finally managed to escape the city but would have to rest soon he would not be able to go on much further in his escape tonight.