my writings. (please give your opinions)

boys from the dwarf · 08:29 PM

my first thread in the writers forum. i think this is some of the best written stuff i've done so i just want to know what you think of these and if you know any way i could improve on them. their both more or less the same piece of writing but in different ways.

version 1:

I woke up in a dark, very dimly lit hall that went on for as far as i could see. I didn't know why i was here but i vaguely remembered there being some sort of reason. I stood up slowly with my hand on the back of my head. It fely quite damp and as i turned around i noticed a red patch on the ground and all. Seeing that, i remembered that i was thrown down there and i didn't hit my head by accident. I observed my surroundingsThe hall was made of jagged brown bricks that were much too high to climb. the walls towered over me in a claustrophobic way and the candle light and torches shone from every direction and made the small shadows of rats and other vermin seem huge.

Not knowing what to do, i walked down the hall and i saw to my left that there was another long hall and a little bit further on there was a long hall to my right. i went down the hall to my right and it had even more halls coming off it. this was a maze. Each hall went on for as far as i could see and there seemed a hopelessly infinite amount of them.

I trudged on encertainly and eventually i tripped over a mass of hard thin objects. I sat up and as i put my hand on the ground to push myself up, o felt something spidery and cold and parts broke off it as my handed pushed down on it. It was a hand, picked completely of flesh. Tired, and with any hope of escape dissapearing, i sat down and thought for a while. i still had no idea where i was or why. Was i thrown in here for something or was i an innocent victim? In frustration i shouted out to see if anyone was there. it was a bad idea to shout.

I heard a strangled and horrible growling noise and suddenly, standing up and getting a move on was a much more appealing idea. i broke of a long leg bone from the skeleton and ran. i didn't looked at whatever it was that made the noise but it was something vicious like a wolf or a dog.

As i ran the noises got closer and further away. Whatever it was, it could probably smell me and definetly knew its way around this deathtrap better than me. i couldn;t outrun it forever and i stopped, holding the bone like a clud. i slowly and cautiously went around a corner and saw a massive and hairy monstrous dog. More like a hellhound than a dog. it had messy black hair with blood patches everywhere. i doubted i was the first to try and beat this monster off with a bone club and even with a sword i wouldn't fancy my chances against that thing. It opened its mouth to reveal a set of mostly black teeth and its saliva was disgusting. if it bit me, i'd hate to think what horrible disease i'd die of. it gradually got closer and closer. I watched it closely and saw its legs tense to pounce. i swung back my club but i wasn't fast enough. i was barely in mid swing when the dog hit me. the dog was all over me before i knew it.

version 2:

You wake up in a dark, very dimly lit hall. It goes on for as far as you can see. which isn’t actually very far. You have no memory of anything that happened before but you remember vaguely there being some sort of reason for being here. You slowly stand up with you hand on the back of your head. You feel some quite damp parts and as you turn around, you see dark red patches on the wall and ground. Its definitely your blood and you know you didn’t fall. Someone threw you and left you in here. You look around and see the brick walls of the hallway towering over you giving you a claustrophobic feeling. The wall is much too high to climb. Candles and torches on the walls shine from every direction and you see a huge shadow move along the ground. Now panicking slightly from completely not knowing what is going on, you see that it was a huge hairy spider and it’s shadow was made huge by all of the lights.

Its seems there is nothing to do but press on. You walk down the hall and eventually come to a turning. You take the right turn and move down the identical corridor which has even more corridors coming off it. This was a maze. You couldn’t tell how long each corridor was and it seems there is a hopelessly infinite amount of them.

You trudge along with hope moving further away with every step and an oncoming fear. Every now and then a shadow of a rat or some other vermin goes past. After taking several turns, you fall over a mass of thin, hard stick like objects. As you sit up, you see the empty eye sockets of a skull. The skeleton had been picked clean. You place your hand down nearby and feel something hard, but thinner and spidery. It’s the skeletons hand. All of a sudden you can’t be bothered to get up and without any hope of escaping, you think for a while. Your anxiety is bothering you and you still have no idea why you’re down here. Are you a down here for a bad reason or just an innocent victim. In frustration and probably more desperation, you call out. You call out for anyone. The strangled and disgusting growl that answers you tells you that it wasn’t such a good idea to shout out.

You decide that standing up and running would be the best thing to do right now. You break off one of the long leg bones of the skeleton as a club and run desperately. Whatever made that noise was probably a large wolf or dog.

As you run, the noise gets closer and further away but never quite disappears. You realize that you’re wasting your energy and that the creature clearly knows its way around the maze better than you do. You hold up your club ready to fight whatever it is. You stand still and keep a look out and eventually see a large black dog creep around a corner and look at you. As it comes ever so slightly closer with every second and builds up the fear and suspense in the atmosphere, you see in more detail its matted and blood covered coat of black fur and its rabid mouth. Perhaps it will bite you and let you die of a horrible disease. You see its mouth open slightly and its legs tense as it deftly pounces at you with unexpected speed. You swing back your club but not nearly soon enough and before you know it, it hits you. You stagger back quickly about half a metre and drop your club. You are completely thrown over and hit the ground with a stunning force. The dog landed its pounce and stopped about 10 metres away from where you landed. You roll over onto your front and look ahead to see the dog edging towards you. Walking towards you. Now running…

thats the first time i've ever written like that in the second version but im proud of it and decided it was worth showing to you all to learn more about writing. you can criticise if neccasary.

was the second piece at all scary or gripping? i've seen extremely well done writings in the same style.

which one did you like the most? and perhaps you could give a /10 rating.