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#1  i need help. i didnt know where else to post this and this is where all the people are so... ok i have an application on distinction to a military acadamy and i have to write an essay about myself. "Personal Essay: All aplicants must submit a personal essay. Tell us something about yourself that isn't apparent from your academic record. This is our opportunity to learn about you." i was wondering if anybody here with experience w/ college essays could help. this is what i have so far. i think it totally sounds lame and stupid. help please ;_; im not even sure if this is appropriate Ever since I was little I wanted to fly airplanes. It’s a lifelong dream that I have worked really hard for. With hard work, perseverance, and dedication, I know that one my dreams will become a reality. I always work hard for my goals, and a majority of the time I achieve them. I am also a logical person who knows everything has a place and time, and I like to plan ahead. Spur-of-the-moment aggravates me, but being in AFJROTC has forced me to work with people like that, so I have learned to deal with it. I am very organized and plan my day out before I even climb out of bed. Some hobbies of mine include: reading, playing my trombone, writing short stories, listening to music, playing softball or tennis, and talking to friends. I have been in band for 6 years, playing a variety of instruments. In the 5th grade music class, we had to play the recorder for a concert, and the teacher knew right away I had a great talent for music. Since then I have played the flute, trombone, some percussion, some baritone, some trumpet, acoustic guitar, and I am currently taking piano lessons. I have also played softball for 5 years, and I earned an orange belt in karate when I was 10. One of my favourite things to do on my spare time is listen to music. I usually listen to classical, classic rock, punk/“emo” rock, metal, and electronica/techno. My favourite bands include: AFI, My Chemical Romance, Aiden, Paramore, Flyleaf,, Blaqk Audio, Dimmu Borgir, Metallica, Mozart, and Dvorak. Reading is my second major hobby. I read fantasy fiction. Some books I really like include : the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, the Harry Potterseries by J.K. Rowling, and all of the Anne Rice books. XD i would stop reading after the first paragraph personally lol.  lameness. im pretty modest so its hard to write a page essay about myself.  |
10-28-2007, 08:51 PM
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| Administrator  |  There are two places you could put this thread--and GC isn't one of them. *moves to Study Hall* Anyway! My main critique is that your opening is entirely lame. Do you know how many of the essays they get probably start with that exact same sentence? Think of something more interesting. Maybe start with enthusiastically describing how you're goal-oriented, then move into how the main goal of your life has been to... fly airplanes. But use more colorful language then just "fly airplanes," like "soar through the sky as a pilot" or... I don't know, something more manly about controlling a big scary machine. Also, too many of your sentences start with "I." I know it's a personal essay, but mostly what you're doing is listing "I this, I that," and it's boring to read. Lastly have at least two paragraphs here crammed into one. Stick with the first one being about how goal-oriented and determined you are, leading into your goal being to ______________. Then the second one go into your other interests. I liked the part about your recorder concert. Hope that helps.  |
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10-28-2007, 09:05 PM
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