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#25  (A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.) FIRST VILLAGER: We have found a witch, may we burn her? CROWD: BURN!! BUUUURN HER! BEDEVERE: But how do you *know* she is a witch? FIRST VILLAGER: She looks like one! OTHER VILLAGERS: Yeah! She looks like one!!! BEDEVERE: Bring her forward. (They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up as a witch. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.) WITCH: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! BEDEVERE: Er,...but you are dressed as one. WITCH: THEY dressed me up like this. ALL VILLAGERS: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't! WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one! (BEDEVERE lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.) BEDEVERE: Well? FIRST VILLAGER: Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE: The nose? FIRST VILLAGER: And the Hat. But she's a witch! ALL VILLAGERS: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her! BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this? ALL VILLAGERS: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no... RANDOM VILLAGER: yes. ALL VILLAGERS: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit. FIRST VILLAGER: (hopefully) She has got a wart... BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch? SECOND VILLAGER: Well, She turned me into a newt!! BEDEVERE: (after a pause) a newt? (Others stare and look at SECOND VILLAGER, who is plainly a human, not a newt.) SECOND VILLAGER: (Notices the stares. After a pause:) I got better... VILLAGERS: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER! BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. (ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest) ALL VILLAGERS: Are there? There are? What are they? Tell us! Do they hurt? BEDEVERE: Tell me ... What do you do with witches? VILLAGERS: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!! ALL VILLAGERS: Burn them! Burn them! Burn them up! BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches? FIRST VILLAGER: More witches! SECOND VILLAGER: Sh! THIRD VILLAGER: Wood! BEDEVERE: So why do witches burn? (long silence, shuffling of feet by the villagers) FOURTH VILLAGER: (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...? BEDEVERE: Goooood! (PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.) ALL VILLAGERS: Oh! Oh yeah! BEDEVERE: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood? FIRST VILLAGER: Build a bridge out of her! BEDEVERE: Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone? ALL VILLAGERS: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Uhh... BEDEVERE: Uh, does wood sink in water? ONE VILLAGER: No! No! No! It floats! It floats! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Throw her into the pond! The pond! ALL VILLAGERS: yaaaaaa! (when order is restored) BEDEVERE: What also floats in water? VILLAGER: Bread! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Apples! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Uh...very small rocks! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Cider! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Uh...great gravy! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Cherries! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Mud! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Churches! Churches! ANOTHER VILLAGER: Lead! Lead! ARTHUR: A duck! (They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.) VILLAGERS: (in amazement) ooooooh! BEDEVERE: exACTly! BEDEVERE: (to FIRST VILLAGER) So, *logically*... FIRST VILLAGER: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood. BEDEVERE: and therefore... (pause) FIRST VILLAGER: A Witch! ALL VILLAGERS: A WITCH! |
07-08-2005, 06:24 AM
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