 | |
 |  |
| |
| |
 | ||||
| ||||
 My favorite hub is back online. I'm so 'happy'. Heh. Anyway, it's one of the positive things, because I actually know people when I'm in that hub. Makes it more comfortable being in it. Today was a bad rainy day and I didn't like it much. My roomie has found herself a girlfriend, and I have to get out of here in about 40 minutes. She's preparing dinner and whatnot, and after that *I* have to get back and drive them to some see some movie. I'm such a pushover. Edit: Heh. I forgot to mention that I've just recieved mail from my sister. Yay. I hope she's okay, and I hope she's not involved with some punk again. I don't think I can/want to handle those anymore. I'll keep ya updated when I have the time.
11-18-2002, 07:36 PM
|
| |
| | ||||
| ||||
| Monday, November 18, 2002 - 9:46 PM Mood - Meh. Music - Godfather - Italian Violin Hey, Got back to residence at about 6:00 PM after being home since Wednesday. Not bad being back home - I think it was good for the folks to see me; things seem to be bothering them. The empty nest thing I guess... Things are going pretty well for me right now - going to hopefully take Shin Ae to the semi-formal on Friday so that should be fun. I have noticed that I have started to develop healthier feelings about myself - I seem to have moved past that stage of self-loathing and am more comfortable with who I am. And why the hell shouldn't I be? I am not exactly a terribly unattractive freak!  Going to just make this one a little short - I will probably write again tomorrow. I am thinking about getting a live journal or whatever they are called - I should ask Hanne about how to do that. Ciao
11-19-2002, 02:57 AM
|
| | ||||
| ||||
| Let's see...day sucked today. I spent some time hanging out with my older brother who lives across campus from me. He seems to be doing all right, buying loads of WW2 merchandise off the net. And I thought my GeForce 4 Ti 4600 was expensive...jeepers, we're talking $250+ for a repainted WW2 helmet. And I'm not even sure it wasn't reproduction Right now, I'm procrastinating because I'm hyped on coffee and have two tests tomorrow I should be studying for. Organic Chemistry and Fundamentals of Ecology. Both 500 level classes. Such a load for a poor 18 year old. So poor, I think I have like $15 to my name. And darn, I didn't even get a good hand on my paper coffee cup poker game thingie. a pair of two's...I got a full house last time I bought one. Oh and some things never change, I'm still lonely, still abstract, and I still like to look at the stars more than I do at the earth. Things just seem so much more fun up there.
11-20-2002, 06:45 AM
|
| | ||||
| ||||
| Man.. Amly and Zidaneo are driving me nuts, I never used their RL names, so why do they think they can use mine? In IM or PM yeah, but in threads? Its pushing it and then some This was what I posted in my other journals yesterday, I dint realise this journal was back.. meh.. K I been writing this over the course of the day, kinda an experiment to see how my mind works and just how much its ticking over, so it might seem a bit disjointed and stuff.. * * * I don't know what to say to Billy. Truth is, he probably dosent understand me as much as he thinks he does I mean, he asked me 'why do you have to be so dark'.. I just see the humour.. I'm not dark, I'm just fighting so damn hard right now to hold onto what little light is left in this wretched soul of mine... I dont wanna burden him with my problems, but by not telling him, I feel like I'm not being honest.. This is stupid, my past should not affect my present. But it does.. Thats why I should tell him... It's also why I cant.. I like to act like a streetwise, bad-ass chick, but truth is, right now? I'm scared... Scared I'll loose it all again. How many years has it taken for me to trust again? I swore I never would... It's only strong mutual bonds and an unspoken sense of understanding thats got me this far. But then.. What if it happens again? That thought is always at the back of my mind. If they leave me now I.. I'd curl into a ball and just die.. I couldnt take it a second time, I could barely deal with it the first time.. I'm like a puppy thats been kicked way too many times And Celeste is the wolf that learned to bite back! My only way to fight the fear I'm not always the hard-ass, independent loner I want to be. Dont get me wrong, I'm not nieve peace loving angel either. I'm just a fighter, looking for a cause, drifting through life on the edge of damnation and eternally searching for a way to reach the light I shouldnt post this Its too much like exposing my soul But I know I will.. Wish I just knew why I'd say it was a call for help, but then.. I know better.. Even if anyone wanted to help me, they probably couldnt. They shouldnt even try! I'm not worth it Right now, I'm just trouble, everones problem.. I hate this... * * * Heh.. I was writing this totally freaky poem, and the guys saw it, now they are debating the best method of suicide.. Its actually funny, in a sick sorta way I guess... Its all cos of Chris' vow that hes gonna bring a gun to school and do in the whole 6th form, I really dont know how serious he is, its true, but the guy brought a dagger in once, so um.. yeah.. I have great friends dont I? =p Got me thinking though.. I dont want to die.. But if I have to go, I want it to be by a blade in the stomach or a bullet in the head, preferably done by a trusted one, but who would do that? *shrugs* Damn I'm morbid of late.. Pills, drink, hanging, drowning Damn... Humans are pretty fragile huh? I couldnt do it myself 1) My instincts just wont let me 2) I'm stupid enough to still have hope in this life 3) I'd be letting my friends down And hell yeah even 4) I dont wanna be another damn statistic Oh the poem, though I spent some time on it, its more like lyrics than anything else now: Autumns Blood It permeats the air Death Decay Its everwhere Fallen leaves Autumn breeze Color of blood Surrounding me Whispers in the dark Words from fallen tomb Screaming in my skull Nothing can I do Fallen leaves Autumn breeze Stench of death Surrounding me Its all too much Its gone too far What can be done For those that are? Fallen leaves Autumn breeze Death surrounds me Slowly bleed ~The Black Fox 19/11/02  .. I am messed up aint I?* * * It all seems so unreal.. The net I mean, Annomaly for instance, a guy that understands me? I just see the imposibility you know? And not being able to talk to him on MSN, makes it seem even less real.. A picture, a voice, something to concentrate on, to keep it real, to be sure it is.. And how I long to meet my Zidaneo, to hold him, to always be there the way I try so hard to be, no matter what. I have never felt this way about anyone, but it is a fruitless dream, how can I ever meet him? He lives so very far away.. I try not to think about that, it'll only depress me right? How I envy Jennie, shes been over there before, and she has the resources to go again.. life just isnt fair is it? * * * Poor Zidaneo, I wouldnt mind him calling me a sweety pie at all, well ok it would never fit me, but also, the way it was used in 9 has set the phrase as a derogitery one in my mind 'I got myself a sweetie pie' Now, lets get this straight, women are not possesions, we're not prizes, nor are we trophies to show of to your mates, we're people I know Zid didnt mean it like that, but there you go.. I think I hurt him by not keeping that in check, sorry Zidane.. * * * Yay for insomnia/depression/sugar-high combo moods! I'm able to go pretty deep right now, all that above was just the 1st two lessons and morning breaks, though I can see I thought little after that, I'm a the nocturnal type, I think best at night and on mornings. But I feel pretty deep and philosophical right now. School is so damn boring *yawns* Heh.. noones done the English coursework, I got all worked up over sod all.. heh... * * * Chris is driving me nuts with this senseless hate of his for all things american, I sometimes wonder if he keeps it up just cos hes the only one in the school that knows about Zidane. I had to tell him, hes a mate and anyway, now we have an excuse for all the idiots that keep trying to set us up! Cant a girl befriend a guy for friendships sake anymore?! Meh, I put my american accent on, he hates that, most do. I often use it to trick ppl into thinking I'm from there, I just.. cant resist.. The looks on their faces when I switch back to the local area accent is so funny XD I can master any accent if I'm around it enough I sound scally right now, but I can switch to upper class, American, or even accentless with a mear tweak to my thinking pattern, I do it all the time And still ppl fall for it.. heh.. * * * 20 press ups.. not bad from cold and for a person that hasent trained in a bit, of course, once I hit twenty I collapsed, but I'm tough on myself, 2 mins down and then back up for another 12! I woulda done more, but dad came in with the dinner and you shouldnt exercise on a full stomach.. yeah.. you shouldnt swim on a full stomach niether, never stopped me! Ah well, speed walkin it to school is good exercise anyway, 30 min journey in 10-15.. pretty good, and now its turning cold, I get the extra training of being in that in a t-shirt and maybe a thin as hell jacket/coat, hey, I bring it on myself. I got flu earlier in the year, cos I couldnt even tell I was cold, I just.. dont feel it.. heh.. I'm just happy to be in shape, I used to scorn exercise, but I was wrong, now I just cant find enough time for it, going on the PSX helps with that.. *grins mischeviously* I wont say more, I'm just kinda odd, and keeping still is not my best traight ^_~ **~Genome 227~** I'm one very.. VERY.. messed up individual.. ~Celeste
11-20-2002, 06:51 AM
|
| | ||||
| ||||
| November 21, 2002 - 9:57 PM Mood - introverted Music - Creed - One Last Breath Hmm, what to say tonight. Not really much going on tonight even though it is a pub night. Oh well, I suppose Shannon will ask if I want to go out with them tonight but I don't know if I feel like it. Might just stay in tonight and do a little thinking and relaxing. Besides, might be going out Friday and Saturday night and that should be pleanty for this weekend. Life really is a funny thing isn't it? It really is the most unpredictable of things. Oh well, I guess that is what keeps this interesting, or something like that. Ciao
11-22-2002, 03:00 AM
|
| | ||||
| ||||
| ~Notes to myself~ Get a hold of yourself... Stop thinking that someone follows you everywhere. Stop freaking for nothing.The things you saw floating in the bathroom were hallucinations. Stop drinking beer, even if you only drink one per month. Stop skipping class to come on EoFF. Get a damn hold of yourself! ~Lord Nathor~
11-22-2002, 02:42 PM
|
