Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums > Reference > General Archive > The Daily Grind > The Journal Thread (November)

[Spatvark]

[Mood: Apocalyptic]
[Music: Irresponsible Hate Anthem by Marilyn Manson]

Well... I'm back at school and I'm bored off my arse already... it's so bloody dull... I swear the dreaded 6th Form apathy has claimed another victim... I just couldn't give a f*@k about school work, even though I'm at a vital stage in my life... ahh, sod it, sod the whole f*@king lot of crap, I just don't care anymore...

[Mikztsu]

Hmm...Today was so very different, painfull, but oh so very reliving and I feel good now. Without commenting it more.

[Danni]

Well, today I avoided coming online.. not really on purpose. I went hiking and to the movies. When I got home i got a bunch of offliners in Y!M from Mikael.. I wish he was online right now.

[Dreampoet]

Well this is my first entry. I keep a journal but seldom do I actually write anything of any importance in it. A friend told me that doing so could help me keep my sanity. I laughed at her since I obviously have already lost most of it. I'm the kind of person that listens well and talks way too much most of the time. Usually there is no real purpose for my conversation other than the need to release whatever it is that I am feeling at that time. Anyway, I guess I should actually add the entry instead of babbling about why I am doing so, huh?

It seems that after all these years I still find myself plagued by events of the past I had very little control over back then or now for that matter. Even tho I've had a wonderful life, I still feel an emptiness that even my most treasured memories can not disguise. I ponder my own existance and often wonder how I managed to remain here. Now don't get me wrong I'm not suicidal. I love life, but I feel so lost in it sometimes. Ever felt alone in the company of friends? That is how I feel in life sometimes. If I don't have someone to talk to or something to keep me occupied then my mind starts to wonder, drifting invariably back to the distant past and a time that is no more. I start dreaming of the what if's and if only's. They always take me to places best left in the past. Sometimes I think I look for the sadness and long to relive some of those times. Maybe it is a fear of forgetting that keeps me returning. An underlying fear that if I don't revisit them I will forget the good along with the bad. Maybe it is something different, something I've yet to understand. I tend push away the people I start to get close to, because of a fear of losing them, which inevitably leads to their loss. It is an endless cycle that I have yet to find a way to break. Today has been one of those rollercoaster ride days. It started out wonderfully as I spent a great deal of time talking to a very good friend. We share a lot of interests and Ithink there could be more between us if the distance we live apart wasn't there. Now that by no means is me ruling out what the future may have in store for us. It is just me being realistic (something I never seem to be). I've always been one to follow blindly my heart and except whatever it leads me too. The last couple of journeys have been very disappointing to say the least. Anyway the day proceeded to lower me into a void of which I am only now beginning to escape. Purhaps a game of Devil May Cry will take my mind off of it...

[Won Fon Lei]

Dear Journal,

Why I am writing in you, I don't know. I've never used you before. Maybe I need to let things out, though I doubt anyone will read this. Even if they did, they wouldn't care. Why does everything suck? Why must I be torn apart by the jaws of depression? Why is life a vicious cycle? Why am I asking questions that don't matter or have any bearing on anything? I can't even communicate with my girlfriend. I have to wait until November 15th, when her parents will finally take her off house arrest. *sigh* I grow weary of crying myself to sleep every night, wishing I could just look at her face for a few seconds. perhaps hear her voice if I try hard enough. I had two tests today, one in Calculus and one in Computer Science. Calculus was tough, CS was a breeze. Although we had the CS one at 5:30 on a Friday night, which sucks. Random thought: Why are my friends IRL racist? You think you know some people, and then they turn out to be more different than you think. I've always strived to be as honest and caring as I can. I'm pretty straight foward with people, I don't like to hide things.

Well journal, that's all that I can think of today. Peace out.

[Danni]

Dear Journal,

It's 5:55am here, and I've not yet been to bed. I've been up most of the nite thinking. I know I told some people I'd go to bed early-ish and get some sleep *they said it'll make me feel better* but I couldna sleep. I left myself on away on aim and tried to sleep.. but I just couldn't do it. I dunno why I even bother sometimes.. with anything really. Everything I do seems to turn out wrong. It's really quite painful. I'm considering leaving the net.. it seems to be the only way to fix things. Perhaps without me in their lives certain people will be better off. I'm tired of hurting people, and I'm goddamn tired of being hurt myself. I'm not sure what to do right now.. do I stay or do I leave? No matter what happens there is this damn love emotion that ties me to people.. and it does nothing but rip at my heart. I weighed the consequences of my actions.. and I decided that if worse came to worse it wouldn't mattter. I've since learned better. Despite my best efforts to prepare for the inevitable, it did matter... it did and it still does. I'm glad that I did what I did.. I feel relieved actually. However, that doesn't stop the pain, nor does it lessen it. *sighs* I'm off to bed now. Maybe it will make me feel better, who knows.

You can never know everything, and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing that. A portion of courage lies in going on anyways.
-Lan Mandragoran
The Wheel of Time, Robert Jordan

*passes out*

[Mikztsu]

Yay! Alana is back! *grooves and is so happy*`Now I wish we'd be online same time also.=)

So great, and I thought she'd be back only after new year. HEhehhHEHeh..I certainly missed you awfully lot. *ghugs*

>=)

Other than that, there's Fulham's game on tv today, so I'm off to watch it now. Let's go Cottagers!!! I predict hat trick for Louis Saha.

EDIT: I'm gonna take some saunaing first.;D

Dear journal,

Today I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that ... oo;