Poem ... any good?

I don't think I started it off very well. Anyway, enjoy ^_^

Now you’re not there
Your place is bare
I would go anywhere
If it meant you might survive
When snow is deep
Animals sleep
Just to keep
Themselves alive

That’s their way
And all someday
Must somehow waste away
But still we cannot learn
Why we should trust
Our lives aren’t just
To turn to dust
When our candles cease to burn

If I could start
To find my heart
I’ll find the missing part
Of all that I could be
I’ll see if I
Might find out why
We have to die
Because I still cannot see



Please comment

i like the first two stanzas, the last one is a little abstract. Try adding another image.

Further, the rhyme scheme seems incredibly forced and does not flow. I suggest getting rid of the rhyme altogether and focusing on the images you are presenting.

very good start though

Here's a few changes done to it.

Now you’re not there
But I still care
And would go anywhere
If it meant you might survive
When snow is deep
Animals sleep
Just to keep
Themselves alive

That’s their way
And all someday
Must somehow waste away
But still we cannot learn
Why we should trust
Our lives aren’t just
To turn to dust
When our candles cease to burn

How could a friend
Meet such an end?
The memories will mend
And leave me to move on
I can't believe
After all we've
Done and acheived
It's tough now that you're gone

there's still that lack of image in the last stanza

the first one has the image of deep snow and survival of animals through sleep and hibernation.

the second one has the image of bodies to dust and the candle.

the third lacks this kind of concrete imagery, and i still think the rhyme is forced. However, i think with time, you'll get much better at this.

Version 3 (Only the last stanza changed)

Now you’re not there
But I still care
And would go anywhere
If it meant you might survive
When snow is deep
Animals sleep
Just to keep
Themselves alive

That’s their way
And all someday
Must somehow waste away
But still we cannot learn
Why we should trust
Our lives aren’t just
To turn to dust
When our candles cease to burn

Now I'm alone
You're not at home
And I can't see you roam
What comes after demise?
I'm unprepared,
Lonely and scared
Cold and despaired
For the deaths nature defies