My own story. Critics are welcome.

Hi, i just started this story from scrap, its only the very beginning so do not expect too much. Tell me if you like it, how you like it, and how you dont like it. Any other views are helpful.

This part is supposed to be a dream, but comes in reality a lot later on, obviously, you would not have had a beginning like that otherwise...


The bright moon vanished when massive groups of black clouds covered it, diminishing the only light visible. Hard, cold rain was now starting to fall from the sky, quickly fastening in pace as the sound of the rain drops bouncing of varies pieces of old and rusted metal amour laying on the ground beside him grew louder. Shivering in metal amour of weight that is unimaginable, Tyreal drew his sword to welcome the battle with his single opponent, standing on the other side of a lonesome hill overlooking his Kingdom.
“This shall determine the fate of the worlds my friend, or fiend, either way I do not mind.” Said a soft and young voice. “ Thus I know you are wise and powerful, I can not see how you have brought up the courage to fight me; for every evil act that you have so eagerly investigated, I have commited, does this usefull piece of information not flow into your inhibitions?”
“I am guessing that this information of a more important value that I carry has not reached you as of yet.” Replied Tyreal in a cool tone. ”When the sun is on the other side of earth and mars is lurking near the tower, the one with the light will control fate.” A heavy breaze was now in the air, and a big huff of wind disabled a fraction of his hearing.
“Do not hasten you thoughts! I have forseen this my dear fiend, so I set the obstacle asside.” He said. There was a pause between them that would have been considered uncomfortable to an audience, but this was quite the opposite to an opera. This pause was established by Tyreal, for he could not believe that his enemy was aware of the only weapon he had against him that would have only worked in discretion. Shock overwhelmed him, and as his weak human emotions could not handle this, he simply denied what he had just heard - a mistake his enemy will never forget.
“Excuses shall not hinder your death!” Screamed Tyreal in a rage. It was then when he charged upon his enemy to struck him down that surprise hit him hard. He could not believe what had just happened…



Thats it for now.

not bad so far. The dialog needs to stray from the sort of Knights of the round table/lord of the rings/pursuit fo truth, justice...etc. (ie: "When the sun is on the other side of earth and mars is lurking near the tower, the one with the light will control fate") lines like that can be touching, but not till like the middle of a story. I could see a book ENDING with something like that line I just put though. You have a pretty good way with words though. Add storyline, and move that dream to ther middle of the story and you're set. (A good start to a story is usually either setting: describing the town/surroundings/or a brief introduction to some of the characters or profiling: getting to know a character right off the bat, usually in a first or second person perspective)

Keep it coming!

7/10 (so far)

Excellent. Beautiful description. In the next few parts will you be describing Tyreal and other characters?

8/10

I love it! :) Very descriptive. I love stories that start out as dreams. Thats how mine is. The line "The bright moon vanished when massive groups of black clouds covered it" got me very interested in the story. Aside from a few typos I saw (but everyone makes typos xD) it's really good. Keep up the good work.

9/10

A good start to a story is usually either setting: describing the town/surroundings/or a brief introduction to some of the characters or profiling: getting to know a character right off the bat, usually in a first or second person perspective

i need reminding of the differenst between first, second and third person perspective.

isnt it something like this?:

First person: I am 16 years old and am a cheerful guy.

Second person: He is 16 years old and is a cheerful guy.

Third person: (no idea about this one.)

i need reminding of the differenst between first, second and third person perspective.

1st: That where you are there and what is happening is happening to YOU.

2nd:Thats where you are there but you're retelling the story. Lie reciting it to someone in the pub but it didn't happen to you, so you never refer to as "I" but "He"

3rd. Thats where your some invisible presence that watches down on your characters so you have no control over what happened and you just tell the story as it happend

so yeah thats........

1: I am 16 and I married Uma Thurman

2:They are 16 and he married Uma Thurman

3.Jack is 16 and he married Uma Thurman

Hope that helps.

Liked the story, and I LOVE the style of it the KOTR theme. Very cool, but as someone said, the ladguage is kinda not cool for a entry. It need to have a reference to the later parts of the tale if you're gonna do that. Are you. Like to see Part Two sson. Hope Tyreal gets some back story.....:)

7/10