[P] Untitleds

Untitled 5

What would give up mean to you?
To go along with what you had originally not wanted to do
To let go of what you had not wanted to give
…Is it really?

I’ve come so close to the surface
Near the layers of ice over the freezing water

Compared to the world, something so thin as that
would prevent me to pass through to the other side
It’s as far as fate would let me go
And I’ve completely submitted its weavings

Resist it you say?
Continue on for those who supported all you’ve done
They’re waiting for you to come back
To a place so dark you could fall.


Untitled 6
There was once a goal for something more
Its passion ignited and burned
But that never came to be
As thoughts were doubted and made
And standards were raised to block everyone out

You weep for all that could have been
What never came to pass
And dream of stories in the closed off far away land
That you never brought to life

You, dreamer among others like you
Empires may fall and societies would crumble
But you can dream on and cannot wake up to stand reality

The world is too cruel to live in
For your fragile mind
Though still your wishes will be my command.

^__^ I don't like rhyming and order. Comments and critics are appreciated.

those are good! Have you ever thought about changing a few lines to make them tie together? It's almost like a story when you see the similarities in the two pieces. good though!
8/10

O____O Holy Schiesse. I dub thee Intelligent!

They really were stuck together but I didn't want to write a middle part so I split them up.

^_^ Thanks for the compliment. I don't stretch my vocabulary much when I write and you use yours very well. ^o^

Don't condemn yourself, your writing skills are fine. Just bring them together. If you want I can tie those together for you, and make it a collaberative piece

;D Sure, that would be interesting to see.

Why have you lost your path.....your purpose?
Blindly following what your heart has protested?
Releasing what you've never wanted to give?
…Is it reality?

I’ve come so close to the surface
Near the layers of ice over the freezing water
Scratching endlessly only to face defeat.

An epiphany to realize something so thin as this
could thwart my passage through to the other side.
It’s as far as fate would let me go
And I’ve completely submitted to it's will

Resist it you say?
Continue on for those who supported all you’ve done!
They’re waiting for me to come back...
To a sinister place so dark it obscures thought itself.

But could I live for them once again?
Could I clear the uncertainty from my heart
And arise from the shadows to fight past this darkness?

There was once a goal for something more though..
Its passion ignited and burned
But that never came to be
My thoughts became doubted and made false.
And standards were raised to block everyone out.

You weep for all that could have been
What never came to pass
And dream of stories in the closed off far away land
That you never brought to life

You, dreamer among others like you
Are blind to your fallacy.
Empires will fall and societies would crumble
But YOU dreamer of dreams cannot awaken to truth

The world is malicious of your deeds...
Receive the malevolence in your heart
And let my will be done..


Spent some time on this one. Tried to keep it as much the same as possible, but had to change bits ans pieces to make it one story. Also, some of the changes were where I just took words you used and put different words with the same meaning in their place

Lol =D Woah, that sounds so much more better now! ^__^

If only I could write something like that. ;)


I don't understand this one line ^^;;

"What would give up meaning to you?''

See I didn't understand what would give up mean to you. So I figured change it to meaning, which still didn't make much sense. Looking at it now I'm going to change it. Look at it now

;D Niiice. You have the gift of words, my dear Daryn.